New Here - Beginning Therapy

[sywen]

Hi all, I was just recently diagnosed with PTSD (along with a cocktail of other assorted awesomeness) but have been suffering symptoms for several years. I'm finally starting therapy and it's such a relief to have my symptoms taken seriously and not just be told it's stress and I "just need to relax". I tried therapy once a few years back and it went really, really badly (she was nucking futs!) so I'm feeling so much more at ease now that I have a therapist I click with. Really looking forward to starting some medications and hopefully finding something that works for me while I work through all this.

I'm at the worst I've ever been the last few weeks. I wake up every morning feeling like I've been physically run over from constant nightmares. The flashbacks and racing thoughts have also become paralyzing, it's made it extremely difficult to take care of myself or my 2 kids.

I was the victim of statutory rape as a teenager (more than once) and birthrape when my son was born. I'm in the process of trying to divorce my son's father right now who played a major role in the birthrape. I can't get away from my biggest trigger (ex) and whenever I have to deal with him, the flashbacks start triggering each other and it's just one big cascade of anxiety and depression.

I don't really have anyone I can talk to about what I'm going through and some of the reactions I've gotten have been, well, less than helpful. My partner prefers to just ignore everything and hope it goes away so we have some major work to do on our relationship once I can get myself more stable.

So here I am, glad to have found some other people who "get it" =)

 

[aatredes]

Hi and welcome,

I'm pretty new here too. My trauma wasn't like yours, but symptoms are a lot alike.

I've gotten negative feedback from people too like "Oh, it's over, you should be grateful that you're alive, blah blah..." etc. etc. So I don't talk to those people anymore. I'm finding a good support system here and I have 2 people who I can talk to and my therapist (who is wonderful, have seen her 4 times now).

We can get together through this....I let mine go on way too long and got "hammered" with the flashbacks, dissociating, etc. also.

Yeah, I "get it".....

Take care....

 

[anthony]

Welcome to the forum.

 

[Vee Lagrome]

Yes, it is great when the symptoms are finally being treated like they are symptoms of something and not you just being dramatic, or looking for attention, or blah blah blah. Yeesh! I think many on this forum know that feeling, and I know I certainly do! I swear, the words, "you're just being dramatic" or "calm down, you're stressing yourself out" are among the worst you could say to someone with PTSD. *rolls eyes*
It's great that you've found a therapist who you click with! It can be so hard to find someone who will really be helpful in the healing process. One of my therapists told me on my 2nd (and last) visit with her that what I was going through was nothing and that one of her patients had actually taken a knife and cut off her hand like it was nothing (gee, thanks, doc, but I'm not crazy). Another one of my therapists told me, "Oh wow, you are probably the worst case I have ever dealt with" (who says that to a patient?!). And yet another told me "Yeah, someone like you basically goes to the hospital and never leaves. You can't function on the streets like everyone else can" (*middle finger*)
Yeah, it's a fun trip that can provide some funny stories for down the line when you're less irritated, but is also very irritating.
But anyway, welcome to the forum. I hope you find some peace and comfort here :)

 

[sywen]

Thanks everyone!

The birth trauma in particular is exceptionally difficult to deal with when talking to other people. I'm one of those natural granoly homebirthing mamas and because my second child was born at home (it was absolutely amazing!), I sometimes get the attitude that I'm not entitled to be upset with my first child's hospital birth. Like the homebirth was supposed to heal everything that went wrong the first time (I never expected it to at all). Even among my mama friends who are familiar with birthrape and what happened to me, it feels like I'm expected to be a crusader for the cause; that I'm a bad person because I'm not writing these long formal complaints to the doctor/hospital that abused me or hiring lawyers left and right. It also doesn't help that as mothers, we're seemingly conditioned to wear our unnessecary phsyical scars as some kind of warped badges. How dare I complain that my body was permanently disfigured against my will, you know?

It's maddeningly lonely. I'm glad though that I found this forum. A place for healing without the medical politics is exactly what I've been needing.

 

[anthony]

IMHO, I don't believe birth rape is an appropriate term for traumatic birth though...

I have read definitions from naturalists and so forth on their reasoning, ie. rape is not about the act, its about power, and the hospital inflict a power over you regardless of your will or thoughts, however; they are not the same, you are not sexually abused, and that is what rape is.

Traumatic birth I believe is a more apt term, especially as there are a lot of people here who have been raped, and let me just say, I doubt they will consider a traumatic birth in hospital equivalent to being raped.

Just my two cents on this term. Please don't think I am dismissing your trauma, as that is not my intent. Your trauma is valid, and traumatic birth is valid... the name associated by a few, I do not agree with when in comparison to someone being raped vs. traumatic birth with naturalists determining the name, birth rape in lieu.

 

[sywen]

Anthony, I very strongly encourage you to do some reading into birthrape. Marsden Wagner's "Born in the USA" is an excellent start and Jennifer Block's "Pushed" also has some excellent insights.

Physiologically, birth is the culmination of female sexuality. To have my body abused for no medical reason and invaded and mutilated in a sexual manner is rape, regardless of whether or not I also happen to be pushing out a baby at the same time. I screamed myself hoarse at the doctor to get his hands out of me, kicked him off once and was then held down and threatened with arrest if I didn't quietly comply with hands being shoved places they didn't need to be. At no time during the birth was my unborn son or I in any medical peril.

And yes, I HAVE been through a rape in your definition of the term. I know exactly what it feels like, and (in my particular experience) it PALES in comparison to my first birth. To label my experience "traumatic birth" implies to me that the doctor that violated my body against my will was justified in doing what he did. I'm not talking about a traumatic medical event like an emergency cesarean. It's not a matter of not having the birth go how I wanted it to, things were done to me that were frowned upon 50 years ago. Doctors don't even believe me when I tell them how I got the scars because they've never heard of such procedures being done in the developed world and can't imagine one of their own practicing so barbarically.

