Relationship New And Need Advice From All You Pro's...thank You! God Bless

[Loyal by default]

Hi everyone, so relieved to have found this site. So many questions, comments and maybe I can share some advice as well.

Here is my situation. Met (online sort of) this wonderful man - we hit it off right of the bat. He immediately informed me that he was former marine, suffered PTSD, had been briefly married twice with the last marriage lasting a couple of months only a few months before we started communicating.

We spent 2 months emailing/texting/calling/face timing everyday, none stop (long distance relationship on top of it all) I can honestly say I truly felt connected to him. I shared things with him I had never shared with anyone else in my life. He told me the same. His pet name for me was "alien". He used to tell me how easy it was with me .. how he didn't need or ever felt the need to explain things to me cause "i got it". His words...not mine.

He came to visit me 2 months into it and it was magical from both sides - there are some things one can & cant pretend. It was evident that he was "into me and the relationship". It was difficult to say bye but we knew we would see each other again. We did a few weeks later, when he came back for another yet longer visit.

This time he stayed for almost two weeks. I can honestly say that we had a great time but I felt at some point he was “holding back” something. We still managed to have a wonderful time and get closer.

I started seeing a change in him after the second visit when he was back home. Took a few days but then the distancing started slowly…he wasn't texting as often, but when he was he was his old self (loving, romantic, expressive etc) but that started was progressing into less and less communication (from what I was used too with him). When I called him out on it he would just say he was busy or tired etc…the more he withdrew, the more I became frustrated etc. At one point I started ignoring his text and calls…that got his attention…but that lasted only a few days. We’d made plans for me to visit him this time…which due to weather almost didn’t happen. His words were “I will drive to you if you cant fly”…flight made it! We were spending Valentines day together, meeting his family – the whole thing. He planned a great valentine’s day getaway and dinner etc. All very romantic – I can honestly say I was falling hard of this marine. Never did I suspect that my world would fall apart in a matter of hours. I was with him for a couple more days – then returned home. With plans of seeing each other again in a few weeks and plans for a “romantic” vacation a few weeks after that (a vacation we’d been planning since his first visit to me).

The day following my returned home he called me and said “I love you but I am not in love with you… I am not quite where you are. There's too much going on and you deserve better and someone who can give you 100%”. I was shattered. There is no way…none that this man faked or pretended or acted the last 4 mths. There is no way the last few days where planned just to make me feel good if he didn’t feel anything for me! Even Brad Pitt aint that good of an actor. He told me “he didn’t want to lose me and needed me in his life. He also said he wanted to keep communicating and texting but it wouldn’t be on a romantic/sexual level”. This took me be complete surprise since we had just had a very romantic and sexual weekend with no issues or hold back.

Question: for you expert…Is this PTSD rearing its ugly head…or just what he is saying and I fooled myself to feeling more than was there???

At this point, I did probably the worst thing I should have done…I’ve cut complete ties with him. I’ve gone into my safe zone and retreated. The pain and hurt is unmeasurable. I feel so blind sided.

Any advice anyone?

I should say that I have witnessed a few of his PTSD symptoms…sleep patterns, agitation, fidgety, checking the doors a few times a day, several showers, drinking etc…none of it scars/scared me. But, I cant help but wonder if he isn't hiding more from me?!

 

[Gryffy]

I'm in just about the exact same boat as you. I think this is somewhat common with PTSD. It hurts so much, but this place (and seeing a counselor) are helping. Stay strong<3

It's so ironic when people with PTSD push us away and part of the reason is because they're trying to protect us from themselves? Being shut out is more painful than trying to work through things together. What's "good for me" is MY decision, no one else's.

 

[Deleted member 24866]

I'm no expert. But would it be worth maintaining a friendship with him? Do you think your PTSD may trigger his? (being it seems he's not really ready to talk about it..maybe that scares him) Could it be the physical distance?

I'm sorry for the pain,.. praying for you dear. Stick around great people here speaking as a new member.

 

[Loyal by default]

Thank you both – I think I will be spending allot of time on here. Reading, educating myself, asking for help and hopefully help others too.

I simply cannot tell how much this behaviour is PTSD/TBI symptom related or simply how he truly feels (if so, the man belongs in Hollywood and should be up for an Oscar or I for the most disconnected with reality person). I am not ready to give up on him or us…but I need to know what I am facing and I need to know that I am not making a fool of myself / chaising him etc.

Thanks everyone…this support means more than I can express

 

[Snowangel1225]

I would say things are moving along too quickly for him and he is getting overwhelmed. If you truly care about this man, reach out to him and agree to slow things down. Work on the friendship aspect of the relationship and put the romance on the back burner. When/if he is ready to move forward, he will tell you. Even then, try and keep it slow and steady and don't allow yourself to get caught up in the moment. You have your whole lives ahead of you, there is no reason to rush into anything.

 

[Loyal by default]

Thank you Snowangel...thank you. The logical battle versus the emotional one is very much at play here...being guided is appreciated.

 

[Justmehere]

It could be PTSD, it could be him coming to terms with some of what a TBI can mean emotionally, and it could be other things... like him being scared this too would end up like his marriages with his heart broken in relationships he was committed to - although I wonder if trauma reenactment probably played a role. So so sorry you are going through this. How awful and heartbreaking! :(

 

[Loyal by default]

Thank you Justmehere. I'm truly at a lost.

 

[AlwaysLoveHim]

I replied to your other thread but thought of something else... when they say they're doing it for us, they really do believe they are. They believe that they are broken, they love us and can't fathom giving us something that they don't feel will ever be whole. They come to us with offerings of dust and pieces instead of a heart and they know it can't be enough. The "beast inside" says that if they get close, they'll have to say goodbye. They were responsible and protective over people they lost in combat, and now they feel responsible and protective over us. We are too good to be tainted by what they are inside.

My bf told me once that if anything ever happened to me he would never recover. Ever. He was clearly fighting getting choked up when he said this. It's a hard thing for us to go through because we don't know what is going through their minds -- what they see as a threat or a failure or whatever. Listen to "Demons" by Imagine Dragons--- my bf said that he really identified with the song and it helped me to see a bit into his mind. The one thing I really learned and still struggle with is not taking it personally. It really has NOTHING to do with you, your worth, or your desirability. He tells the truth about how he feels for you and that scares the crap out of him because he has to let you close. He has to let you see what he hides. And you can't possibly love THAT. I have reiterated to my bf numerous times that when I say "I love you" I mean NO MATTER WHAT.

 

[Loyal by default]

Thank you again Nikole907. And I have concert tickets to go see Imagine Dragon next week ;) ironic or what? My marine and I have had a connection from the first moment. He's shared so much. Opened so much. He even let me read his diary while deployed. IF that doesn't say I love you, I don't know what does! But 3 days later told me he wasn't in love and confusing.