New Friend?

[.Ambivalent.]

So, I think that I have made a new friend at work. It feels very foreign to be saying that, since I tend to distance myself from people at work. I go in and put on what I like to call my "Happy Sane Face", don't tell people much about myself and just do my job. I have had this job for six months, which is my post-PTSD record.

Anyway, during my first month at work I did become very overwhelmed with it all. It is a very stressful job in the healthcare field. One day after feeling more stressed and overwhelmed than usual and needing a break, I flung myself into the RN's office, knowing it was a quiet, calm place where I could rest for a moment. She could tell I was feeling overwhelmed and we talked it out, and I was able to go back to work feeling quite a lot better.

After that incident, I distanced myself from her the same way I do everyone else. Until this past Wednesday. I was working at a facility by myself (the residents and other staff were on an outing and I stayed behind to do paperwork). The RN showed up to drop some things off. We started talking casually about work or whatever, and she asked me about why I have such strange hours, rather than normal shifts like everyone else. I told her I had requested those hours for something I go to on Wednesday nights (A PTSD support group that I had been meaning to attend for the past month, but hadn't yet). She asked me what it was, and I snapped at her and said it was personal. She seemed OK with that answer and we chatted for a bit, but she left shortly after.

Later in the same day, I had to go to her office to pick up some files. I felt bad for snapping at her, so I decided to try to apologize. She assured me that I hadn't snapped at her (I'm fairly certain I did), and was really cool about the whole thing, but still curious about it. Long story short, the whole story ended up coming out, and I even explained to her how I was really stressed about going to the support group and was going to try to go again that night. She was really supportive and said she knows a lot about PTSD. That probably shouldn't have surprised me, considering she's a psych nurse! Anyway, I actually made it to the group that night...Although, when I got there it was empty, so maybe I had the dates wrong. :confused:

The point is, we've started talking more. Right now, it's a pretty mutual friendship. I tell her things, she tells me things...We have normal conversations. She doesn't try to be my T or anything, she's just supportive. That is what scares me. I'm afraid that I will start trying to turn her into my T, rather than my friend. That's what has happened to half of my friendships, the other half were just pushed away. I have very few friends, and the ones I do have I don't see often. I would like a 'normal' friendship, and feel like I could have one at this point. The thing is, I'm not sure where to go from here with it. I can only find so many reasons to show up at her office, and, although she doesn't mind, I'm not going to start calling her or showing up every time something is bothering me.

I was thinking about asking her if she would to grab lunch or coffee sometime next week. I envision us just sitting there, having a normal meal and normal conversation with no mention of PTSD or anything related. I'd ask her questions and get to know her better, and it would be normal. What other people do when they go to lunch with a co-worker. I want to try to make this a normal friendship if that's even possible. A mutual friendship, not one-sided. So far, it has been mutual (she talks to me about stuff too!). I just don't want it to change now, since I've dropped the "PTSD-bomb" on her.

Anyway, I'm wondering if anyone has experienced something like this? Did it work out? Does lunch sound like a good idea? I really don't want to screw this up! Also, I find it hilarious that the first friend I've tried to make at work just so happens to be the psych nurse! :roflmao::p

 

[IvyMillie]

I'm so glad for you to have found someone who is so understanding and kind. It sounds really good and it's great that you really want it to work out.

My experience is from the viewpoint of having a friend who has some problems. She is much younger than me, and our relationship is more about her and her problems. She tends to call when she has problems. I'm okay with that, because I really care about her and understand alot of her issues.

In your case you are wanting a balanced relationship. I think you are on the right track, by inviting her to lunch you are really extending yourself towards her. You are also cognizant of not dominating the conversation with your problems.

Many nurses are nurturing type of people by nature, so it's good that you have someone like that. As you mentioned you just don't want her to turn into your T. I think that if you are interested in her that will make the difference.

When she mentions something be sure to really listen. Ask questions about the things she says. Sometimes I will think of things ahead of time to ask about. With her you could ask her why she got into the field? What is hard about it? Does she ever get burned out?

When I develop new friends anymore I also try to go a little slow. Trust is really important to me. I might say something private and then see if they can keep a confidence. I try not to be too needy give the relationship space and time to develop. If you rush it too much people can get overwhelmed. Feel the person out--am I pushing too fast?

