Dissociation about abusive marriage, memories flooding back

[Hazel_Rabbit]

I was in an abusive marriage that ended 14 years ago, but while I was in it I was very much controlled by my ex-husband. He coerced me into watching porn and going to strip clubs, and then ultimately persuaded me into doing threesomes with other women, which I hated but went along with to appease him. I felt trapped and helpless and like I couldn't leave, especially as he said he'd kill himself if I did. Instead of getting a divorce, I had an affair with a man who ended up being a mirror image of my husband, minus the physical abuse, and who again coerced me into a threesome. After it all, I buried it as deep as I could and didn't talk to anyone about it as I felt so ashamed. I'm now in a healthy, trusting relationship, in therapy and 100% sober (there was alcohol and drugs involved in the past), and I am struggling so much to remember things clearly. Huge sections of that time are just blank or come back in flashes and I can't see the full picture. I know I've disassociated since childhood as a coping mechanism as my sister has BPD and took her emotions out on me, but now I feel like I need to remember everything but I can't. My fiance is struggling to understand why I acted like I did in my marriage if I hate threesomes and am not interested in women, and I can't seem to remember enough details to give definitive answers.

 

[Friday]

My fiance is struggling to understand why I acted like I did in my marriage if I hate threesomes and am not interested in women, and I can't seem to remember enough details to give definitive answers.

Ask him if he’s struggling to understand NON-sexual things in your abusive marriage… whatever they were. Drying the can opener “correctly”, having dinner on/hot, whatever.

Most people? (In judeochristian culture) Have a bit of a disconnect with normal life & sex. So much so as to differentiate “sex life”. So they can understand normal life being affected by abuse, but struggle to understand sex being affected by abuse, and vice versa.

If you can make the cognitive link FOR him? So he sees your sex life in your abusive marriage as “just” another part OF the abusive marriage? Things will usually click. Why would you think the sex life in my marriage was healthy and fullfilling, when the rest of the marriage wasn’t? In nicer terms, maybe. Or maybe not.

It embarrasses a lot of people that there IS that disconnect. Embarassed people respond… awkwardly. At best.

 

[Hazel_Rabbit]

Ask him if he’s struggling to understand NON-sexual things in your abusive marriage… whatever they were. Drying the can opener “correctly”, having dinner on/hot, whatever.

Most people? (In judeochristian culture) Have a bit of a disconnect with normal life & sex. So much so as to differentiate “sex life”. So they can understand normal life being affected by abuse, but struggle to understand sex being affected by abuse, and vice versa.

If you can make the cognitive link FOR him? So he sees your sex life in your abusive marriage as “just” another part OF the abusive marriage? Things will usually click. Why would you think the sex life in my marriage was healthy and fullfilling, when the rest of the marriage wasn’t? In nicer terms, maybe. Or maybe not.

It embarrasses a lot of people that there IS that disconnect. Embarassed people respond… awkwardly. At best.

Thanks for your advice! My fiance is incredibly supportive and understanding of a very confusing situation. I just wish I could remember everything clearly to give us both clarity, and heal my demons as I'm getting terrorized by this even though it was over a decade ago.