Hi Everyone. I'm new here to posting, but have been reading a lot for the past year or so on this forum and have found it to be very helpful and a place where I can relate in so many aspects. I felt like it was time for me to introduce my story and begin to share as I'm at a bit of a crossroads and I don't want to get thrown off track.
I've never been officially diagnosed with PTSD, but struggle in a variety of ways that lead me to relate and connect on a deeper level than I ever imagined when first visiting this site.
Sexual abuse is something I know is a part of my story. There are huge pockets of my memory that are not filled in, and I have never had an actual memory/flashback of the abuse so struggle with pointing fingers for WHO it was, but my behaviors throughout life are indicative of sexual abuse and my counselors at different stages of my life have attempted to bring this to my awareness but I am only recently accepting of this as part of my story in that I have been able to say it out loud for the first time that this is my truth in the past year. It's still a process and something that I keep very private -- few people have been privy to this information and I am still very uncomfortable with the entire thing, but I am in the stage of moving forward with it rather than living in the cycle of physical stress and thoughts in my head.
From my first decision to engage in sexual behavior at the young age of 12, I engaged in many one night stands, very unhealthy relationships, not being able to connect intimately, feeling like it was my duty to "give myself" to a man because it was expected, leaving the situation crying, feeling deep shame, guilt, hatred towards myself, embarrassment, anger towards the guy, etc and I repeated this cycle over and over again until I was 24 years old. When I was 24, I decided to begin a relationship with one of my closest friends at the time and we had an extremely healthy, wonderful relationship. I felt incredibly lucky to have a boyfriend who genuinely cared about me, who I felt comfortable and safe with, who respected me, was a true gentleman and someone I was able to have fun with and be actual friends with -- it was a whirlwind of difference for me and everyone in my life was pleasantly surprised with my choice. We were together for 5 years and had planned on marriage, children, the whole thing. But when it came to that point in our life where marriage was the very next step, we knew it wasn't our path together. See, while this relationship between us was amazing and incredibly healthy, it was absolutely simply a beautiful friendship -- nothing more and nothing less. We hadn't engaged in any (ZERO) sexual intimacy for 3 years. I kept promising him that would change and that I was just struggling with my history of sexual abuse and he remained patient, understanding and never pressured me. While I believe he loved me as a person very much and had a great deal of respect for me, I think I was also his safe person... we were settling for each other because we were safe and comfortable for each other. So last year, I decided that wasn't fair for either of us and we amicably parted ways.
This year has been very eye-opening and transformational for me. After my break up, I briefly went back to my previous behaviors -- having sex with a guy in my life who was risky for me and who I always leave feeling ashamed and the whole situation really just blew up in my face. I knew in that instant that I needed to change something in my life and I took the bull by the horns and have for that past 16 months been doing some really deep soul-searching, intensive therapy and really facing things head on for the first time. I chose not to engage in any sexual behavior as I knew I was not ready for anything that could be meaningful or helpful for me and my struggles, so why do it at all? I chose this for myself and couldn't be happier with my decision as I decided that the next time I made that decision, I really wanted it to be about me WANTING to be close and intimate with someone rather than feeling like I HAVE to or that it's just expected so I might as well just give him what he wants. I recognized that drinking was a factor in leading me to engage in this behavior a little more freely, so I also chose to stop drinking (not a huge deal as I was never a big drinker in the first place). It's been a great year of healing and learning for me -- I feel strong, healthy, happy, ready to make big shifts in my life and I feel like I'm on the path of being less critical and more self-loving. It's still a struggle, it's definitely not all sunshine, but for the first time, I see that light and that's what I try to focus on during the tough, dark times. I stay in my depression for much shorter times than previously, I reach out for support vs. keeping it all to myself and I see a lot of positivity in my future.
