Hi my name is Kim and I've been suffering from PTSD for a while now. I'm hoping on this forum I can find others that have advice and ways to cope with it. My story is long so please bear with me.
I was in an abusive marriage for nearly five years. I was already a single mom of my son, who was 4 at the time, when I met my ex. Things started out okay but he rushed the mrriage, 5 months after we met. He was always verbally abusive but things got worse when he got a job offer and we moved from Va, where my entire family lives, to AZ. After the birth of our first daughter I saw the signs of his temper and ignored it. He would scream and throw things. There were times I thought he was going to throw my baby against the wall. I wanted to leave but I was 2000 miles away from anyone I knew. He had forced me to quit my job and I was completely dependent on him. When I became pregnant with our second daughter he got physical. He would slam me against the wall and threatend to punch and kick me in the stomach so I would lose the baby. After I had her things got even worse. He started doing cocaine and meth. The beatings got more frequent and more violent. One time he threw me on the bed and choked me until I was unconcsious another time he held a knife to my throat and told me if I ever left and took the kids he would kill me, then my son before he took my daughters. Everyday I was walking on eggshells terrified that something, anything will set him off. Being screamed at and thrown against the wall was a daily thing. I finally was able to get up enough nerve to leave him a month before my youngest turned a year old. When I did leave and got an order of protection he cleaned out the bank account and left me with literally nothing. I couldn't even buy diapers and formula for my baby. I did get through it. I got a job and things were somewhat okay. I was extremely lucky to have a wonderful friend help me and my children through all of this including losing my home and moving myself and my 3 kids into a tiny 2 bedroom apartment. I was thinking I was a survior.
Then I started having these extreme mood swings that I had never had before. Any loud noise and I jump, like that cartoon cat that clings to the ceiling with fear every time the dog barked. I can't control any of my emotions and I felt like I was losing my mind. Normal stress like my kids fighting send me over the edge, something that I never even paid much attention to before. I lost my job because of the economy so now I don't have insurance except ahccs. I went to my doctor trying to get help but my insurance only covers therapy through this place where you can only see a counselor once every 3 or 4 months. I was given cymbalta and while it did help a little, I started going to school for holistic healthcare and herbalism and learned all of the horrible side effects and the downfall of this drug. I stopped taking it and went an herbalist instead. The herbs and the fish oil helps a lot. In fact they work better than the drug did. The problem I have is I am unable to actually see a therapist and work on this disorder. I have nowhere safe to talk about things I'm feeling or all of this anger I have inside of me. I really have no support. No one really understands that its absolute Hell inside of my brain. I can't tell you how many people have told me to "get over it." I want to desperately to get over it but when I have a flashback and I'm back in that bedroom with his hands around my throat. I can smell his cologne, I can feel the life being choked out of me, it doesn't seem possible. Yes I did survive the abuse but I feel helpless to survive the hell that still exists inside of me. All of this is compounded by the fact that even though my divorce is final, I'm still in court fighting to keep my daughters safe from this psychopath. My daughters are now 7 and 3 and are in therapy. The courts keep putting off making a decision because I never called the cops.
I have looked for support groups near me but they are either designed for military ptsd or domestic violent victims whom do not have the severity of emotions like I do. I can not afford to see a therapist and am pretty much doing this on my own. Not the way to go, I know but I really don't see any other options. I'm willing for any advice anyone can give me. Thank you for allowing me to share my story.
I was in an abusive marriage for nearly five years. I was already a single mom of my son, who was 4 at the time, when I met my ex. Things started out okay but he rushed the mrriage, 5 months after we met. He was always verbally abusive but things got worse when he got a job offer and we moved from Va, where my entire family lives, to AZ. After the birth of our first daughter I saw the signs of his temper and ignored it. He would scream and throw things. There were times I thought he was going to throw my baby against the wall. I wanted to leave but I was 2000 miles away from anyone I knew. He had forced me to quit my job and I was completely dependent on him. When I became pregnant with our second daughter he got physical. He would slam me against the wall and threatend to punch and kick me in the stomach so I would lose the baby. After I had her things got even worse. He started doing cocaine and meth. The beatings got more frequent and more violent. One time he threw me on the bed and choked me until I was unconcsious another time he held a knife to my throat and told me if I ever left and took the kids he would kill me, then my son before he took my daughters. Everyday I was walking on eggshells terrified that something, anything will set him off. Being screamed at and thrown against the wall was a daily thing. I finally was able to get up enough nerve to leave him a month before my youngest turned a year old. When I did leave and got an order of protection he cleaned out the bank account and left me with literally nothing. I couldn't even buy diapers and formula for my baby. I did get through it. I got a job and things were somewhat okay. I was extremely lucky to have a wonderful friend help me and my children through all of this including losing my home and moving myself and my 3 kids into a tiny 2 bedroom apartment. I was thinking I was a survior.
Then I started having these extreme mood swings that I had never had before. Any loud noise and I jump, like that cartoon cat that clings to the ceiling with fear every time the dog barked. I can't control any of my emotions and I felt like I was losing my mind. Normal stress like my kids fighting send me over the edge, something that I never even paid much attention to before. I lost my job because of the economy so now I don't have insurance except ahccs. I went to my doctor trying to get help but my insurance only covers therapy through this place where you can only see a counselor once every 3 or 4 months. I was given cymbalta and while it did help a little, I started going to school for holistic healthcare and herbalism and learned all of the horrible side effects and the downfall of this drug. I stopped taking it and went an herbalist instead. The herbs and the fish oil helps a lot. In fact they work better than the drug did. The problem I have is I am unable to actually see a therapist and work on this disorder. I have nowhere safe to talk about things I'm feeling or all of this anger I have inside of me. I really have no support. No one really understands that its absolute Hell inside of my brain. I can't tell you how many people have told me to "get over it." I want to desperately to get over it but when I have a flashback and I'm back in that bedroom with his hands around my throat. I can smell his cologne, I can feel the life being choked out of me, it doesn't seem possible. Yes I did survive the abuse but I feel helpless to survive the hell that still exists inside of me. All of this is compounded by the fact that even though my divorce is final, I'm still in court fighting to keep my daughters safe from this psychopath. My daughters are now 7 and 3 and are in therapy. The courts keep putting off making a decision because I never called the cops.
I have looked for support groups near me but they are either designed for military ptsd or domestic violent victims whom do not have the severity of emotions like I do. I can not afford to see a therapist and am pretty much doing this on my own. Not the way to go, I know but I really don't see any other options. I'm willing for any advice anyone can give me. Thank you for allowing me to share my story.
