New, And Looking For Some Rest

[MouseWedger]

Hello everyone,

I'm new here and I guess just looking for some rest from the constant running I've been doing for the past four years. It's oddly a lot harder to put down and read now that I'm here trying to do it. Please bear with me as I have a tendency to ramble...

My therapist says that I suffer from PTSD and believes that it was not brought on by the event that led me to her office in college, but rather by my upbringing with a bi-polar, drug and alcohol addicted mother. She feels that the event bringing me to her doorstep was just the final banana peel that caused me to fall. She, as well as another therapist at my alma mater, believe that I also suffer from Survivors Syndrome. I feel that I need to get it out, but it's so much more difficult that just verbalizing it.

When I was nineteen someone I thought was a friend sexually assaulted me at a party on Easter. he beat me so severely I thought he broke both of my arms and I suffered a mild concussion from my head being slammed into the wall. I was in my ex-boyfriends living room, standing by a piano listening to a friend play, watching another group of friends drink and have a good time when it happened. No one moved to help me, they all just sat there. It seemed like forever, but finally someone ran to get my ex and he intervened before things went any further than what I have described.

True to normal teenage behavior, I was where I was not supposed to be. My college didnt break for Easter and so my father and stepmom thought I was still at school on Easter weekend - I never told them that a friend and I had gone home and up the road to my ex's house for a party that got out of control. Because I feared my father finding out (and more irrationally of him being disappointed in my partying) I never had the guy arrested and never sought medical attention at a hospital. My ex is a combat medic in the army and kept a close watch on me the rest of the night to make sure not only that no one bothered me again, but to make sure my heard and arms were going to be OK.

It took me until the fall to look for help through my colleges counseling services and I found my therapist - a woman I was truly afraid to let go of upon graduation last year. She helped me immensely and when I left her office for the last time gave me her home and cell numbers in case I needed help, as we would be living in the same town (I stayed relatively close to my college and several hours away from home, the place where I was hurt, and the other person.), and told me she thought I had come far and would be alright. I still have her numbers but feel guilty calling her for help in finding a new therapist as I can no longer see her because I'm not a student.

To this day, pianos, corners, that guy, and beer all set me off. I black out, throw punches, and frequently loofah myself until my skin bleeds to try and rid myself of the "dirty". My husband took everything rough out of the shower after the last episode and only recently allowed me to have my loofahs and scrubbies back. I've tried to explain it to him, but as a man who has never experienced what I have he doesn't understand that when he drinks I get anxious. He's been drinking a lot lately, I think to make himself feel better or to "reward" himself for facing his own demons in therapy.

Recently I've been having problems sleeping again, as well as with eating and just really getting off the couch. I keep trying to tell myself its the medication one of my doctors put me on but Im not so sure anymore. I just want it to all go away and yet I feel like a whiner with nothing to complain about because I had someone there to help, to stop it before it went even further, when others that I know didn't. My sister was drugged and raped at a party - she unfortunately wasn't drugged well and was only temporarily paralyzed and left well aware of what was happening but unable to do or say anything. A close friend was also raped, and the college covered it up because they didn't want their title of being a "rape-free campus" to be smeared. I feel like I have nothing to complain about and that I shouldn't be so bothered by all of this, that I should be stronger and find a way to box it all up and forget it. To just move on. But I can't. I feel guilty for feeling angry. For feeling hurt and betrayed. My therapist says this is where the Survivors Syndrome kicks in. She also said that no matter how much therapy I seek, it probably will never get any better, that my bad days will still lurk around the corner and that the Easter season will always be very hard for me. I hope she's wrong. I want some rest. I need some peace.

Thank you for reading my rambles and my complaints.

 

[Lionheart]

I am not sure why a therapist would say that it would never get better when it can absolutely get better and anniversary reactions can get better too! No wonder you can't get any rest, your therapist has taken your hope away and I don't think that qualifies them as therapist of the year!!! I am a survivor of sexual child abuse, and an adult child of an alcoholic and I got better!

Keep posting and seeking help and you will get better too. There is no point in saying that your experience wasn't as bad as others, it doesn't minimize the fact that what you went through was traumatic for you! We all have good and bad days no matter how much we heal, this is just the way life is sometimes, but it doesn't mean you will never have any rest from the constant struggles.

wishing you the best,
LH

 

[MouseWedger]

Thank you. I should have been more careful when I said she told me it wouldnt get better - she and I talked about it and she said that it probably wouldnt ever go away. I have a tendency to try and get things out fast enough so that it's all there before I stop myself and still be rational. I guess I made a mistake :confused:

 

[Queen Boudica]

Welcome MouseWedger.