Well, in a weird way, a couple of weeks ago, I kind of mixed the two parts of me together -- engaging in sexual behavior out of feeling like it was expected of me, but also because I WANTED to. I had an evening where I decided to have a couple of drinks for the first time in 16 months, so my guard was down, I wasn't in that place of needing to have complete control and I was in a good head space, having a great night out with friends. I felt connected to this one guy that night -- a long time family friend that I've had attraction to at various times in my life and have always had a deep respect for and strong friendship with... I just never pursued it for whatever reason. This particular night out, we were drawn to each other and he kissed me, which I was very accepting of and comfortable with. There was a decent period of time of contemplation between sharing our kiss and deciding to go further that evening. He didn't pressure me at all, but in my own way, I did feel like I "owed" him something and so my decision to go further was not for myself -- engaging in my previous unhealthy behavior. But during and afterwards, I didn't feel ashamed, I didn't cry, I didn't run, I felt safe, I felt comfortable and he was very respectful and sweet. This is very new for me and it took me by complete surprise -- so much so that I'm in this place of not wanting to over-think it and make it into something that it's not, but not wanting to ignore it either because it is such a strong difference in how I felt and how I responded to the entire thing. I feel like that it could be that I'm just simply in a better place in my healing process so am successfully engaging in healthy sexual behavior, but I can't help but also feel like he could just be a really special person in my life. It troubles me that I STILL made the decision for him, rather than me, but I am also accepting of my decision because of how it turned out afterward with me feeling so different than all of my previous experiences.
He is a close friend of my brother and so I see him multiple times per week in a group setting and we are not engaging in romantic relationship-like behavior because that's just not where we are at this time for a variety of reasons. We have been able to remain our normal selves (rather than my previous typical where I keep my eyes to the ground and avoid at all costs) which speaks volumes about me, but also speaks volumes about the strength of our relationship. It's difficult for me to keep things separate because I am admitting out loud that I am interested in seeing how it could play out for us, but I cannot be the one who puts myself out there as boldly as that in this moment. So I am all for just letting whatever happens, to happen. Since our first time a couple of weeks ago, we've have a handful of other encounters just him and I, each time uncovering a bit of where I'm at in the process. I've decided that drinking is not going to enter back into my life because I want to see what happens without it because I shouldn't need a drink to relax if this relationship is real. But I want to share that during our last encounter this past week, he called me out on something I wasn't in tune with. He asked me if I was okay during and I said yes, because I felt like I was. But he said I felt disconnected and he felt like I was putting on an act of some kind to just get through it.
This shocked me and caused a bit of an issue. I obviously am not ready to share anything super deep about my sexual abuse history with him -- as close of friends as we are and have always been, this is something I haven't shared with but 2 people in my life and not even knowing what the two of us are doing, it's certainly not something I'm willing to share with him so soon not knowing that this is even going to turn into anything beyond what it currently is. Him saying this to me -- I just sort of shut down because it was too much -- like he could read something in me before even I was aware of it and he called me out on something that was probably true, but that I had felt very differently about. Was I really disconnected? Probably. But how can I feel so differently with him, yet still be disconnected? Clearly I'm still in the middle of this long process and who knows how long it will take in my healing process to be able to fully engage and be entirely connected without having my thoughts take over at different times, etc, etc. I don't know. But I'm angry with myself for feeling like I was connected and being in the moment, but then learning otherwise from him being able to point it out to me. I'm withdrawn, unable to be truly intimate and unguarded even when I feel like I'm incredibly exposed and vulnerable with him. And so now, I've withdrawn from him. I saw him last night and we had a moment alone where we could have connected and I just went in for the hug and kept my eyes from seeing his rather than engaging and doing what I really WANTED to do which was to look at him and be natural. My defenses are just working against me and on one hand it scares me that he sees me, it makes my heart skip a beat because he sees me and I really don't want to screw this up by doing what I do best -- running and being immature about it. I just want to be normal and allow whatever will organically happen, to happen. But he's in my head now and I don't feel like I can be natural because my thoughts are just on cycle mode of feeling exposed and having to share this piece of me that I'm not ready to share just so he can make sense of my behavior and not think I'm weird or crazy or something. I know it's so irrational, but these are the true thoughts that I am having and I need to share them so they are real for me.
