New Carer: Am I Making It Worse?

[Leif]

Hey,

I have been best friends with the girl I love for the past 2 years, spending literally 5-6 days a week together since then. She was abused, both physically and sexually as a child and used to talk about her PTSD but I never really understood it. She rarely needed time to herself, but she had nightmares, and was very sensitive to touching and she experiences flashbacks and invasive memories.

Long story short, I was her best friend through a relationship she had, it ended, we tried to have our own relationship, but I was very bad at really becoming the part because I was so used to putting her needs first because of her sensitivities. This stress got to me and in some arguments, caused me to lash out at her verbally.

She lives with me, but is seeing someone else at the moment. I know she still loves me and I still love her unconditionally, even if just to make sure she is happy and safe where she is. But lately she has been having memories of the times that I lashed out at her, almost like new traumas that invade her mind and get triggered. The majority of the time she is fine and we have fun and act like we always did. But she says won't be able to be my friend once she leaves because I have become prevalent in her bad memories and caused her pain that she has to relive constantly, and it is triggered most often around me and my home.

I have ordered recently some books on understanding PTSD better, but I am at a loss. I love her, want to make sure she is always okay. I know she loves me deep down, but is afraid to forgive me/cannot forgive me because of her memories and needing to protect herself.

So right now I am just trying to support her in her being happy developing a new relationship and trying to find a way to be able to possibly make it so that the things that I have done are no longer so prevalent in her mind.

She has never gone to therapy, she made her way to becoming a lawyer and feels that the way she has always dealt with things is fine how it is. I cannot argue any points with her because she always has excuses about going to therapy. Mainly money and previous introductions to therapists that went wrong.

Does anyone have any idea what I can do to help her? and to help myself?
I love her and want to do whatever I can to help her be happy, but also want to stay a big part of her life. Will I ever be able to get around the things that I have done that cause her to trigger and be in pain? or should I be trying to distance myself so that she doesn't feel them as often?

She recently told me that she used to trust me with her whole life, with everything. But no longer can because of my mistakes. I cannot turn back time, but is there anything I might be able to do to dull the memories of my lapses in control? or is it only time...

I apologize if this message is a big all over, its a very long story and I'm trying to get it out in a reasonable length.

-Leif

 

[amethist]

Hi Leif

Welcome to he forum.

I will apologies first if what I say next seems harsh, but I am just being honest with you.

Knowing from the beginning that she has PTSD from being abused as a child, both physically and sexually, should have made you aware of what you did to her could ruin your relationship. Whether you understood or not, verbally attacking her was wrong to start with, you obviously said something that cut right down to her core, hence the trust in you she had vanished.

My suggestion to you now is to build on your own life, before she leaves. You cannot protect her forever, and it seems like she is doing a good job of it herself already. The best way you can show how much you love her right now is to probably let her go. Let her live her life her way and you live your own your way.

Learn from your mistakes, we all make them. Then move on, remembering them and not repeating them again, for your own sake.

Take care.

Amethist

 

[pebbels]

Hello Leif,

I agree with amethist, I have been in your situation, i hurt my ex unintentionally who has ptsd and as much as it was for me a homer simpson moment like "doh" and as much as it hurt me and him knowing i had at that moment lost his trust in me(and trust is a huge thing in any relationship but very very important to a ptsder and rightfully so) i had to respect my ex wanting out even though i was desperate to fix it and to keep us together, a year later of grieving the loss of what was a good relationship to start with but then turned to shit and belonging to this forum i was able to really understand my reactions/behaviour, ptsd, his behaviour/reactions and why he made his decision. You really do need to let go and live your life for YOU, seems to me that she is doing a good job looking after herself.

Wishing you all the best Lief

Pebs

,

 

[I4C]

What I don't understand is how a ptsd suffer can be with a person at the present time and then when they leave they can not be friends because of trust issues.This really does not make sense to me. If you don't trust somebody, you don't trust them. Am I missing something here.

 

[Leif]

Dang, I had a feeling that what you said was what was going to have to happen. It's just so hard to let go of her. So much of the time we still do so well together and have so much fun. A lot of the time it's almost like she has to remember to be angry with me unless something triggers. But it seems like whenever we start to really get close again, she ends up triggering, which was what led me to come here.

Thank you for your advice, I welcome more if there is any, and I will probably keep posting in this thread with updates or questions in the future!

Thanks again,
Leif

 

[amethist]

Hi Leif

We alway try to be as honest as we can on here, there is no point in being anything else. It won't do any good or help anyone.

I divorced my ex husband years ago, nothing to do with PTSD. I talk to him, laugh with him and have even been out for the day with him and my youngest daughter 18 months ago, (Who by the way was 23 at the time), we had a great time. Yes I would say we are friend's.

Would I ever trust him again, to be with him, never in a million years. OK I have my own reasons for this, verbally attacking me was just one of them. You get my point.

You are welcome to ask questions and keep posting, I hope you can get through this, for your own sake.

Amethist

 

[pebbels]

Awe Leif
Believe me i know how hard it is to let go and the emotions that entails, horrible BUT and i can only speak for myself here, time does heal and like i have already mentioned it was through learning and understanding more about ptsd that it does indeed still take two to tango and that as much as i made mistakes it wasn't entireley all my fault or his, I am at peace with that and knowing as much as it hurt at the time my ex did what was best for him and i believe for me, that one took awhile to see i must add. There is so much to take into concideration when with someone who has ptsd like... fight or flight, triggers, trust, these are just a few but they are a huge deal to that person and again understandably so but confusing to the person who cares about them so much and thinks they can fix it/them or they are the one that the person with ptsd really needs. Wrong!! Only your friend knows what is right for her whether you think it is irrational or unfair, it is her decision,we can't make someone be with us if they don't want to be.

Leif read as much as you can not only in the ptsd section but more so in the carers section. It is a rollercoaster ride for both and the carer needs to be strong, not take things personally which is a learning curve all on its own and a hard one.

Take care Leif

Pebs