General New Carer, Have A Few Questions

[Tabitha]

I know that everyone is different but I'm so lost with all of this and I'd just like to hear other's advice and experiences. Again I'm sorry for the long posts, just want to learn every thing I can and give as much info as I think should be given to get better advice.

First off "N" just (last month) got officially diagnosed with PTSD after years of thinking she just had chronic depression and being bi polar. There were multiple traumas, suicide of father when she was 7, raped at 15 by stepfather, and suicide of brother when she was 23. She's never been to therapy for any of them.

We've only been together for 6 months but I love her with all my heart and try REALLY hard to be patient and understanding BUT it's extremely difficult and frustrating sometimes. I fell in love with her before she got her diagnosis and feel it would be unfair of me to leave her for that, especially when she's making an attempt at getting help with therapy and meds. Somewhere deep down I know she loves me too, it's just confusing. Sometimes I think I can handle it and sometimes I just want to scream! I imagine this is what all the carers go through.

Some days are good, she's chatty, fun, jokes around and affectionate. Then there's the bad days & I know it's normal for someone with PTSD to withdraw, but is it unfair of me to ask for "us" time. Do I not ask for "us" time and wait until she's ready and willing?

Sex drive is non existent since about our 4th month together. I've read that this is normal too. How did you as carers come to accept that? Did you feel insecure at first....has that passed?

Meds. Her doctor has her on Paxil 40mg and Risperdol for anxiety. She takes the Paxil but after reading all the side effects of Risperdol, she's too scared to take it. Should I try to convince her it's okay to take or do I let her make that decision? If she won't tell her therapist she's not taking them, should I?

I went with her for her first two appointments to her psychiatrist and just sat quietly. When the doctor would ask her questions, sometimes it seemed like she was afraid to answer them so she'd look at me, and I would answer them for her. She told me she feels more comfortable when I'm there with her but I don't want to be her advocate, I want her to find her own voice through all of this so that she can learn to heal her wounds. Is this okay or do I continue to come with her to her appointments until she feels ready to talk on her own?

One last question. I've heard the detailed horror stories of what she's been through. From a detailed account of the rape to finding her brother dead after she got off of work one day. I don't mind listening but I feel like knowing what's happened to her is taking an emotional toll on me. I just want to hug her, tell her she's safe and that I love her very much at every opportunity that I can. Sometimes I think about her past and I cry. Any advice on dealing with this? Would there be any issues with us both seeing the same therapist but separately? I am scared that I get so caught up in her depression and trauma's that it starts to affect my mental health.

I feel like such a bother asking all of this, but everything I've read on here so far has been such a blessing. Thanks so much.

 

[amethist]

Hi Tabitha

Your post caught my eye, especially the piece about you going in to see the doctor with her. Talking for her when she cannot, not wanting to do it for her and hoping she will learn to do it herself so she gains the strength to heal herself.

I had to do this with my husband when he first started therapy, but weaned him off me being with him, by only staying for shorter lengths of time, until the last few sessions were only a few minutes to go over what had happened between sessions, which was written down so it was just a quick update.

As for finding your own therapist, it would be probably a better idea to find a different one. This way neither you, your friend or the therapist can accidentally cross any boundaries between you all. Plus their will be no influencing of how either of you are treated by what the other has said.

It is no bother you asking questions at all, and the only daft questions, are the one's you don't ask.

Take good care of yourself, and remember you cannot "Fix her", she has to do that herself in the end.

Amethist

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Hey Tabitha

Good on you for asking questions and getting help because I wont say you can't do this on your own but hopefully by reading & posting on the supporters section here you can avoid some of the pitfalls.

You say N is seeiing a psychiatrist but she's not happy about the meds/side effects. She needs to speak too the doc, until she can communicate honestly with him/her there will be real no progress.

There are benefits if you can go to apptmts with her, you may remember more clearly what the doc says and have a more objective view of the session. However, don't make it too easy for N to look to you to answer the docs questions, answering for her can create bigger problems. It would be more helpful if you just prompt her with one or two words, allowing a rapport to build between N and the doc.

Then there's you, Tabitha, and the importance of looking after yourself. If you feel that the way N discloses her traumas to you is detrimental to your wellbeing then you need to find the words to put boundaries in place to protect yourself. It may be that she is expressing a lot of/lack of emotion which you find difficult. Perhaps it comes out like an avalanche. Whatever it is you need to be able to talk to someone about it. Maybe the same counsellor would see you both, sometimes they will.

