Relationship New Girlfriend Need Space

[Ineedhelp]

Hello,

I have read through many of the forums on this website and have found many of the threads very helpful. I am currently dating women who suffers from PTSD. She was sexually abused for many years while she was a child. Also, she has had trouble in the past with Anoerxia. When her systoms are strong she does not eat. We met about 4 months ago and everything was great until last month. She started to need to spend time apart. She said she was feeling stressed and needed space to get her thoughts together. She also told me that she spent 7 months (last year) in a clinic for trama/eating disorders due to her PTSD. I did not know this until a month ago. She mentioned she had fought an eating disorder when she was younger but I did not realize it was so recent. She also talks to a therapist weekly.

After she told me she wanted space we went from talking everyday to maybe a text message. I met up with her for a couple of hours two week ago (her suggestion). I told her that she can take the lead in the relationship and that I will not contact her unless she initiates. It has been difficult. I always feel like calling just to see how she is doing. I told her that I have been researching PTSD to help myself better understand her situation and to help manage my expectations. She was very greatful and mentioned that no one has ever tried to better understand what she goes through.

Am I doing the right thing? Sometimes I feel like I should contact her to make sure she is ok? I am also not sure how long this time apart will last. I love her very much and have found many positive qualities that I have not found in anyone else. I have reasured her several times that I am here. I am trying to love her at a distance right now. For the time being I am giving her space and only contacting her when she contacts me.

 

[Hopeful1989]

I would suggest calling her every once in a while just to check on her. I know sometimes I get in an isolation mode and won't call anyone unless they call me, but I want them to call anyway. Don't expect an hour long conversation. Just call and and let her know you are there and thinking about her.

 

[Ineedhelp]

Thanks Hopeful1989!!

We really have not talked on the telephone all month. We mostly just e-mail or text. I don't want to be overbearing by calling. If I don't hear from her this week I will call.

 

[Hopeful1989]

No problem. Emails and texts are good, but I know, for myself, I need to hear someone's voice to ground me and bring me back to reality. I wish you and your girlfriend all the best.
Blessings
Hopeful1989

 

[Cin]

Hello,
Am I doing the right thing? Sometimes I feel like I should contact her to make sure she is ok? I am also not sure how long this time apart will last. I love her very much and have found many positive qualities that I have not found in anyone else. I have reasured her several times that I am here. I am trying to love her at a distance right now. For the time being I am giving her space and only contacting her when she contacts me.

Sounds to me like you are doing all the right things. I wish I could tell you that the time apart will end soon, but my boyfriend is an isolator too. He has been out of contact for just over 3 months now, the longest stint yet.

His advice to me when he is like this was to let him know every once in a while what is happening with me, call and leave him a voice mail message so he doesn't feel completely alone. It is really hard sometimes, especially when I don't hear anything back from him but it is something I have had to learn to accept about my relationship.

I have found in the past 2 1/2 years that as much as I want to be there for him, I need to be there for me too. So now, I fill my life with other things so the time passes faster. It helps to keep my head clear and my emotions in check.

 

[Ineedhelp]

Thanks Cin for your insight! Very helpful. I am learning to adjust my expectations and accept the situation.

 

[cate1980]

Hello,

just wanted to say that it is really wonderful that you are trying to learn more about PTSD, to support and love your girlfriend. It helps restore my faith and hope for the future to know that there are good men out there who will try to support and understand, even when it feels confusing and difficult.

Unfortunately my own boyfriend did a quick disappearing act when he found out what was wrong with me. I'm so glad there are better men out there! I would echo what others have said - you sound like you are doing the right thing by tying to remain loving and supportive but also giving her some space. I would also echo the caution about isolating though ....I have periods where I will shut myself away and not contact anyone at all, and I think and feel I don't want to see or hear from anyone - I couldn't even face making a phonecall. BUT, I still would feel better if I found a voicemail, or received an email - it does help to make you feel people still care and will be there 'at the other end'.

A friend of mine, when I was in an isolating period did a lovely thing - made me a little 'goody bag' of feelgood stuff - a little bunch of flowers, some healthy snacks, scented candles and bath oils and other stuff that was designed to help me create a peaceful, healthy and 'feelgood' zone at home. She just left it outside my door and dropped a text to say it was there and wish me love. It was a really lovely thought and not too intrusive - she didn't push me to see her. Maybe something like hat would be nice? Or maybe it might seem a bit much. I don't know - you must judge your own situation of course.

Anyway, best wishes and again, thanks for being one of the good guys x

 

[Ineedhelp]

Thanks cate1980 for the great suggestions and comments. It sounds like you have a wonderful friend. There are good men out there that will supportive and understanding!

Thanks again.

 

[Ineedhelp]

Hello,

I am worried for my girlfriend. She indicated to me today in a text that she is "struggling with alot of things and is trying to hang in there". I haven't spoken to her in a few weeks and have only seen her once in the last month (minimal contact/one e-mail or text a week). Her symptoms seem to be getting worse. Do the symptoms typically get worse before they get better? I let her know that I am here for her and if she ever needs anything to let me know. She is seeing a therapist right now but only once a week. I miss her dearly and I hope everything is alright.

Whenever I feel sad or lonely because of this situation I read this forum to help myself better understand everything. I am greatful for this Forum!!

 

[Cin]

Things do get worse before they get better, unfortunately. Therapy would be bringing a bit of stuff to the surface which would be taking her to a pretty dark, painful place, but it's part of the process.

Just keep letting her know you are there for her, maybe in one of the emails you send you could include a reassuring voice clip, that she can replay when she needs to feel you there without having you there.

Even if she can't show it, I bet she really appreciates that she has you on her side. You're doing great.

 

[Ineedhelp]

Thanks Cin for the suggestion. I had a very similar idea already, a short video clip. I actually e-mailed her a short video clip (1 minute) yesterday using my computer. Just a short video message reassuring her that I am still around and letting her know that I am here for her. She responded and was very touched and mentioned no one has made her feel that important before. However, she did say she felt like she doesn't deserve my care or patience and that I should be with someone that is healthy and without baggage. And in the same sentence mentions that "you still being here for me means so much to me".

I responded letting her know the many reasons why I care about her the way I do. And told her she deserves to be treated well. Thanks again for your suggestion.

 

[jenaew]

You seem like a great boyfriend, INH.

Try and remember what you already know about PTSD. I think coming on here when I am sad and confused helps a lot too. It helps remind me that I'm not alone in what I'm going through, and the great people like Cin and Nicolette (and others going through similar situations) give really good advice that may help as well.

I know it seems hard to remember why they do things the way they do. Currently I haven't seen my boyfriend for almost two weeks. Its hard, and we even talk a lot more than you seem to with your girlfriend. Its very hard, I get what you're going through. But I think you are handling very well, I admire that. I wish I could be that level-headed sometimes.