I'm just so impressed that you are working so hard to make the friendship work out. It's a delicate thing and when things don't work out it's not always our fault. I think you are on the right track. I hope the best for you. Having a close friend is one of the best things in life. They are rare, but add alot of enjoyment to our life.

 

[ronin47]

It sounds like you two just clicked without really having to put out a ton of effort. I love those kinds of friends :). Although it probably sounds really hard, I wouldn't overthink the relationship. I would just let it do it's own thing like it did in the first place. Just be yourself around her, but don't get concerned if she tries to be helpful and supportive of you. In all likeliehood that would just be her trying to be a good friend rather than a T. I know I always try to offer my friends a hug when the seem like they are feeling down and ask them why they seem depressed. It's my way of letting them know that I care enough to ask.

Invite her to lunch with you when you both have a break or something. And don't get discouraged if she says she can't, just try again another day. Just let it come naturally without trying too hard.

 

[Zipperhead]

My old friends have been pushed away. I can't tell them. Any of them would probably be there for me if I called, but none of them know, so I don't call. It's easier when most of them live hours away, it doesn't seem unnatural that I don't call.

As for new friends, I have the select few that know, and for the most part they are sufferers as well. I belong to a group, and we meet once a week (except we have stopped for the summer). That is a strange relationship. No one wants to push, everyones afraid to trigger someone else, and yet we meet and discuse. It seems artificial, and does little more than get me out of the house.

As for real relationships, I'm jealous of you. It sounds like you have someone who understands there and doesn't care. A normal conversation with someone who knows the truth and still respects you as a person, not a victim. What I would do! Keep it as an at work thing at least! Lunch times, coffee break, etc. Make sure it stays mutual, don't scare her away. She is a trauma nurse, so she will probably even be more understanding at the occasional slip. What I would do! Jealousy does not become me. Congrats at finding a real friend, someone who knows what you are, and doesn't care.

 

[.Ambivalent.]

Trust is really important to me. I might say something private and then see if they can keep a confidence.

That's where I started. I have told her a few things in confidence, and she has kept them to herself. Really, she could go to my boss and tell her everything and say I'm not fit for work or something, but she hasn't done that. Of course, she thinks that I am fit for work, as do I right now. I think if I ever wasn't, she would warn me before doing anything, but she would do something about it. She knows that I would want her to, anyway. I know my boundaries, and I know when things are getting too difficult and when to step back, but I also ignore that sometimes and push myself too far.

And, ronin47, yes, we definitely clicked right away! I'm trying not to overthink it, and after having a day off work and away from her, it's easier to relax about the whole thing. I'm not so overwhelmed by it. I feel like I can go in on Monday and remain calm about it. I'm also trying to be a good friend to her as well. I have to watch myself all the time, and make sure I'm not talking too much and giving her a chance to say things, too. So far, I think we're doing alright. Our conversations have been pretty mutual exchanges, besides the other day when I was freaking out a bit. :oops: But, she was okay with that, and very supportive when I needed it most!

Anyway, thanks to both of you for the advice! I appreciate it. I am definitely going to ask her about getting lunch sometime later this week or next. I'm nervous, but excited and really hopeful that things will work out.

 

[.Ambivalent.]

My old friends have been pushed away. I can't tell them. Any of them would probably be there for me if I called, but none of them know, so I don't call. It's easier when most of them live hours away, it doesn't seem unnatural that I don't call.

Sorry! You posted while I was writing the last one, so I totally missed yours until now!

That is exactly what happened to my old friends too. Then, there were some that stuck around or that I tried to hold on to, who couldn't handle it when things got rough and took off. I haven't really made any new friends, not any that I'm close to.

I have one friend from college, who I now work with. She doesn't know, but I'm pretty sure she knows that something isn't quite right. I'm around her every day at work. She sees my best and my worst. I don't think I'd ever come out and just tell her, though. I don't know why. I do trust her, I just...I don't know. I'd rather leave it the way it is. If she finds out or figures it out, that's fine, I guess, but I'm not going to be the one starting that conversation!

I have another friend who has stuck around forever, (we met when we were children). She isn't a PTSD sufferer, but she has other mental health issues. So, we can relate to each other and talk about things openly, because it's common ground. Different, but the same, you know?

Other than that, I have a few casual friends who show up when they feel like it. I don't really put much effort into the relationships. If they're here, they're here. If they're not...I don't even really notice.

