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New Flashback Of Being Raped,But I'm Out Of My Body
- Thread starter Jade-
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Nicolette
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I believe that your body tries to protect you as best it can. That being said, by these issues coming up now, as much as you don't like them, the best thing you can do is face the truth as denial can be detrimental. Also, this event coming to the surface suggests to me that your mind thinks you are ready to deal with it. Don't be scared - be strong as if you survived that processing the event can't be any more traumatic and by doing that you help yourself heal.
Hi Jadebear,
I was sexually assaulted at a young age. I carried memories and nightmares about the incident for decades;the longer I tried not to think about it the better I got at not remembering them and then something would trigger them and I would be dreaming the dreams again and having flashbacks. I had some success talking to my sister in 2008 who remembered a number of things that coincided with my memories and dreams and at that point you just get physically ill because you can keep the things in your head in check. What you are remembering may be stuff that needs to get out. I don't know how old you are but a very wise therapist I worked with for a number of years told me that many people begin to recover memories or link things together when they hit their 30s. Ask your therapist about this and if you don't have one you may want to really consider getting one. It's my feeling that this kind of stuff is hard on families and you need someone to go though it with you professionally. Often those closest to us hurt for us to the point of not wanting to hear the painful things that happened to us but yet sometimes we reach a frantic need to spill every horrible and vile detail of what occurred. Perhaps this is the beginning of that. As Nicolette says--be strong. You can survive it.
Gina
I was sexually assaulted at a young age. I carried memories and nightmares about the incident for decades;the longer I tried not to think about it the better I got at not remembering them and then something would trigger them and I would be dreaming the dreams again and having flashbacks. I had some success talking to my sister in 2008 who remembered a number of things that coincided with my memories and dreams and at that point you just get physically ill because you can keep the things in your head in check. What you are remembering may be stuff that needs to get out. I don't know how old you are but a very wise therapist I worked with for a number of years told me that many people begin to recover memories or link things together when they hit their 30s. Ask your therapist about this and if you don't have one you may want to really consider getting one. It's my feeling that this kind of stuff is hard on families and you need someone to go though it with you professionally. Often those closest to us hurt for us to the point of not wanting to hear the painful things that happened to us but yet sometimes we reach a frantic need to spill every horrible and vile detail of what occurred. Perhaps this is the beginning of that. As Nicolette says--be strong. You can survive it.
Gina
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- #17
Yes, I'm seeing a therapist, I started seeing one a couple of months ago to try to get some help with codependency issues and by the 2nd visit I was spilling my guts about all these things I have in my head. I didn't even have intentions of doing that, it just came out. Once I started doing that it was like the flood gates opened and I am remembering things I thought I had buried so deep they would never resurface. I'm also having flashbacks of things I don't remember (like being raped) and I feel so overwhelmed that I can't think straight.
My biggest problem right now is since I told my therapist last week about this new flashback, I feel like something really bad is going to happen to me for telling him, like someone is going to seriously hurt me or like I'm gonna die. I've been feeling so scared and I think if i can get past those feelings, I will be able to think about it and talk about it with him.
My biggest problem right now is since I told my therapist last week about this new flashback, I feel like something really bad is going to happen to me for telling him, like someone is going to seriously hurt me or like I'm gonna die. I've been feeling so scared and I think if i can get past those feelings, I will be able to think about it and talk about it with him.
Wow Jadebear, a lot of this sounds familiar. When I told my therapist in 2008 about the details of what happened to me I suffered many of the same feelings. Would I be judged/believed/and felt lingering feelings that my life was collapsing around me. Problem was, he did not go through it with me or do any real therapy so I simmered in some pretty horrible depression for about a year. It sounds like your therapist is "with" you and that is a huge asset. As I was going through all this I felt like I was going to die--a bit different than your situation--but it produces some desperate and uncomfortable feelings. I got through it but you feel like you are wading through a cesspool in the process but you do come out the other side.
I suffered with PTSD for so long that I had these weird feelings that went like this: I just turned ten, what will 20 be like, will I live until I'm 20, will I get to be 16 and drive and then graduate high school? Then when I turned 20 I spent the majority of that decade wondering if I would make it to 30 and I dated little thinking what's the use, etc. and it went on through life like that until my 50's. This is part of PTSD--a foreshortened feeling of the future. For me, putting all these graphic and disgusting (I felt they were) things out into humanity was very overwhelming. Have you and your therapist talked about a safety plan? If not you should do this. For example, do you know how to contact your therapist if you need to? Do you have friends you can hang with if you need to and you can't get hold of your therapist? If you start feeling suicidal do you know what to do? Do you know where the hospitals/emergency room/mental health resources are if you need them? Can you get access to medication if you need to from a psychiatrist/primary care physician? Can your therapist talk to that person? You can sign consents and releases in advance and make them good for a year so communications can be expedited if you need to. Ask for a treatment plan that outlines therapy approaches so you can have something written down to look at when things get confusing and you feel like you are frantic for the next step.
