New Here, But Sadly Not New To Abuse...

[mortiis31]

Hi Scott. I'm also new here and, although I'm female, I have had similar experiences to you so I can understand where you are coming from to a certain extent. But I think, for some reason, it must be harder for a man so you have my compassion. I have met many men who have had horrid experiences and they all share your feeling of self-loathing just as I do. I hope you find friends and support here because you need that more than anything if I can guess anything about where you're at. From what I can gather, you've come to the right place. Hope to hear more from you.

Blutarg,
harder because I am male? I don't know about that, but read my other post in the sexual/intimacy forum, and you may get a slightly bigger insight into some of the other problems I go through on a daily basis. I do not think that anyone's problems/difficulties are "bigger" or "more important" than anyone else's, because we're all individual and we deal with things in different ways.
Being an author used to help me a lot, I could write about a lot of my problems, but that change two-three years ago when i didn't have anyone to share my thoughts with, so it seemed kind of pointless in doing the writing, if you know what I mean?

Self-loathing for me is something big, it has been for over thirty years for me, and I do not really ever see it changing (or don't want it to, who knows really?). I remember my first suicide attempt at age 7 or 8 tears old, it was tragic, and I've been on a downward spiral ever since really.
Something tells me in the back of my mind that things can get better, but I also doubt it, from what the past has shown me - it seems that as soon as something great happens to me it is immediately followed by something tragic which shatters it all down again.

 

[mortiis31]

Welcome. Sorry to hear about what you've been through. I would like to tell you something though: don't give up on yourself! The people who brought you here, to this point in life, are horrible people. They are, not you!

Take care of you, okay?

Nyx,
I feel I have given up on me, I did that years and years ago but I do not understand why or what keeps me here in this existence really. Perhaps some part of me has not given up? I wish I could find it and tap into it, but it feels hard at times like these when all you can see/feel is darkness and desperation and when there simply is no help available to you.

 

[cherryblossom]

Scott - I agree that if you don't feel you are moving forward in therapy - then quit.
But - don't give up on the idea of therapy, perhaps you just need to find a new therapist. Thing can get better, and continue to get better. And you don't even need a therapist to make those changes (but it might help). I've said it before and I'll say it again - I don't think any of us are so broken that we are beyond repair. Yep, bits might keep breaking, and might need re-fixing. Other bits may never be 100%, but with a bit of TLC, can function. Always keep fighting, and keep living. We don't know what might be round the corner ;)

 

[mortiis31]

Scott - I agree that if you don't feel you are moving forward in therapy - then quit.
But - don't give up on the idea of therapy, perhaps you just need to find a new therapist. Thing can get better, and continue to get better. And you don't even need a therapist to make those changes (but it might help). I've said it before and I'll say it again - I don't think any of us are so broken that we are beyond repair. Yep, bits might keep breaking, and might need re-fixing. Other bits may never be 100%, but with a bit of TLC, can function. Always keep fighting, and keep living. We don't know what might be round the corner ;)

Cherry,

my therapist actually told me a few weeks ago when I saw her that she believes me to be "cursed in such a way that I am permanently damaged and beyond any kind of repair". (that's an official quote).
She went on to say that she doesn't believe that therapy is what I need, because I reject certain types of therapy if I cannot see a way through it. With CBT (cognitive behavioral Therapy) I completely shit on it, claiming that the whole "if you think you're problems are going to go away then they will go away" was a load of old bollocks. Seriously, that kind of mindfulness rubbish does not work with me, I'm too black & white (and it's probably also why I am not religious - If I can't see it, it isn't there!).

I'm out of therapists in this town, there's only a selective few - and I've been through them all now, none left ;-)

 

[cherryblossom]

Cherry,

my therapist actually told me a few weeks ago when I saw her that she believes me to be "cursed in such a way that I am permanently damaged and beyond any kind of repair". (that's an official quote).

OMG - I can't believe a therapist would say that to anyone! That is so not true. I know that I don't know you, but I truely believe that no-one is beyond repair! I would run from that therapist and never look back!