Anyway, an update...I did ask the potential new friend to lunch and she said yes. She actually seemed just as eager as I am about the whole thing. I didn't expect that. Anyway, we're going to have lunch on Wednesday. I let her pick the day. :) I've already got ideas about what to talk about, and she's good at making conversation, herself, so I think it will be fine. We're probably just going to have lunch at work or somewhere nearby. I actually have Wednesday off, so it will be fairly awkward walking in on my day off to eat lunch there! Oh, well. There are so many people coming and going to and from our main office and working at quite a few different facilities that no one will even realize it's my day off. I'll be the only one thinking it's odd!

So...That's that, I suppose. I feel better about things with her now just from knowing that it's mutual (if it wasn't, I doubt she'd go to lunch with me, or even sound somewhat interested/excited about going to lunch with me!). Anyway, thanks for the advice, everyone! :)

 

[Zipperhead]

Most of the people I call friends have been shot at and have shared a bunker a time or two. They are for the most part the people who could understand the most. One of them was the guy that bandaged me up and loaded me into the med evac. They all repect me, and what I did. I know they wouldn't judge me, and yet I'm afraid of the akward silence of not knowing what to say. Not to mention the fear of "am I next," which is probably why Army Guys have such a hard time dealing with mental injury. It isn't that we think of the other guys as weak, it's that we understand the ticking time bomb better than we want to admit.

My new "friends" don't understand the military mentality. They don't understand the job we do, or why we do it. And they can't understand why we feel we need to do it. But they didn't know me before, and assume that the way I am now is who I've always been. Less questions that way. Fewer questions means a better night sleep I suppose. But it is a lonely world. You have a friend now that understands (two, by the sounds of it). You are blessed. Take advantage of the support, and try to give as much as you take. Not all of us are so fortunate.

Al

 

[.Ambivalent.]

Zipperhead, my new "friends" think that this is how I've always been, too. It is lonely, but...In some ways, it really is easier. That's why I haven't told them. I'd rather stay in this blissful ignorance, than tell them and risk them not understanding, not believing, or asking too many questions. We can go out and have drinks and have fun and never get into anything personal. It's fun but lonely indeed.

And, I have another update, probably the last one. My friend, yes, I can call her that now, and I didn't end up having lunch or dinner, but we did hang out after work today for several hours. It was after the office closed, so it was just us there. It was quiet and peaceful and we ended up talking and enjoying each other's company. She kept asking me questions and everything, and I finally I stopped her, told her it was time for me to stop venting, and we talked about her for awhile. It turns out we have quite a bit in common, similar interests and background. She really opened up to me, and I listened and let her vent for awhile too. She wants a mutual friendship as much as I do. We're planning on going out for dinner and drinks when we both have a day off. It's very exciting.

I'm feeling a bit more confident tonight because of it. I don't think I'll scare her away like I do pretty much everyone else. I don't know. It's kind of scary as well. I don't leap into things like this normally. I don't open up to just anyone, and I certainly don't trust quickly, rarely trust anyone at all, really. This is a big change for me. I just know that I can trust her. I mean, I've been able to trust her with some really big things so far, and she hasn't let me down. I can't see that changing. I get paranoid about it, of course, but I talk myself down from it, because I just KNOW it will be okay with her. I can trust her. She's proven that to me already. :)

The End, for this post anyway. For now. lol. Thanks for listening and letting me rant about my social awkwardness. ;-p

 

[.Ambivalent.]

Well, several weeks later...I am feeling like a complete idiot. I don't even know what's going on anymore!

My friend and I were doing great for about a week. Then, somehow, things started to spiral out of control. I don't know if it's something I did or if she's just sick of me, but...We went from talking and being very open, to nothing. I mean, we still work together, so I still see her or at least talk to her every day at work. We're fine at work. We still talk and b**** about work stuff the way we used to, but outside of work and work-related topics...Nothing. I mean, okay, maybe she just wants to be work friends...That's fine, but she doesn't say anything! Instead, I'll start talking about going out for drinks or dinner or something, and she'll encourage it, then blow me off at the last minute. This has happened several times, and I've given up. We also used to call and text each other outside of work, and now we don't. I mean, I HAVE but she doesn't respond. Then, at work, she doesn't even mention it. No, "Hey, I saw you called yesterday, but I was busy, what's up?" She just pretends it never happened, and I don't want to bring it up. It's just really weird. If you don't want to be friends outside of work, then just say something! :mad: This behaviour is making me really paranoid and confused.