I suppose I'm just sharing my thoughts -- putting it out there, wondering if others experience similar things -- I guess maybe I'm looking to relate to someone. I don't want to screw this up, but I recognize that I cannot control that in either way it goes -- I wish my thoughts would just stop so I could just be, rather than having all of this cycle through my mind. I do practice meditation but when I'm in the thick of it, it has a strong, strong hold on me and I can't seem to get a handle on it until I release it into the world.
Thanks for listening
I've never been officially diagnosed with PTSD, but struggle in a variety of ways that lead me to relate and connect on a deeper level than I ever imagined when first visiting this site.
Sexual abuse is something I know is a part of my story. There are huge pockets of my memory that are not filled in, and I have never had an actual memory/flashback of the abuse so struggle with pointing fingers for WHO it was, but my behaviors throughout life are indicative of sexual abuse and my counselors at different stages of my life have attempted to bring this to my awareness but I am only recently accepting of this as part of my story in that I have been able to say it out loud for the first time that this is my truth in the past year. It's still a process and something that I keep very private -- few people have been privy to this information and I am still very uncomfortable with the entire thing, but I am in the stage of moving forward with it rather than living in the cycle of physical stress and thoughts in my head.
From my first decision to engage in sexual behavior at the young age of 12, I engaged in many one night stands, very unhealthy relationships, not being able to connect intimately, feeling like it was my duty to "give myself" to a man because it was expected, leaving the situation crying, feeling deep shame, guilt, hatred towards myself, embarrassment, anger towards the guy, etc and I repeated this cycle over and over again until I was 24 years old. When I was 24, I decided to begin a relationship with one of my closest friends at the time and we had an extremely healthy, wonderful relationship. I felt incredibly lucky to have a boyfriend who genuinely cared about me, who I felt comfortable and safe with, who respected me, was a true gentleman and someone I was able to have fun with and be actual friends with -- it was a whirlwind of difference for me and everyone in my life was pleasantly surprised with my choice. We were together for 5 years and had planned on marriage, children, the whole thing. But when it came to that point in our life where marriage was the very next step, we knew it wasn't our path together. See, while this relationship between us was amazing and incredibly healthy, it was absolutely simply a beautiful friendship -- nothing more and nothing less. We hadn't engaged in any (ZERO) sexual intimacy for 3 years. I kept promising him that would change and that I was just struggling with my history of sexual abuse and he remained patient, understanding and never pressured me. While I believe he loved me as a person very much and had a great deal of respect for me, I think I was also his safe person... we were settling for each other because we were safe and comfortable for each other. So last year, I decided that wasn't fair for either of us and we amicably parted ways.
This year has been very eye-opening and transformational for me. After my break up, I briefly went back to my previous behaviors -- having sex with a guy in my life who was risky for me and who I always leave feeling ashamed and the whole situation really just blew up in my face. I knew in that instant that I needed to change something in my life and I took the bull by the horns and have for that past 16 months been doing some really deep soul-searching, intensive therapy and really facing things head on for the first time. I chose not to engage in any sexual behavior as I knew I was not ready for anything that could be meaningful or helpful for me and my struggles, so why do it at all? I chose this for myself and couldn't be happier with my decision as I decided that the next time I made that decision, I really wanted it to be about me WANTING to be close and intimate with someone rather than feeling like I HAVE to or that it's just expected so I might as well just give him what he wants. I recognized that drinking was a factor in leading me to engage in this behavior a little more freely, so I also chose to stop drinking (not a huge deal as I was never a big drinker in the first place). It's been a great year of healing and learning for me -- I feel strong, healthy, happy, ready to make big shifts in my life and I feel like I'm on the path of being less critical and more self-loving. It's still a struggle, it's definitely not all sunshine, but for the first time, I see that light and that's what I try to focus on during the tough, dark times. I stay in my depression for much shorter times than previously, I reach out for support vs. keeping it all to myself and I see a lot of positivity in my future.
