Sufferer New And In Need Of Some Answers!

[LostGirl20]

Should i stay or should I go? Its pretty obvious what the answer to the question is but why am I sticking around?? Is it more than just not wanting to be alone. Not sure anymore at this point.. He constantly is putting me down, calling me names, telling me I'm not good enough or I did this and that wrong. Trying to control my every move.

My sons have different fathers and he wont even let me take him to see my other son? that's retarded why should my children be given the opportunity to know one another. Complete bullshit. But today I found the balls to take my youngest to see my other child and the arguing and name calling hasn't stopped because I told my boyfriend I took him there. Like apparently he's taking me to court now and going to try to say I'm mentally unstable and not fit for Gavin( My youngest) all because I took him to see his brother. Long story short my son's dads hate one another.

My oldest, Brayden has a good dad and has no reason to be faulted for my current boyfriends paranoia. Yet my current boyfriends mother molested my bf as a child and I am NOT going to let that happen to my baby, f*ck that, no way no how. And long story short I guess, do I need to get out? To save my sanity or whats left of it.

I don't think I'm nearly as mentally ill as I thought I was. I think its his constant mind f*cking and putting me down and making me feel worthless. He has hit, smacked, pushed, slammed me into walls and choked me to the point my throat was bruised and I almost passed out. He's also pinned me down and smacked me, pushed me into walls and chairs thrown things at me while I was 7 months pregnant!!! But like an idiot I lied in court and kept him out of jail. For what? I'm not really sure, he's obviously got a mental hold on me. And yes I am afraid of what he might do if I try to leave with Gavin.

He calls Gavin an asshole, dick, bastard, dumb ass, constantly telling him to shut up and even threw a pillow at me while I was holding him and it hit the baby. Yes its only a pillow, but not the point at all.... Jesus this is frustrating because I know what the right thing is to do, why am I holding back??!!! Someone please help me!

He thinks if he makes me feel bad enough about myself ill break down to the point where ill never be able to leave. I'm in current treatment for my disorders and trying to do right by myself and my children to the best of my ability. But he knows if I get better there is no question about it I will not hesitate to take my baby and walk out that f*cking door.

I'm stuck ,trapped. Idk what to do anymore and am physically mentally and emotionally at my wits end with all of this shit. I have a job but don't make nearly enough to afford everything on my own especially with a newborn child. Yes there is public assistance and help I'm sure I could receive. I just need help ,advice,anything!!! PLEASEEE

 

[BlueOrange]

Blaming yourself is normal, even though it's not good for you.

You are staying because part of you thinks that if you were somehow 'good enough', that he wouldn't abuse you. It's not true - he abuses you by tricking you into thinking that it's your fault.

If you do an internet search, you should be able to find a 'womens crisis centre' or 'womens refuge'. These places have experience helping women to leave. You may also be able to get help from the police if you press charges; explaining what happened last time you were in court might help, if you get a police officer who wants to help you.

You've shown great courage in reaching out and looking for help. Once you're in a safe place, you'll be able to deal with the long-term issues. The next thing you need is to get yourself and your kids to a safe place.

 

[BlueOrange]

In other words: Get out now, and take the kids with you. He will be angry, and it will be frightening. If he really loves you, he will respect you for doing things to protect yourself and the kids. I don't think he really loves you.

 

[Alison83]

Thank you for sharing and I am so sorry to hear of all that. It was certainly hard to read but can only imagine what it would have been like to suffer through it.

I am in school currently and got an A in a class called Abnormal Psychology. My son has ADHD and have been constantly reading up on his disorder and secondary disorders do to this ADHD. To me that is exactly your problem..the secondary disorders you mention which are the bipolar, anxiety, ocd etc. Your primary disorder is certainly the PTSD. In order to truly get a handle and heal from the secondary you have to deal with and work through the primary. While counseling is wonderful for people with basic level of mental disorders such as depression for folks that have suffered truly like yourself and myself counseling is not enough.

We require full on occupational type therapies. Therapies that are goal oriented where you and the therapist are physically and emotionally working on your PTSD rather than just only talking about it. This includes forgetting about counselors that give you a list of things to work on at home and send you on your way.

I am in the process of trying to find therapists out there that actually do therapies like this but they are few and in between the cracks. Most of them want too much money (which is understandable but who has it?), or most of them are too far away.

The sexual abuse you suffered vs the kind I suffered are vastly different and me telling you that yours was much worse than mine for which, again I am so sorry. It's not easy living life like this. Feeling you are worthless, that you were put here only to suffer etc. And I am sure you have been told before that it is not your fault and to stop blaming yourself but that is near impossible to believe and I totally get that.

Are you on any medications? I can only imagine you being on some with all those other disorders. My newest best friend after a physical run in with a rabid raccoon is this generic version of ativan. i am on only .5 mg whenever necessary. typically i take one before bed and it helps me sleep. other than this i found that most drugs out there do nothing for me as my underlying issue is the abuse and i am still miserable.

