Oki, so much to respond to!
Becvan firstly - for the appology and also because you cited concentration difficulties. Appology accepted - I over-reacted to your initial post, I think because I'm so used to going to 'guard mode' where this subject and person is involved.
I really appreciate the appology though, and I hope it wasn't the length of my post that had you feeling overwhelmed or any of the contents that made you irate. If I accidently triggered you, you have my deepest appologies - I really didn't mean to and I'm so sorry if I did.
Damiea, hey again :)
You've hit an interesting point. Have you ever given advice to someone only to find that in a few days you realise that the troubles you were trying to work out at the same time were helped/would have benefitid/been resolved by the things you said to others?
It's happening more and more frequently to me these days.
Veiled, up until I started this thread, up until you and Anthony started asking questions I couldn't ignore, I genuinly thought I had dealt with that section of my past.
I ended up a little frantic and teary, but it forced me to make some conclusions about myself that I hadn't before.
1) Recently I have become an emotional self-harmer, but (just about) refrained from an old habit of using my finger-nails to slice the top of my arms. Never really realised I was doing it when I did, until afterwards.
2) I haven't dealt with a lot of the stuff from years ago. I simply pushed it away and didn't think about it. Never really felt it was that bad. Until I started telling people and they were angry and shocked.
After I read yours and Anthony's post, this guy came online, and I ended up unloading on him all the stuff from long before he met me - I have a copy of the conversation and will figure out how to attach it if that's oki
(ironic how I've been looking after him all year and yet the last 3 or 4 breakdowns has been me, and he's been the optimistic positive influence pulling me to my feet again?)
Anthony, the thing about forgiveness? Thankyou, although I don't deserve that - it's a very important lesson I learnt from one of my greatest friends - she's been through so much, and yet has sorted out her life with the help of her now-husband, and has gone from this broken, angry, vulnerable person to in all seriousness, one of the best, most inspiring, beautiful people you could ever meet.
I've realised her words for myself now, so it was a lesson I learned that I said, but she taught me. In her words, all that hate and pain and anger took up space inside her, and she didn't want it anymore - she wanted that space for love and hope for her future and for her step-sons and for her life.
Done a fair bit of work on myself, but have a fair way to go yet!
Veiled - I don't know why I hold mystelf to standards that I don't expect of others. You're not the first to ask that. I'll find the answer one day.
You're also not the first to note that I help people a lot, and ask what I gain by it. Again, not sure if I do gain or not. Could be purely selfish in that I LIKE my friends and want them to stick around and not kill themselves or self-destruct!
I would briefly hazzard that perhaps I know what it feels like to have no-one stand by you, to be lonely and helpless and scorned by nearly everyone who comes across you. And I don't want others to go through that.
I know that if I was going through things like that, I would be ashamed but at the same time so grateful of anyone willing to spend their time on me (realised I initially put 'waste their time on me', which I deleted, but then felt that self-accusation was an important insight I needed to examine. Don't you just love train-of-thought writing?)
I'm not religious, but 'Do unto others, anyone?'
My life will be worth something if I can ease someone elses pain just a little. Their time with me will be justified. I'll be worth something.
And the next step that that thought process has just exposed in me - I know how this sounds...I'll be valued by them, not discarded so easily. My goodness, that's rather a selfish reason to help people isn't it? It's certainly not the only reason - finding my own self-worth (which I think I have, just there's a time gap between that self-finding and the setting of that conviction) and thus removing that reason, would not stop me from doing all I can to help those I love.
You might be able to take it to some soppy sentimental level in that me helping and protecting others is trying to do the same for the person I once was, but that sounds a little far fetched and 'Disney'. The concept just amused me.
I'll post this now before it turns into actual essay proportions.