I'm not here to start a controversy, I simply find the word rape to be an accurate description of what I went through. "Trauma" just isn't it.

 

[anthony]

What kind of things where done that were frowned upon 50 years ago, to you during this birth, may I ask?

I have concerns when you make statements that you being raped was nothing in comparison to what a doctor did to you by having their hands within your vagina for delivery. I am also quite curious as to just how much impact the prior actual rape had towards your feelings of such, as to my knowledge, usually the doctor / mid wife must put their hands in to feel for the cord, other aspects... if they even suspect a complication, or merely safety.

Please don't worry about controversy, I am not approaching this in that manner, but more what I feel are legitimate questions.

It is very normal for someone who has endured rape to literally be retraumatised due to any type of vaginal exam, even breast exams can be traumatising for someone who has endured prior sexual assault.

I have read both sides of the fence on this, and if you ask the naturalist side, they will state x, y & z, and some aspects are legitimate to do with the treatment of the patient within the hospital, though often completely leaving out, infant birth deaths have decreased significantly due to modern medical treatments vs. existing home style births, along with infant defects due to birth complications. There are pro's and con's to that age old debate, which I don't believe needs to be covered. We need to focus on the trauma.

My ex-wife went through this with our son, being hospital first time, home birth the second. She ended up with an emergency caesarean due to complications, and she was quite a naturalistic type person prior, ie. she hovered towards organic and natural methods... and with her disguist from that experience, she opted for home birth the second time... though I wouldn't say that went all that well for her and medical intervention was required to get our son breathing.

So I have experienced both worlds myself as the father, being right their...

 

[Vee Lagrome]

I have never heard of "birth rape" before, but after reading about it, reading a few articles against it, I don't see how anyone could see it as anything but a "rape". Certainly, the doctor has no malicious intentions, but in these cases, the autonomy of the woman and the ability for her to choose who will touch her genitals and with what is thrown out the window. I can imagine that it is a terrifying experience.

I won't compare it to sexual assault and rape because I believe comparing traumas is a waste of time, hurtful, and completely meaningless. Perception is what makes an event what it is. Something that is traumatic to someone on this site might just be an annoying inconvenience to someone else on the site. If she feels that "birth rape" is an adequate term to describe how she was traumatized, I believe she should use that term, and anyone who takes offense to that should discuss their feelings openly. I am a survivor of sexual assault, and I don't care to pull out measuring sticks to see which of our experiences is more like "rape" and/or which one was worse.

We are all here to confront the traumatic events that we have survived and learn to cope with them. I understand your concern, Anthony, for others who have survived traumatic sexual events, and the need to be "real" about our trauma without using terms to try to earn sympathy from others. At the same time, I don't believe that we should minimize what another person feels was very traumatic, and I feel that "traumatic birth" sounds more related to the child (cord wrapped around the neck, complications during delivery, etc.) and somehow just doesn't sound as devastating to me, whereas "birth rape" sounds more related to the circumstances or people around the birth (doctors, nurses, witnesses, etc.) and definitely sounds like you were pinned down and had stuff shoved into your bajingo while you screamed for doctors to let go. (Note: I have never given birth, nor have I been anywhere near a mother giving birth, and my only knowledge of birthing comes from The Cosby Show)

I'm very uneducated about this topic, which may be why I am not seeing any controversy in "birth rape" or "traumatic birth", and I'm certainly not a mother, so I don't know how "traumatic" a birth is to begin with. I'm just saying, the two sound like different experiences to uneducated me, but either way, the mother needs some healing.

Before I start making less sense as I ramble along, I sincerely wish you luck, sywen. I don't have anything in my experiences to completely understand what you went through during the birth of your son and how it has impacted you, but I can understand that it was traumatic and sounds traumatic, and that I hope you are using all available resources to confront this experience and to heal.

 

[Nicolette]

As my son was breech prior to being born they tried to turn him internally. Disgusting yes, upsetting yes, rape no, any warning no, did I want to do it no, but the doctors are the ones who are supposedly more qualified than me - a first time mother.

While I agree such an event as you described may be traumatic, I very much doubt that a doctor would risk his entire medical career in front of others by 'raping' you. I'm with Anthony on the definition of 'rape' and have been raped as an adult so can appreciate the meaning of it.

As for your argument, what then is a pap smear when I doctor enters your vagina? I hate them, they make me feel awful but it's not rape.Yes there is a medical reason but I could argue I feel fine so why do I need it. Same could have applied to your situation - you may not have felt there was a medical reason but perhaps the doctors considered otherwise? Have you considered this?

Am I correct in presuming that your second birth tainted your view on your first birth? I wonder if the second had not occurred as it did would you feel differently?

Would you mind explaining:

To have my body abused for no medical reason and invaded and mutilated in a sexual manner is rape

as I think it would only be with this information that I would be able to form a definite view. Currently I would find that very odd. Also, did you ask them to stop or even question what they were doing or is it just based on your second experience?

 

[anthony]

Oh... to remove controversy, I am questioning this primarily based on obtaining all the facts vs. once again, a half a picture that people often post. I don't like assuming, so I am questioning to obtain the facts.

 

[becvan]

I have never heard of the term birthrape before. I looked it up but really there is not a lot of information on it nor any decent examples. Sywen, I hope you can answer our questions. I too would like all the facts. I am also curious about the mutilation aspect. My first son left me with an unusal amount of scars and I'm wondering if our scaring is similar....

bec