Relationship New And Looking For Anyone Who Wants To Help!

[standingstrong]

I will try to make this as short as I can. I am soooo excited to have found this site, it takes the pressure off when stuck in situations that others around me don't know how to handle. I met my boyfriend a year ago June and we instantly fell in love. It was full throttle for the first few weeks of our relationship. He has been suffering from PTSD since about the age of 7, has been cheated on by three women, did three years over seas, killed someone in a car accident did three years in prison and had a child abducted from him. His last marriage is just now at its end. He has been through a lot and I commend him for being the man that he is now.

When we met he was like a bleeding heart and myself just being out of a horrible relationship of almost 10 years was soaking up every bit of it. Never felt something so amazing in my life. He felt the same way and according to him he had no desire to live until he met me. I was his fantasy girl he completely trusted me with everything and still does. I was worshiped for a while and it felt good to have someone treat me that way. We all know that those things fade.

He started his one to two week disappearing act in December right around Christmas, it had a lot to do with his children and things like that. He always came back but things have changed a lot. I have to fight for him to kiss me. I have to deal with disappointment of thinking he will be with me one night and then get a phone call with no more than five words and he needs sleep. I deal with the back and forth but its nothing super serious and he always comes back. Once in a while he lies to me about dumb things. And in one terrible incident he was chasing after his ex who cheated on him with more than 6 people but mostly because he wanted to be with his children.

We got really close and moved really fast and that did scare him however he doesn't let go.
I guess where I am going with this is, this man turns from a bleeding heart to stone cold in a matter of days. When he has those deep emotions come to the surface he most definitely expresses them but other days he completely shuts them off and makes me feel unwanted almost.

He is never mean to me and very self aware. He has issues with Adderall use but without it he is almost always like a robot. I don't know what to do, do I believe him when he writes me a letter and says how much he loves me? Do I hope that him stopping the Adderall and trying to step foward will help? do I believe that someday there will be a stable future for us like he says? He really does love me and I love him with all my heart. He tells me he can't thank me enough for my patients but will it pay off in the end? I am insecure and I know that but I also know that its hard to not be with someone who went from being stuffed up my ass to on and off. His love for me has never changed but I jsut don't know if I am wasting my time,....HELP

 

[Loloma]

Hello and welcome to the forum. There is a Supporter section on the forum that you should look at. I hope you find the help you are looking for.

 

[PineappleCigar]

I don't know the guy, but I think the first thing you have to ask yourself is whether you really know him or whether you just like the idea of having someone. I only bring this up because I too was involved closely with someone who had all kinds of stories about the terrible things that had happened to them... so many terrible things that you think, wow, how could all of that happen to one person.

She too spoke of having PTSD... of being raped... of being arrested... of being a victim in all kinds of ways. Well, she may have had PTSD, but she wasn't raped, something I found out the hard way. Everything about her was a lie and my finding out that was the beginning of the incidents that brought me to this forum. She was messed up, alright, but it went way beyond PTSD. I kept thinking if I just cared for her enough, helped her enough, listened to her enough, she would "get over it"... but I humbly admit I was in way over my head.

I'm not saying this guy has necessarily been dishonest about anything. He may be perfectly honest. I'm just saying people are not always what they seem. Ask yourself, are there inconsistencies in his stories?

If he is what he seems, a PTSD sufferer, then he will behave in ways you cannot understand. The best thing you can do is help him by ensuring he seeks help and takes care of his mind and body through good diet, meditation, exercise, etc.

I know this was rambling but I hope it helps.

 

[KatieHopes]

Standingstrong, you seem like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. LIke you don't want to invest more 9f your time or heart in something that doesn't have an outcome that's guaranteed to be positive. And it's so confusing and sad to have the good times be dangling out of reach.

But,for now, you can be proud of your own patience ... you have something that's needed for love to succeed and you can take this with you.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Just to be fair, I think that pineapple should have identified himself as a sufferer as he did in his intro. His girlfriend has borderline personality disorder. (This was in his intro as well). Now to come over here and claim to be a supporter of a PTSD sufferer, giving the impression that his girlfriends actions were all because of ptsd doesn't sit right with me as it gives PTSD sufferers a bad name and puts unjustified fear into other supporters.

In the interest of transparency, yes, I am a sufferer.

 

[rightkindofme]

Err, it sounds like you two had a lovely rebound relationship together and now it is time for it to end. You aren't giving up on him you are just deciding that it isn't ok for your partner to up and disappear for a week or so. That's not ok. He can still be a good friend even though you want to plan your life around someone who will actually be there.

You have to think you are worth that.

 

[Pencil]

however he doesn't let go

As long as he stays engaged you have something to work with.

Think of what happens to the body in a crisis: Blood flow is concentrated where it is critically needed, thought processes shut down. Read about it on the internet, I am not an expert in the matter and will both it when I try to explain. The same thing happens with PTSD - only core and critical cognitive and emotional functions remain 'open' and operational. This is why sufferers 'isolate' and 'shut others out'. They need whatever they have for themselves and have nothing to give to another. It's about survival. Don't take it personally. If he is in therapy, you might just make it. And you will need to understand the condition.

I might be wrong. I hope I'm not.

 

[standingstrong]

Well one thing remains between him and I and that is the fact that we love each other truly. I guess I could have explained better...the couple of times we spent apart he always came to me and explained himself to me...I know all the things that happened were true because I didn't hear it from just him.

Close friends and family told me about a lot of those things that happened as well... it would seem it was more like a rebound relationship but even he still tells me that no one has ever treated him the way I do and he appreciates it so much he does things for me all the time to show me he loves me and genuinely cares about me he even warns me when he feels like a cycle of isolation is coming on...

I guess what it really came down to was I just want to know if when he feels open enough to express his deep true feelings about loving me more than anything and fighting through this battle as well as I am truly an angel in his life...is it all true? He can only handle so much emotion but he tries and when he dissapears he never does completely or for very long but his hope and wish for the future with me...

I just want to know if I should take his ptsd into account or if he really is just feeding me bs? pencil...Thankyou for the information I guess I just need to be able to understand better about ptsd I have already learned a lot....

 

[Nicolette]

This was written by an ex-supporter Firelily... I suggest you read it:

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/should-i-stay-or-should-i-go-a-reality-check.13743/#post-173979[/DLMURL]

 

[standingstrong]

I apologize for my grammar mistakes. It was mostly because I am using my phone at the moment. I am not always the best at being grammatically correct when texting. I also am sorry as it seems I am not asking the correct questions here, my apologies Nicolette.

 

[KatieHopes]

Here are my 2 cents (and then some)... you shouldn't be sorry for anything!! You're just trying to get it together. And when you seek support from other women, it's always a crapshoot. I noticed that even in a place like this/on other people's posts, some people seem to be motivated to disparage someone else's situation.

Only you know what happened betw the 2 of you. Noone has a right to call it a rebound relationship or put their stink on it.

At any rate, I think you and I are in the same boat..here looking for more info & constructive feedback as to hiw this all works. Unfortunately, we are also in the position of being only 50% of the puzzle. Most of the answers lie with the person who iced it out.

Keep your chin up and don't be sorry that you are trying to learn or that you are a person of faith. The world needs that.

 

[rightkindofme]

If my opinion is asked for I shouldn't give it? Well, I guess that is one way to use a forum site. I'm totally cool with being told, "You don't have enough information" and I will say ok. I have very little information.

If you ask for advice on the Internet you will get it and people only know what you volunteer. If the advice is bad, that happens.