With that said hopefully this will help point you in a new direction in terms of therapy. Keep in mind that if you surround yourself with positive people and work hard at stopping those negative thoughts it will slowly get you to a better place. I have found that most of my issues are with my thoughts and am slowly trying to train myself to shut them out. When I can't...well I endure it with a nice bubble bath and loads of tears.

One other recommendation..don't be afraid to be a true advocate for your kids. I mean this in the direction of who they are surrounded by. My kids no longer see my side of the family because of the abuse I had to suffer. Same for my Husband's side and the abuse they put him through. All I have is my Husband and kids and yes that is hard...but it is better than no one at all. Good luck and I sure hope that this gives you a bit of more insight. I am always here to listen and am looking for someone who gets me too. It's not easy..ever really but kids...well they make it easy because you can be silly and messy and they still love you and smile at you at the end of the day.

 

[Alison83]

Another piece of advice which I forgot to throw in there...there are many organizations and help out there for single moms. Don't be afraid to seek that help. There are shelters out there for women that have abuse in the home that allow you to bring your kids to, for which I volunteered at one once as a teenager. I recommend googling help in your area for single moms and see about getting yourself out of the current situation you are in. Good luck.

 

[LostGirl20]

Thank you everyone, so much! All the advice was so helpful and I'm going to use it to my advantage and get the hell out!!!

 

[blackemerald1]

LostGirl20 your decision to leave is the most positive thing you have said, and in my opinion not only is it the right decision it is the only decision you can make.

While your bf abuses you in all those ways, your children also suffer. Anger, tension, sadness, fear, pain and all the suffering which you endure is definitely passed on to your children. Simple things like when your afraid maybe you hold your sons tighter. Not smiling and laughing as much as maybe you would. There are numerous things you might be doing or, not doing because of this abusive relationship.

I am certain by all that you have said that you do not want your boys to learn how to be men from an abusive man, they will learn abuse towards you and females. Definitely not a good role model. So, even if you find it incredibly difficult to leave. I believe you must and if you cannot do it for yourself and your own welfare, do it for your sons.

It is a huge decision to leave and I am glad in your last post that you have decided to go. Things will not be rosy for a long time. But just imagine the day when you can make any and all the decisions you like without abuse. I am certain without the daily grind of abuse that your mental health will improve.

Remember when ever threatened with legal action that the Judge will always err in favour of the best interests of the child. Leave and get help from anyone and everyone that has a resource to provide which assists you in creating a happy home for your children and yourself.

It is a long and lonely and painful road to take, but you know your children and you deserve better than this. Do not forget to see a lawyer about visitation issues and child maintenance. Maybe if you cannot get appropriate child care you may need to stop work. Lots of things to consider. But the first move is to relocate to a place where you are safe.

I raised two boys, different fathers, one I ditched when 6 months pregnant because he was a real 'tool'. My sons are now both adults, and I look back sometimes about how terribly difficult it was. My family deserted me entirely and the families of their father's were totally dysfunctional. I had problems with visitation and child maintenance, I was getting just over twenty dollars for each child because I was working full time. I paid babysitters almost half my pay.

But, now I look at my sons and they are both honest, strong and happy men and they are also very loving. Rarely does a day go by that my youngest doesn't give me a bear hug and thank me for something that I did many years ago or that day and a kiss on the top of the head also. (he is tall). My eldest lives a long way from me but he calls me and he wants to know everything that's going on and always tells me he loves me at the end of the phone call. Those days will come for you too, if you can be strong now and carry forward your decision....

You have my best wishes, be strong and go and start your new healthier and happier life with your boys.

Kind regards
blackemerald1

 

[BlueOrange]

He is going to want you back, and you're going to be tempted by that. When that day comes, I suggest you say to him, "I'm scared that you're going to behave violently again. Is there a reason for me to believe things have changed?"

If I'm right about this guy, he'll respond quite badly. If he does answer the question, then maybe he's willing to try, but you need more than that. He doesn't know how to control himself, and he blames you for his own behaviour. Is he taking responsibility? What is he doing to learn? Is his behaviour changing in ways you can measure objectively?

 

[Estacia]

Lost Girl,
If your oldest can stay with his father during the time you are trying to get your life together can be a very good thing for you and your oldest.

I know how hard it is not to have your child with you 24/7 but you really need this time.
I live in AZ there are really no resources where I live for shelters. I hope there is where you are at.

 

[Estacia]

Research and call for shelters and public aid.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Lostgirl20,

I'm glad you've taken the decision to leave because I don't think you have any other option.

I hope you continue to find help and support both here and in real life.

 

[Estacia]

Lost, I hpe you life is running far more smoothly and you and your children are in peace.