Relationship New Girlfriend Has Ptsd And Is Upset, Need Advice

[Slartibartfast]

Okay so long story short: Me and this girl I was friends with for a couple of months recently started getting involved. We went on a trip with a group of my friends and on the night before we went I found out she suffers from PTSD. She was getting more and more stressed that week already because she had to make some big decisions about her life. Her trauma happened around this time of the year so that might have contributed as well.

On the trip she felt she didn't really get on with my friends and some of my female friends were upset I did not give them enough of my attention. We decided to try and spend the day without talking too much with each other so I could focus on my friends and she could connect with them. BAD DECISION. We spent the evening and next day together and had a good time but it definitely upset her and she got angry with my friends for forcing us to do something like that (while it was mostly my stupid poopybrain).

After that we spent two more days together and had a great time. I then made the mistake of giving one of my friends, that she really didn't like, her snapchat (I hoped it could help them get on a friendly basis), she received a couple of snaps of her (I was having dinner with some friends) and she got really angry and told me she was done. I got really worried because she said she could feel herself spiral back into the horrible place she was about a year ago.

She is out of town until Sunday and I figured I give her her space. What would be the best course of action after that? I really want to mend things with her because we connect really well (except the past couple of days) and I know I was a positive influence on her. However she also needs her space and shuts people out if she's stressed or doesn't want to deal with difficult conversations/issues. Even if we can't get back what we had I want to be there for her and help her get her life back together because she has very few people in her life she can rely on.

Should I try to contact her and talk things out or send her a message letting her know I'm there if she needs me and leave it up to her to initiate contact again?

 

[darrenS]

the first thing i would consider before making any moves is to find out if she is being treated for her PTSD

 

[arfie]

I would leave the ball in her court until she is ready for the volley. I would also watch myself for assumptions that I know what happened from her perspective. PTSD is weird country. Appearances can be deceiving.

Be gentle. Be patient. Lots of votes of confidence.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'd be hesitant to get involved with someone who didn't like my friends. I'm concerned that efforts to get her involved with your friends was a "bad decision". The story starts with "I went on a trip with a group of my friends...." If she didn't like your friends, then why did she go? And even if she didn't know them that well before going, I think its a bit unreasonable of her to expect you, the common denominator, to spend all of your time with her and for you to ignore your friends. If I was one of your friends who was being ignored, I'd say the same thing, hey, you came on vacay with us, spend some time with us! You barely know this girl and she's already got the isolation bit going for you, too? To be honest, you're gonna need the support of those friends, so don't shut them out for someone with PTSD.

I'm also a bit concerned that minor efforts to bring her closer to your friends are sending her to a bad place. I understand that you want to be there for her, but I don't know if she is ready for a relationship if little things are sending her over the edge. Do you realize that if you are her girlfriend then you are going to be adding stress to her life? No matter how over-the-moon a relationship is, it adds to the stress level of a PTSD sufferer. I say this as many supporters don't really understand this bit....they think that a relationship is always a good thing when it is sometimes not so good for us. This is why its good to know if she's in treatment. If she's not in treatment, I'd say that perhaps its not a good thing to get involved with her. (Was her trauma just one year ago?)

 

[Slartibartfast]

She is being treated and on medication since about a year, it happened two years ago. She started a new therapy a while ago and was making a lot of progress but I'm afraid she's now been set back significantly.

It was just two friends that had the feeling they did not receive enough attention, the others are fine as far as I can tell. She knew two of my friends and seemed to get on well with them so I thought it would be a good way for her to make new friends, which turned out to be a fatal miscalculation.

I get that a relationship might be too taxing, my priority is to make sure she is well and asks for my support if she needs it (as I said she doesn't have that many people to rely on).

Thank you for your quick replies. I think I will send her a text when she gets back knowing that I'm there if she needs me and leave it at that.

 

[Gunsmith]

I agree dude. Let her know you're not going anywhere but move at her pace. Don't "force" actions on her, give her a chance to say yes or no. If she cares about you the no's will become yes as she takes herself out of her comfort zone in order to bond. Don't judge, diagnose, or suggest treatment other than seeking out a professional- everybody is different, there's no one way to repair the damage done.

 

[StarChild]

some of my female friends were upset I did not give them enough of my attention.

It was just two friends that had the feeling they did not receive enough attention,

To be honest, I find the reaction of these so called "female friends" a bit special... I have male friends too, but when they enter or entered a new relationship, I always did a step back, as not to disturb a relationship. Did all of you draw the lines between you clear, or rather not so very clear? Why do those women think they would have a special entitlement for your attention? Could you explain this a bit more specific, please?

 

[Slartibartfast]

Could you explain this a bit more specific, please?

I've already been friends with them for a long time and have some history with both of them (we kissed). One of them has some issues of her own and has a major need for approval and attention. We were and are very close but I naturally pulled back a bit once I started getting involved with the other girl. The other can be insecure about our friendship but to a much lesser extent, I was really close with her 2 years ago.

The main thing for them was seeing that this new girl made me happier than they ever did and they could see it. I guess they both got a bit insecure about what they meant to me.

 

[Gunsmith]

You took your new girlfriend on a trip with TWO exes? You got stones dude... Don't think I could pull that one off.

 

[darrenS]

no wonder your girl is having issues - have you considered how you would feel in the same situation

 

[Slartibartfast]

They weren't my exes, we kissed once, about 4 years ago and nothing major happened. There weren't any romantic feelings.

 

[darrenS]

one of the things with ptsd is trust issues and depending on the type of ptsd this can be quite serious, many sufferers will put on a brave face , but if they have a problem with it , eventually they will react. My ex wife has many male friends and she is tottally trustworthy , but because of my illness , there are times that i just cant help feeling threatened and i react - i would suggest you take it very slowly and not pressure her for anything, let her come to her own conclusions, if he is comfortable i am sure you will hear from her again

 

[Deleted member 27524]

@Gunsmith I just laughed at your response cause i was thinking the exact same as you! I don't blame that girl for reacting that way. Sorry but bad idea!