holycross1
New Here
Hello
I am a 40+ year old male. I am not diagnosed due to distrust of most people. I am outgoing to the outside observer, but ready for the (Shit Hits The Fan) STHF at any and all times.
I am a survivor of abuse along with a sister who survived that lives far off. I was born premature to a mother strung out on prescription nerve drugs she got from several different doctors. She attempted killing me in the crib at 1 year of age as a way to get back at my dad. My 5 year old sister fought her off and saved me. She would try a few more times to kill me by age 13. One time I lost a lot of blood from the head injury. She said a demon did it. The hospital and the authorities didn't give a rip.
I was raped by a neighbor in my grade school years. Was ritually abused several times as a child. I was forced into an adoption by my mother to my step father. If I did not do it, I was told my dad would be jailed for owing 3 months child support. I was 10 and did not see him again till well into my 20's. I was well warned and threatened not to speak because life would be worse if I did. I was quite rejected at school. Alienated very quickly by those who would befriend me. My sister took her rage and issues out on me by aiming the worst of the kids at me. She backed off a bit after the bloodiest incident with our mother.
I tried religion, but found it full of the worst types. Pedophiles and narcissist covering for their real lives. I have loved and composed music since 3 years of age. Took up guitar at 10. Guitar saved my life. Its the only outlet I had at the time. Had to disarm my sister when she was having a LSD flashback. My mother locked us in a room and told us to kill each other and left.
My sister tried to murder my adopted father that day and was committed. My mother returned and turned it all back on us driving her over the edge. Again the authorities did squat.
My school made my parents get me counseling for ADD and stress. Couldn't share because I was scared Of the stories my mother told me being real. My counselor gave me Ritalin. Did not help one bit. I started to smoke at 13 and doing drugs at 15. My friends were my family and my family were my enemy along with the cops and any other authority that looked the other way or took part in my pain. I tried the local occult for an outlet till they sacrificed a girl I barely knew before. But when cops and other local authorities shown their hand in covering it up, I was scared and offended at their presence and left at the age of 20. Never went back except for visits every few or more years to my sister and real father. My mother had calmed down quite a bit during those years due to bad health.
At that point in life, It had never occurred to me that my life was not normal. I thought everyone lived this way behind closed doors. Cops, teachers, doctors, family members, preachers, had all made me think this was all normal and acceptable by all standards by their shelving of all the events in my life. They either didn't want to be bothered by paper work or ultimately everything from the rape to the abandoning us and the attempted killing was all my fault. I owed it to my sweet brave mother to be good, quiet and make her proud. Plus make up for the disappointment my sister had become to my parents for acting out against them.
My head was definitely a little f*cked up huh?
My mother kicked the bucket just into her 50's. I was in my late 20's. I did not shed a tear. I had begun to figure out how clueless I was at that age. I had married at 25, and realized how little I was prepared for the world. I had no idea what was expected of me as a man. My stepfather never took time to show me anything ever. As a teenager I worked with him to do odd jobs for our landlord after a bankruptcy had taken everything away from home to cars. That was the extent of our interaction. Even when I turned 18 I was given suitcase and a grave plot (no joke) and told I owed them back for raising me. They took my pay checks and left me $25-$35 to spend.
I was not allowed to learn how to drive because he did not want to be hit by the insurance. I was not allowed to have a reportable income before I was 18 because it would effect his taxes and tax return. Because my sister had cost them so much and wrecked someones car, I had to make up for the loss. That was the implied understanding. When I left my hometown I learned how to drive at age 21.
I have lived with flashbacks of the rape, of suffocation, and of my childhood Near death experience, and ritual abuse. I had gone through much more but the intensity of those events were "exquisite" for lack of a better word. The daily and nightly horror was old hat for me. I didn't know it was a problem till in my 30's. In my 30's the cracks began forming (as if they hadn't already as a kid).
My wife knew there were deep dark issues. She had found me hiding a few times in my 20's in shaking fits.( I had seizures as a teen that were replaced by these in my 20's). I now have what is like a constant right side tremor from my gut to my hands. They get worse at times and I have no idea what the triggers are.
