New Flashback Of Being Raped,But I'm Out Of My Body

[Lauren]

I wish I could help you. I do know that I thought that I had a "memory" when I was in my 30's of a possible rape when I was about 7 years old. It was so strong that I drove to where I thought the house was where it happened and it wasn't there so I chalked it up to a dream. A few years later my father and I were going on a back packing trip and were driving near where my grandparents had lived. I asked him to stop buy the old house and there the house of my dreams was right across the street. I went chalk white and thought I was going to pass out. I now believe it happened, but I can only remember the terror, the knife, what was said by the 2 kids before the man came in the room and looking out the 2nd story window at my grandparents house with a tear sliding down my face, begging them to let me go. I don't remember any more. I can see myself, like I was outside my body but I do remember the terror I felt. I'm new to this forum but everything I am reading seems to point towards dissociative symptoms that you describe as being very common.I wish you luck in your search and healing.

 

[Artista]

Hmmm... it's my very fear. I have random flashbacks that are now intense. I have had a break from them for a week... but kept from sleeping and avoided things and just was sooo anxious I think I scared even them off!!!! But seriously... it is a sheer terror. I get it! The complete sensory experience is something others do not get if you haven't had it. I haven't had the whole picture of my trauma yet and it completely makes me ill to think of it. I think, for me, until I get it all in detail, I won't let it go. It's as if the power will lessen on me once I do or at least that is my hope. Right now, triggers, have surprised me because I haven't been aware of them and then it flings me into flashbacks. If i know it all they can't sneak up on me so easily. For me, the fragments have been more vivid and intense than the vague, general overall memory. I think things in fast forward are easier to see than slow motion in our case.

 

[sandy]

Jadebear, I completely understand this. I was repeatedly raped by my husband (now ex). Many of the memories that I have I see exactly the way you describe. I see the whole thing from up above, looking down. I don't feel anything, physically but, it hurts me emotionally. I discovered that when things got too hard for me I would not want to be there. I'd go someplace else, in my head (disociate) or I guess, on occasion, have to watch from someplace outside of me. I found out that this happened when I was describing a memory to my therapist, I kinda freaked out a little about it and she explained that sometimes people have to do it to cope with what is happening. It is unsettling to know that I am capable of "watchng" a memory like this but it hurts more to know that I had a reason to have to do it.

 

[syrinx]

It is really hard when puzzle pieces of memory are fitting together. I've had similar experiences. I blanked out my entire life prior to age 10, and it wasn't until I started to get flashes of being assaulted did I get any memory back of my childhood. Slowly an entire story unfolded, and random memories over time started fitting together into a terrible story.

It is also hard knowing what is real and what isn't. I know so little about my childhood, even though I've been regaining memory for over a decade, memories I know are real slip away from or I feel are untrustworthy. Part of this feeling I think comes from them being jarred out of their timeline. Some memories I don't want to be real, and others where I don't have any collateral evidence or I'm unsure I let myself trust the emotions.

That's really the key to it, your emotions are real. That terror you feel is real, and something caused you to feel that. In the end that's what I let matter, I was traumatized, and it doesn't really matter to me so much what did it.

 

[Actarvisa]

I have recently experienced a new flashback of being raped at 7 years old, but in the flashback I'm beside myself, outside my body, watching myself being raped. I feel nothing when I have this flashback, I don't even feel anxious. I have been having nightmares of being raped since I started seeing this though. So how do I trust that this is even a true memory or that it happened at all? I feel very confused about the whole thing.

well.... i wish i knew more about this. but recently (yeah it says im like 20 something on my account, im 15) ive been raped multiple times and i have some flashbacks also. i go through what happened, but everythings black. same feelings, smetimes emotions are involved, most times not. its just a continuous cycle. its not very helpful, but i dont THINK it would be fake flashbacks. it could be that because it was so long ago, your mind varies things sometimes or your emotions take over like in a dream and alter things. i doubt this is helpful, but i hope you can get something out of it.