She went on to say that she doesn't believe that therapy is what I need, because I reject certain types of therapy if I cannot see a way through it. With CBT (cognitive behavioral Therapy) I completely shit on it, claiming that the whole "if you think you're problems are going to go away then they will go away" was a load of old bollocks. Seriously, that kind of mindfulness rubbish does not work with me, I'm too black & white (and it's probably also why I am not religious - If I can't see it, it isn't there!).

CBT isn't about thinking your problems away. And I do understand your black and white thinking. It is possible to change the way you feel, or to change the way you react to things - but finding someone (maybe a therapist, but could just be friend) who relates to you and your way of thinking is key. I've been through too many therapists, psychologists, counsellors, and psychiatrists. I never 'took' to any of them. But now I have a therapist who just "get's it". I never thought it was possible! She doesn't give me long words or complex analogies - she just listens and asks questions, and talks to me on my level. I'm not stupid - I can understand all the psychological blurb - but I just don't buy into it. What I do get, however, is good, honest, plain speaking. And yeah, maybe some of it's CBT type stuff, but it's not dressed up that way.

I'm out of therapists in this town, there's only a selective few - and I've been through them all now, none left ;-)

Hmmm - that might not be good - but maybe we can help instead ;)

 

[Blutarg]

I

Blutarg,
harder because I am male? I don't know about that, but read my other post in the sexual/intimacy forum, and you may get a slightly bigger insight into some of the other problems I go through on a daily basis. I do not think that anyone's problems/difficulties are "bigger" or "more important" than anyone else's, because we're all individual and we deal with things in different ways.
Being an author used to help me a lot, I could write about a lot of my problems, but that change two-three years ago when i didn't have anyone to share my thoughts with, so it seemed kind of pointless in doing the writing, if you know what I mean?

Self-loathing for me is something big, it has been for over thirty years for me, and I do not really ever see it changing (or don't want it to, who knows really?). I remember my first suicide attempt at age 7 or 8 tears old, it was tragic, and I've been on a downward spiral ever since really.
Something tells me in the back of my mind that things can get better, but I also doubt it, from what the past has shown me - it seems that as soon as something great happens to me it is immediately followed by something tragic which shatters it all down again.

I do agree, we are all individual and we all suffer in our individual ways.

Do you mind if I ask what you wrote? I am interested. (You can message me privately if you wish to.) I was suicidal when I was 19 but managed to come right(ish) until a year ago when things got out of hand again. But I'm still here so that's a good thing I guess. I also agree with your saying that in the recesses of our minds we have the thought that things should actually get better but then - why don't they?? But, because we have this inherent survival instinct we keep trying for the better life :)

I wish I could say you should like yourself but that would sound flippant - just know that you are a special human and you mean something special to others around you and that includes the people here. It's a long road but we are all travelling it. :affection:

 

[mortiis31]

I


I do agree, we are all individual and we all suffer in our individual ways.

Do you mind if I ask what you wrote? I am interested. (You can message me privately if you wish to.) I was suicidal when I was 19 but managed to come right(ish) until a year ago when things got out of hand again. But I'm still here so that's a good thing I guess. I also agree with your saying that in the recesses of our minds we have the thought that things should actually get better but then - why don't they?? But, because we have this inherent survival instinct we keep trying for the better life :)

I wish I could say you should like yourself but that would sound flippant - just know that you are a special human and you mean something special to others around you and that includes the people here. It's a long road but we are all travelling it. :affection:

Blutarg,
Well, I am an author of fiction mainly, but a few years ago I started to write my first non-fiction peice, it was to be my autobiography/memoirs, but I had a really terrifying breakdown and flashback period during the abuse part of the writing, so I stopped and never really went back to it. You are welcome to read what is written within that piece, yet I do warm you that it's extremely graphic and explicit in nature. If you send me a PM with your email I could forward a copy on to you. (bare in mind it is unfinished, never will be finished and is most likely full of mistakes!).

Scott
x

 

[Darkness Shines]

Self-loathing for me is something big, it has been for over thirty years for me, and I do not really ever see it changing (or don't want it to, who knows really?).