When I stirred everything up by really talking about it for the first time, I felt feelings of doom; I felt stalked and hated to go to sleep because I would have nightmares. I thought I heard noises and when the ice maker in the refrigerator kicked out cubes I would jump out of my chair in the living room where I was sitting. I swore a random noise was someone at the door or in my basement. In short I felt very paranoid and unsafe even in my own house. It is better now but the fear and anxiety is definitely kicked up a notch while I was putting things out on the table. Hang in there and keep close to those you trust and try to be around things you find grounding. The people here on the forum are with you but keep your contact in the real world close at hand. Every-ones' experiences are different but we all have a few common threads. You can make it and survive it. Your last sentence of your post IMHO is dead-on target.
Gina
I suffered with PTSD for so long that I had these weird feelings that went like this: I just turned ten, what will 20 be like, will I live until I'm 20, will I get to be 16 and drive and then graduate high school? Then when I turned 20 I spent the majority of that decade wondering if I would make it to 30 and I dated little thinking what's the use, etc. and it went on through life like that until my 50's. This is part of PTSD--a foreshortened feeling of the future. For me, putting all these graphic and disgusting (I felt they were) things out into humanity was very overwhelming. Have you and your therapist talked about a safety plan? If not you should do this. For example, do you know how to contact your therapist if you need to? Do you have friends you can hang with if you need to and you can't get hold of your therapist? If you start feeling suicidal do you know what to do? Do you know where the hospitals/emergency room/mental health resources are if you need them? Can you get access to medication if you need to from a psychiatrist/primary care physician? Can your therapist talk to that person? You can sign consents and releases in advance and make them good for a year so communications can be expedited if you need to. Ask for a treatment plan that outlines therapy approaches so you can have something written down to look at when things get confusing and you feel like you are frantic for the next step.
When I stirred everything up by really talking about it for the first time, I felt feelings of doom; I felt stalked and hated to go to sleep because I would have nightmares. I thought I heard noises and when the ice maker in the refrigerator kicked out cubes I would jump out of my chair in the living room where I was sitting. I swore a random noise was someone at the door or in my basement. In short I felt very paranoid and unsafe even in my own house. It is better now but the fear and anxiety is definitely kicked up a notch while I was putting things out on the table. Hang in there and keep close to those you trust and try to be around things you find grounding. The people here on the forum are with you but keep your contact in the real world close at hand. Every-ones' experiences are different but we all have a few common threads. You can make it and survive it. Your last sentence of your post IMHO is dead-on target.
Gina
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- #19
Wow, gdf, you wrote exactly what I'm feeling right now with the feelings of doom, being stalked,etc. I've been waking up at night afraid that someone will break in and kill me or something.
I hadn't thought about a "safety plan"....Thanks for the suggestion,I will talk to my therapist about it tomorrow.
I hadn't thought about a "safety plan"....Thanks for the suggestion,I will talk to my therapist about it tomorrow.
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- #20
I have had so many random flashbacks through the years that haven't made sense to me and that have just left me feeling confused. The flashbacks were random sexual things that I didn't remember happening. Now all of a sudden the flashbacks aren't random, I realize they're all pieces of the rape and I have put the "puzzle" together and can remember every detail.
When I see the entire rape in my mind, it doesn't really bother me a whole lot,I don't really feel anything. But when I have the individual,fragmented flashbacks (the pieces of the rape) ,I get an adreneline rush and feel sheer terror. I don't understand this, these random flashbacks never bothered me before,now they're totally freaking me out. Can someone please explain what's going on? It seems like remembering the rape in it's entirety should freak me out more than the fragmented parts.
When I see the entire rape in my mind, it doesn't really bother me a whole lot,I don't really feel anything. But when I have the individual,fragmented flashbacks (the pieces of the rape) ,I get an adreneline rush and feel sheer terror. I don't understand this, these random flashbacks never bothered me before,now they're totally freaking me out. Can someone please explain what's going on? It seems like remembering the rape in it's entirety should freak me out more than the fragmented parts.
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- #21
Jadebear, IMO what is happening to you now is a process of acceptance. You are realizing now how "real" it is, so now you are able to have some emotion. Anxiety and fear is a response of other suppressed emotions. I think the flashback are intense now because you are starting to realize the big picture, but the big picture is still to big for you to process, so in fragments you are experiencing the emotions.
I don't know if that makes sense, I hope it does, because it did in my head before I wrote it out, lol.
I don't know if that makes sense, I hope it does, because it did in my head before I wrote it out, lol.
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