So, I don't know what to do about it. I could just continue to ignore it and hope it gets better, I guess, but that's making me a little bit more crazy than I already am. It's ridiculous how much this is stressing me out, add this to the intense work-stress right now and I feel like I could explode at any minute. So, I could talk to her, but I don't know what to say. I don't want to say something and push her further away. I am trying to just give her space and only talk to her about work stuff at work, where we get along just fine. But, I can't ignore the fact that we spilled our guts out to each several weeks ago and she's just acting like it never happened. I can understand if she's uncomfortable. I can understand if she's busy. I can understand if she's decided to slow down and just be work friends and see what happens. The thing is, I just need to know what's going on. Not knowing leads to me making assumptions and none them are good! It's difficult to even come into work right now, because I'd rather not even talk to her. Then, I get to work, and we handle a work situation together, vent about it after, and everything is good. Which makes me think, we're alright and try to shift things away from work-stuff. Then, she completely ignores me for it. I just do not understand this at all.

I feel betrayed, and I probably shouldn't. As far as I know, she's kept my secrets just as I've kept hers. I feel hurt and lonely and confused, because I thought things were going so well and I'd finally found a friend that I could really trust. It wasn't just one-sided either. I tried to be the best friend that I could to her. I'd listen to her. Listen to her vent, listen to her ideas, listen to her secrets. I'd reassure her and tell her she was doing a darn good job with whatever she was working on. I was careful not to put to much pressure on her or unload on her too often, or, at least, not without allowing her to do the same to me.

I guess the thing that bothers me most, is that apart from not having a clue what's going on, I don't even know if I'm overreacting or reading everything she says or does the wrong way. I just don't understand or know what to do about it. Any ideas? Can anyone relate to this at all? I feel like I'm really alone in this. The few people I talk to outside of work, think I've gone off the deep end again because of this. They don't understand why I'm so upset and confused and paranoid. :(

 

[Zipperhead]

Maybe she's got some problems of her own right now, and is closing off abit. Why not start a conversation with "what's wrong, you haven't been yourself lately." Sometimes we're not the only one hurting.

 

[ClairBear226]

You know, there's a "code" with nurses, right? "Always the nurse, never the patient". I've been an RN since 1995, and a nurse's aid, ward clerk and admitting rep before that for a combined total of 22 years in healthcare. 3 different hospitals, and 2 different hospice companies. I'm the daughter of a nurse, the niece of a nurse, and the friend of several. They're the same everywhere I go. We're supposed to be caring and supportive. And for the most part, we are. But if you really want to watch a nurse do a nice little mental wrestling match with herself, show her up close and personal how easily it would be for her to be the patient. Whammo. She'll back off quicker than lightening. How easy would it be for most of us to have something traumatic happen, and wind up wrestling with PTSD? Answer is, WAY too easy.

Ambivalent, don't take it personally. Seriously. I've seen the same pattern in a lot of nurses. It's why we can support everyone else on the planet, but never each other. The nurses I have as friends don't really know a damn bit about me. We've had coffee and lunch and chat about work. Ask about each other's kids, etc. But we don't usually ask about the deep dark personal stuff. The easiest way to deal with the possibility of someday being a patient, is to never look that possibility in the eye.

It's a superficial relationship, sure, but it's still a relationship and still has its value. If I were in your shoes, I'd take what she can give and call it a day. Lunch, coffee, and a smiling face that knows your name. Nurses spend so much time as the caregivers, that we can be particularly bad at doing it on our off time too. Suggestion? Look for friends that aren't wired like nurses. My go-to suggestion for meeting new people is always to take a class that interests you. You'll find people that are there for the same reason. And if you don't, you learned something new, and can try again with another class next semester. Good luck. And check back in with an update, will you?

 

[Zipperhead]

I was talking to a social worker this morning about my wife and she said something that made me think. If we put our problems all in one place, that person will often feel over whelmed. The thought that it is up to them to save you is a lot of pressure to put on someone. But if our friends know that they are just one strand in our safety net, then they will be more at ease and friendships can flourish.

I thought that really fit here. Your friend may just feel incapable of dealing with your issues and afraid to fail you. But she may still really care, and if you could show you weren't depending on her, she may even excede your expectations. Friends help out. That's all. We have therapists to do the dirty work.