Never Thought I Would Need To Say This...

[fuzzypenguin]

Can you allow yourself to know this, and not take on-board whomever it is that is blaming you?[/QUOTE...

I just still don't understand why I am to blame for something I didn't do. And defending myself is out of the question

 

[joeylittle]

don't understand why I am to blame for something I didn't do.

I guess what I'm trying to say (if it helps) is that you being blamed is the action of the other person, and you don't need to take it on as being something that is true. It's them, not you, and if they want to blame you, they can - them blaming doesn't mean that you are guilty.

I'm not saying it very well - but if you can, try and know that the bit you get to control is how much you listen to it. You can turn your back on it.

 

[Friday]

I do not believe that

Which part?

 

[Friday]

I just still don't understand why I am to blame for something I didn't do.

While I realize you're trying to keep whatever scenario it is that triggered this vague, it gets a little bit confusing from this end.

You started the thread claiming blame for something (for both it, and then an everything/always... Which is either just straight up cognitive distortion if you believe that, or frustration over generalizing if you don't... unless you're talking about a specific scenario where you keep doing the wrong thing over & over, which happens), and are now saying you don't understand why you're to blame for it.

While I understand it's probably very clear in your mind what you mean, sometimes that leads to :confused: when people are trying to follow.

Do you mean why you are blaming yourself, or why is someone else is blaming you? Or...?

 

[fuzzypenguin]

While I realize you're trying to keep whatever scenario it is that triggered this vague, it gets a l...

Why someoneis blaming me. Sorry for the confusion

 

[Friday]

Why someoneis blaming me. Sorry for the confusion

<grin> No worries!

So when someone else is blaming me & I don't agree... Usually it means they either

- think it's my fault (which may or may not be true),
- are blame shifting their fault onto others (to make themselves feel better)
- are perfectly aware of their guilt, and are manipulating me or attempting to

The second 2 are a pain in the ass. Okay, whatever, moving on... Unless I have a duty of care. For example if my kid is blame shifting to avoid getting in trouble? Nope. Gotta sort that out. If he's blame shifting because he's in pain / afraid / etc... Still have to sort it, but usually from several steps back, ease into it. Because teaching him is my responsibility. My friend, lover, mother, waitress, etc.? Not my responsibility. I may choose to go to some effort to untangle a situation if I feel the relationship is important / or they've asked for help, or I'll simply take note, & move on. Like the guy who rear ends my parked car and wants to blame me? Ha. His f*cked up world view is not my problem. He can believe parked cars leap out in front of him without drivers and blame others, and that's his business. It only becomes mine when explaining to the cops, yeah, I was parked.

The first 1, however, can go either way.

- Sometimes something is legitimately my fault and I'm not seeing that, and a friend is trying to help me (or peer/superior/etc. trying to give me a clue by four. Yo! Chica! Wake up! This is on you!...Oh. Shit. It is, isn't it?)

- Sometimes they simply happen to be wrong or we disagree.

It's nice when blame is clearly laid out in cause & fault. Like if I shoot someone? I just shot them. My fault. It's on me. Black & white. It starts getting murky, however, when there is cause that someone believes shifts fault. Like if they're shooting at me, and I shoot them, is it still my fault? Yep. I shot them. Are they blameless? Nope. They were shooting at me, also. It was both of our faults. To what degree is debatable. Highly debatable. Once things get murky? Snort. Oy vey. Everyone can have very clear beliefs as to who is either at fault, or carries most of the blame if not all of it, and no one has to agree! 10 people can all have 10 very different opinions as to who is to blame. Alternatively, I can be 1,000 miles away & still blame myself that someone got shot, or someone else can blame me, either because they're wrong and think I was there, or they blame me for not being there.

Who is right? That's a question I've found matters less than one might think. More, it teaches me about them, and myself.