I read and they are not rambles and complaints. They are heartfealt true emotions that need tending to.

It will get better, just not perfect.

I don't know how bad you are really feeling but it sounds like you are pretty bad from your writing.

Perhaps you need a bit more guidance from a therapist about how to move on a bit further, to feel a bit better? Can't do any harm to phone your old therapist and say how you are feeling and ask her for those numbers. That is why she gave you her number. She would not have done otherwise.

I know that would be extremely difficult for me to do to pick up that phone. But I have done it and found it helped and I suspect it might help you too. As my psychologist told me. It is the first step that is the hardest.

 

[MouseWedger]

Thank you Lizio, this has indeed proven a lot harder than expected. Harder almost than telling her about it on my third visit with her in college. I think you are right as well - picking up the phone might be a good idea. Maybe I'll find some courage soon and do it.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Maybe I'll find some courage soon and do it.

You've already shown a huge amount of courage writing this. That was a big step. Hope you can draw on that courage and pick up the phone.

((((( MouseWedger )))))

 

[intothelight]

Hi MouseWedger,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum. It is difficult to lose a trusted therapist, but it may be in your best interest to find another therapist to help you address the issues you are facing. PTSD is not curable, but Lionheart is correct about things getting much better as you work on handling triggers, anniversaries, etc.

The forum is full of information and the support of the other members is invaluable as you journey towards healing.

Take care.
Debbie

 

[MouseWedger]

Thank you both. I feel really pathetic, but last night was a really bad night. So bad, I ended up getting a stuffed bear from my guest room closet that I had as a child to hold during the night. When I woke up this morning I realized that not only did not move all night but I never let go of it. I haven't "needed" it in three years, and feel childish but it helped.

 

[Lionheart]

I am 50 years old and bought myself a plush blue teddy bear when I was 42 because I needed something to hold when I *cried myself to sleep at night.....*(those were the worst of times but it's better now). I still sleep with my teddy bear when I am very lonely or upset. It helps to hold it against my chest when I cry because it acts like a buffer for the pain and I don't feel so alone. I haven't needed my teddy but once in many years but it helps to have it there when I do need it. I don't feel weird or embarrassed about it anymore....ya gotta do what ya gotta do sometimes. I hope you won't need your stuffed bear very much, and I am sorry that you are struggling, but glad you have taken the time to nurture yourself.

 

[MouseWedger]

Lion, you are very right. It helps. A lot. The last time I needed my bear I was twenty and the panic attacks came out of nowhere just before Easter. I had one of those nightmares that you wake up and can never seem to remember. I was at college, my room mate was gone for the night. I woke up at two in the morning, scream, thrashing in my bed. I was turning so much so fast that I ripped my mattress cover to shreds. My blankets and pillows were soaked with a disgusting fear sweat that stunk up the whole room. I was terrified to be alone in the dark and even more afraid to get up and walk to turn on the light. It was like I was afraid he was there in the room with me, hiding under my bed or in my wardrobe. I grabbed that bear and all of a sudden it was like a light turned on, everything was OK. I could hear my dad whispering that it was just dream, it wasn't real, it was going to be OK. I was going to be OK. I kid you not when I tell you I never once let go of that bear when I removed the mattress pad, changed the sheets or aired out the room. I slept with the light on until my roommate came back the next morning.

 

[Queen Boudica]

I grabbed that bear and all of a sudden it was like a light turned on, everything was OK. I could hear my dad whispering that it was just dream, it wasn't real, it was going to be OK. I was going to be OK.

Well done MouseWedger, you found a way to turn away that panic attack. I think that is brilliant. Keep working on those tools to stop that panic and fight the depression, learn what you can from the therapist you see and from the people on here. Use everything you've got.

You are young and, even though you probably don't know it, you are very strong. Your 20's are such good years to build the core strengths that you will need for the rest of your life.

It is much harder when you are older. You don't want to wait until your 40's like me. Use your youth it is such a precious time.

And teddies are cool, no matter how old you are. :D

 

[MouseWedger]

Thank you Lizio. I always saved that bear, thinking I would someday give it to my children when I have them. But now Im feeling a bit selfish and am thinking maybe they need their very own bears... I'm trying to be strong. My therapist says I've been through a lot - growing up with a mom like mine who was always abusive (physically, emotionally, psychologically), having two eating disorders and my assault. I try to be strong, but sometimes I feel like a cracked egg boiling in water... just leaking out from the side, slowly solidifying into something gross.