In my 40's, the flashbacks and clouded perception has declined to every few days. And if I am lucky at times its weeks. But I never feel like I am whole or safe. Like my soul has half exited my body and operates from the outside disconnected from the inside most days. I see static daily and it gets worse the closer to flashback hell. Don't know anyway to describe it. There is a ton more.
I have looked online for info. But its either all articles for women, or, men who were soldiers and crash victims. Plus all the articles I have read are from the point of view that they had a normal happy or stable life before their trauma. I have no frame of reference as to what the hell normal is. I have no safe place in my mind other then my wife and girls. And I fear that I have done something wrong to hurt them. I have gone out of my way to shield my kids from my life. But I believe the times I have outburst and lost my mind they have seen a part of me they may resent later.
But the outburst are new in the last 6 years. I have felt the overwhelming urge to quit all music to make up for my broken points. Like a self punishment for thinking that the world even cared to know my problems at all. I feel ashamed for it effecting me. I have felt shame for things I can't explain. When my wife and I have had sex I am afraid I have hurt her, or made her hate me for wanting her. Stupid huh? All I ever hear is women say it. But I never hear a guy say it.
I am feeling like my clock is ticking down on a lifetime of over use and I am about to expire at anytime.
I eat well. I am healthy considering. Type 2 diabetic since last year due to a medicine I was prescribed for tremors. I no longer take anything now except my vitamins. I am on a primal diet lifestyle.
Have to get it together. I have not taken a vacation since 1999. I have buried my mother and brother in life and stepfather and a nephew since then. Lost a house to an illegal foreclosure where the bank tried to collect on a GAP policy for my stepfather and take the property. They got the property and the Insurance busted them. But my family was homeless for 3 months in 2009 because of it. No laws to punish the banks. And the will means nothing. That probably triggered the big attacks again.
Is there anyone who has been through similar? from the same lack of reference of normal.
I will check back later.
I am a 40+ year old male. I am not diagnosed due to distrust of most people. I am outgoing to the outside observer, but ready for the (Shit Hits The Fan) STHF at any and all times.
I am a survivor of abuse along with a sister who survived that lives far off. I was born premature to a mother strung out on prescription nerve drugs she got from several different doctors. She attempted killing me in the crib at 1 year of age as a way to get back at my dad. My 5 year old sister fought her off and saved me. She would try a few more times to kill me by age 13. One time I lost a lot of blood from the head injury. She said a demon did it. The hospital and the authorities didn't give a rip.
I was raped by a neighbor in my grade school years. Was ritually abused several times as a child. I was forced into an adoption by my mother to my step father. If I did not do it, I was told my dad would be jailed for owing 3 months child support. I was 10 and did not see him again till well into my 20's. I was well warned and threatened not to speak because life would be worse if I did. I was quite rejected at school. Alienated very quickly by those who would befriend me. My sister took her rage and issues out on me by aiming the worst of the kids at me. She backed off a bit after the bloodiest incident with our mother.
I tried religion, but found it full of the worst types. Pedophiles and narcissist covering for their real lives. I have loved and composed music since 3 years of age. Took up guitar at 10. Guitar saved my life. Its the only outlet I had at the time. Had to disarm my sister when she was having a LSD flashback. My mother locked us in a room and told us to kill each other and left.
My sister tried to murder my adopted father that day and was committed. My mother returned and turned it all back on us driving her over the edge. Again the authorities did squat.
My school made my parents get me counseling for ADD and stress. Couldn't share because I was scared Of the stories my mother told me being real. My counselor gave me Ritalin. Did not help one bit. I started to smoke at 13 and doing drugs at 15. My friends were my family and my family were my enemy along with the cops and any other authority that looked the other way or took part in my pain. I tried the local occult for an outlet till they sacrificed a girl I barely knew before. But when cops and other local authorities shown their hand in covering it up, I was scared and offended at their presence and left at the age of 20. Never went back except for visits every few or more years to my sister and real father. My mother had calmed down quite a bit during those years due to bad health.