I don't know that I want to get over the self-hatred either. Everyone keeps telling me I should, but I am not convinced. Making any attempt at having self-esteem just triggers me out worse anyway.

my therapist actually told me a few weeks ago when I saw her that she believes me to be "cursed in such a way that I am permanently damaged and beyond any kind of repair". (that's an official quote).

Oh, that's nice. :rolleyes:

With CBT (cognitive behavioral Therapy) I completely shit on it, claiming that the whole "if you think you're problems are going to go away then they will go away" was a load of old bollocks. Seriously, that kind of mindfulness rubbish does not work with me, I'm too black & white

Yeah, I hate CBT too, though I was trying to do it from books rather than with a therapist, so I just threw the books into the Thames, lol. Trying to think my way out of these feelings is like trying to stop a speeding truck with a piece of paper ribbon. The ribbon breaks and the truck never even notices it was there. I'm very black & white too.

 

[cherryblossom]

I just want to say that anyone who is here, sharing aspects of their life that have caused so much hurt and suffering is AMAZING. None of us give ourselves enough credit for "just" being here and sharing. I think sexual abuse damages us, and the wounds are deep. Generally, we have low self-esteem and low self-worth. Yet we are here, discussing these issues. Please be proud of yourselves for even being here. I know it's a hard journey, but everyone of you is worth a million of those individuals that hurt us.

 

[mortiis31]

I don't know that I want to get over the self-hatred either. Everyone keeps telling me I should, but I am not convinced. Making any attempt at having self-esteem just triggers me out worse anyway.


Oh, that's nice. :rolleyes:


Yeah, I hate CBT too, though I was trying to do it from books rather than with a therapist, so I just threw the books into the Thames, lol. Trying to think my way out of these feelings is like trying to stop a speeding truck with a piece of paper ribbon. The ribbon breaks and the truck never even notices it was there. I'm very black & white too.

Darkness,
seems we have a LOT in common, my friend. I think the same as you on CBT.
Someone close to me has recommended that DBT worked for her abuse issues and could possibly be beneficial to me, although I am not "entitled" to be involved in DBT because I do not have a relevant illness here in this shite hole town!

 

[Darkness Shines]

I just want to say that anyone who is here, sharing aspects of their life that have caused so much hurt and suffering is AMAZING. None of us give ourselves enough credit for "just" being here and sharing. I think sexual abuse damages us, and the wounds are deep. Generally, we have low self-esteem and low self-worth. Yet we are here, discussing these issues. Please be proud of yourselves for even being here. I know it's a hard journey, but everyone of you is worth a million of those individuals that hurt us.

Totally agree. You're all very brave to be here talking. As far as I'm concerned all abusers are worth the price of a few bullets and some bleach to clean up the mess. Who, me, rage issues? *looks innocent*

Darkness,
seems we have a LOT in common, my friend. I think the same as you on CBT.
Someone close to me has recommended that DBT worked for her abuse issues and could possibly be beneficial to me, although I am not "entitled" to be involved in DBT because I do not have a relevant illness here in this shite hole town!

Yes, it does seem like we have a lot in common. If that doesn't scare you it should. :D

I've heard about DBT too, but it sounded too similar to CBT to me. You could always get a book on it and try it on your own since all the services in your area are rubbish and won't help you. My husband is PTSD too and has had a lot of success implementing therapy techniques from books on his own.

 

[Hlost]

Lost my original post so suffice it to say I have been in your shoes and I say fire her!

Go to the next town if you must to get the right therapist or put it on hold for now, just know she was completely and utterly unprofessional in her statement and I might even thing about making a formal complaint. It was out of line!

I can relate to what to you have you expressed and a lot of it I have come to peace terms with. Not with CBT, it is not what has been useful for me in my tougher times but I'm sure has it's place, I do believe is a higher power but my harder work on my self has been through me and my therapy, no bandaids with plenty more gushers to go.

I'm so glad you are here and I hope to you find friends as well. :)

Hlost