Do take care of yourself.
Best wishes
LH

 

[maddog]

Hi Tabitha. Let me say first off that I'm a sufferer, not a supporter (ooo, it feels a little wrong to say it like that - I hate labels!) and so I am unlikely to have a lot of worthwhile advice for you really. But your post jumped out at me, chiefly because you expressed the complexities of your situation so honestly and passionately and openly that it really touched me, and I just wanted to say that I reckon any sufferer in the world would hope to have someone like you in their corner if given the choice. It's obvious that you are devoted to N, yet also pragmatic and extremely motivated to improve the situation for both of you, and nobody could ask any more of you than that. I sense, in fact, that you ask too much of yourself and put too much pressure on yourself to "fix" this for her, or at least to figure out how. Of course you have a role in walking this road with her and you will be quite critical to her journey to improvement. But as others have said, ultimately it is her battle, her choice and her internal heartfelt desire and motivation to get better that are the defining factors. You can only be there to support, assist, champion and be true to her along the way, and, most critically, to do all of those things for yourself first.

In answer to your questions, as I said, take my advice with what little it may be worth, but I do agree that while it's no doubt very encouraging and helpful for you to support her in person at doc's appointments in the beginning, this is something you should start to wean back, in consultation with her and the doc if necessary. I have a very limited support network of my own, but had developed a very close rapport with my primary T before I first went to se a psychiatrist, and he came with me to my first appointment, primarily for practical information sharing reasons and also due to some work-related complications, but I have to say that my emotional reaction at that time was to wish that somehow he could continue to come, to help me by saying the things I didn't want to say and to just "be there" in my insecurity.

Of course this didn't happen, and in hindsight it was the right choice of course, because I had to learn to speak for myself and to advocate for myself, as difficult and uncomfortable as it was for a while. I think the same will be true of your wife.

And on the issue of you seeking your own support? Oh please, I can't emphasise this enough, please make sure you look after you. The impact on other people of receiving our disclosures is something that I think that we, as sufferers, often overlook or are unaware of. Afterall, we live with these horrors every day and it can be easy to lose sight of their impact when dumped out of the blue on someone else, especially someone who cares aboutus and will feel distress on our behalf as well as their own. I would very strongly encourage you to reach out for support, whether through your own social or family support network, and/or by means of a professional. This will be critical and you deserve to put yourself and your mental health ahead of everything else. I tend to think a different therapist would be better, but also that every situation is different there and you need to go with what feels right and also to bear in mind that just as withN, it might take you a couple of tries to find someone you click with anyway.

Sorry for the enormous ramble, I just really wanted to send you a warm welcome and some really heartfelt empathy and encouragement. Thanks for sharing with us, I know that I for one have learned so much from the supporters on this forum - it's really very humbling.

Maddog

 

[Tabitha]

Amethist—Thanks for the reply. You gave me a good idea to just jot down updates, share that with the therapist and leave them to talk alone for the rest of the session. I’m still undecided as to using her therapist as my own or not. But thanks for the advice about that too.

Ladyhope-- I was proud of her last nite! She took the meds like she was supposed to and it helped her! J After reading her my posts that I wrote here I mentioned that hearing her stories bothered me sometimes, but I explained that it’s only because I care about her and it hurts to hear what happened to her. I just don’t want her to think I’m judging her for her past.

Maddog—Your advice as a suffer will be invaluable to me! You sure called it right. I do put way too much pressure on myself but I’m working on that. I’m working on delegating what problems I can and need to fix and what problems are beyond my control. As far as labels, I understand the need for them here in the forum but I’m not fond of referring to myself as a “carer” and her as the “sufferer” either, I’m just me and she’s just her. And you are just you. I do also think that you were right when you said she lives with the horrors everyday so she forgets the impact that being so open with me has. However, I must say that I am glad that she trusts me and takes comfort in talking with me about it all. Please don’t apologize for an “ enormous ramble”, I’m willing to read anything that you are willing to write. All of this information is truly a blessing and invaluable to me! And one more thing, when I read what you said “any sufferer in the world would hope to have someone like you in their corner if given the choice” it really brought tears to my eyes. Even though she can’t show it, I just know in her heart she appreciates me and even though it was from a virtual stranger, those words touched my heart more than you will ever know. Thank you.

Thanks to all for the replies! Have a great day.

 

[IvyMillie]

Sorry for all you are going through. It's so great that you understand one of the Biggies that her behavior isn't all controllable to her--she really can't help occasionally pushing you away. Yes it's one thing with my husband anyway I can't plan for how he is going to be feeling. So I just try to enjoy the times he is friendly and more open. I never know how long these moments will last. It set me up for disappointment when I would hope we could have just a nice time together and he would be in a bad mood and then I would be so upset. Now I don't set myself up like that.

I think it's hard to really understand what they have gone through and we wish we could just wipe it out of their memories but we can't. It's good that you realize that emotionally it's just too much for you. I think you are doing great by communicating on this forum and learning as much as you can. I also give you credit for being so understanding and caring.