At that point in life, It had never occurred to me that my life was not normal. I thought everyone lived this way behind closed doors. Cops, teachers, doctors, family members, preachers, had all made me think this was all normal and acceptable by all standards by their shelving of all the events in my life. They either didn't want to be bothered by paper work or ultimately everything from the rape to the abandoning us and the attempted killing was all my fault. I owed it to my sweet brave mother to be good, quiet and make her proud. Plus make up for the disappointment my sister had become to my parents for acting out against them.
My head was definitely a little f*cked up huh?
My mother kicked the bucket just into her 50's. I was in my late 20's. I did not shed a tear. I had begun to figure out how clueless I was at that age. I had married at 25, and realized how little I was prepared for the world. I had no idea what was expected of me as a man. My stepfather never took time to show me anything ever. As a teenager I worked with him to do odd jobs for our landlord after a bankruptcy had taken everything away from home to cars. That was the extent of our interaction. Even when I turned 18 I was given suitcase and a grave plot (no joke) and told I owed them back for raising me. They took my pay checks and left me $25-$35 to spend.
I was not allowed to learn how to drive because he did not want to be hit by the insurance. I was not allowed to have a reportable income before I was 18 because it would effect his taxes and tax return. Because my sister had cost them so much and wrecked someones car, I had to make up for the loss. That was the implied understanding. When I left my hometown I learned how to drive at age 21.
I have lived with flashbacks of the rape, of suffocation, and of my childhood Near death experience, and ritual abuse. I had gone through much more but the intensity of those events were "exquisite" for lack of a better word. The daily and nightly horror was old hat for me. I didn't know it was a problem till in my 30's. In my 30's the cracks began forming (as if they hadn't already as a kid).
My wife knew there were deep dark issues. She had found me hiding a few times in my 20's in shaking fits.( I had seizures as a teen that were replaced by these in my 20's). I now have what is like a constant right side tremor from my gut to my hands. They get worse at times and I have no idea what the triggers are.
In my 40's, the flashbacks and clouded perception has declined to every few days. And if I am lucky at times its weeks. But I never feel like I am whole or safe. Like my soul has half exited my body and operates from the outside disconnected from the inside most days. I see static daily and it gets worse the closer to flashback hell. Don't know anyway to describe it. There is a ton more.
I have looked online for info. But its either all articles for women, or, men who were soldiers and crash victims. Plus all the articles I have read are from the point of view that they had a normal happy or stable life before their trauma. I have no frame of reference as to what the hell normal is. I have no safe place in my mind other then my wife and girls. And I fear that I have done something wrong to hurt them. I have gone out of my way to shield my kids from my life. But I believe the times I have outburst and lost my mind they have seen a part of me they may resent later.
But the outburst are new in the last 6 years. I have felt the overwhelming urge to quit all music to make up for my broken points. Like a self punishment for thinking that the world even cared to know my problems at all. I feel ashamed for it effecting me. I have felt shame for things I can't explain. When my wife and I have had sex I am afraid I have hurt her, or made her hate me for wanting her. Stupid huh? All I ever hear is women say it. But I never hear a guy say it.
I am feeling like my clock is ticking down on a lifetime of over use and I am about to expire at anytime.
I eat well. I am healthy considering. Type 2 diabetic since last year due to a medicine I was prescribed for tremors. I no longer take anything now except my vitamins. I am on a primal diet lifestyle.
Have to get it together. I have not taken a vacation since 1999. I have buried my mother and brother in life and stepfather and a nephew since then. Lost a house to an illegal foreclosure where the bank tried to collect on a GAP policy for my stepfather and take the property. They got the property and the Insurance busted them. But my family was homeless for 3 months in 2009 because of it. No laws to punish the banks. And the will means nothing. That probably triggered the big attacks again.
Is there anyone who has been through similar? from the same lack of reference of normal.
I will check back later.