Well, in a weird way, a couple of weeks ago, I kind of mixed the two parts of me together -- engaging in sexual behavior out of feeling like it was expected of me, but also because I WANTED to. I had an evening where I decided to have a couple of drinks for the first time in 16 months, so my guard was down, I wasn't in that place of needing to have complete control and I was in a good head space, having a great night out with friends. I felt connected to this one guy that night -- a long time family friend that I've had attraction to at various times in my life and have always had a deep respect for and strong friendship with... I just never pursued it for whatever reason. This particular night out, we were drawn to each other and he kissed me, which I was very accepting of and comfortable with. There was a decent period of time of contemplation between sharing our kiss and deciding to go further that evening. He didn't pressure me at all, but in my own way, I did feel like I "owed" him something and so my decision to go further was not for myself -- engaging in my previous unhealthy behavior. But during and afterwards, I didn't feel ashamed, I didn't cry, I didn't run, I felt safe, I felt comfortable and he was very respectful and sweet. This is very new for me and it took me by complete surprise -- so much so that I'm in this place of not wanting to over-think it and make it into something that it's not, but not wanting to ignore it either because it is such a strong difference in how I felt and how I responded to the entire thing. I feel like that it could be that I'm just simply in a better place in my healing process so am successfully engaging in healthy sexual behavior, but I can't help but also feel like he could just be a really special person in my life. It troubles me that I STILL made the decision for him, rather than me, but I am also accepting of my decision because of how it turned out afterward with me feeling so different than all of my previous experiences.
He is a close friend of my brother and so I see him multiple times per week in a group setting and we are not engaging in romantic relationship-like behavior because that's just not where we are at this time for a variety of reasons. We have been able to remain our normal selves (rather than my previous typical where I keep my eyes to the ground and avoid at all costs) which speaks volumes about me, but also speaks volumes about the strength of our relationship. It's difficult for me to keep things separate because I am admitting out loud that I am interested in seeing how it could play out for us, but I cannot be the one who puts myself out there as boldly as that in this moment. So I am all for just letting whatever happens, to happen. Since our first time a couple of weeks ago, we've have a handful of other encounters just him and I, each time uncovering a bit of where I'm at in the process. I've decided that drinking is not going to enter back into my life because I want to see what happens without it because I shouldn't need a drink to relax if this relationship is real. But I want to share that during our last encounter this past week, he called me out on something I wasn't in tune with. He asked me if I was okay during and I said yes, because I felt like I was. But he said I felt disconnected and he felt like I was putting on an act of some kind to just get through it.
This shocked me and caused a bit of an issue. I obviously am not ready to share anything super deep about my sexual abuse history with him -- as close of friends as we are and have always been, this is something I haven't shared with but 2 people in my life and not even knowing what the two of us are doing, it's certainly not something I'm willing to share with him so soon not knowing that this is even going to turn into anything beyond what it currently is. Him saying this to me -- I just sort of shut down because it was too much -- like he could read something in me before even I was aware of it and he called me out on something that was probably true, but that I had felt very differently about. Was I really disconnected? Probably. But how can I feel so differently with him, yet still be disconnected? Clearly I'm still in the middle of this long process and who knows how long it will take in my healing process to be able to fully engage and be entirely connected without having my thoughts take over at different times, etc, etc. I don't know. But I'm angry with myself for feeling like I was connected and being in the moment, but then learning otherwise from him being able to point it out to me. I'm withdrawn, unable to be truly intimate and unguarded even when I feel like I'm incredibly exposed and vulnerable with him. And so now, I've withdrawn from him. I saw him last night and we had a moment alone where we could have connected and I just went in for the hug and kept my eyes from seeing his rather than engaging and doing what I really WANTED to do which was to look at him and be natural. My defenses are just working against me and on one hand it scares me that he sees me, it makes my heart skip a beat because he sees me and I really don't want to screw this up by doing what I do best -- running and being immature about it. I just want to be normal and allow whatever will organically happen, to happen. But he's in my head now and I don't feel like I can be natural because my thoughts are just on cycle mode of feeling exposed and having to share this piece of me that I'm not ready to share just so he can make sense of my behavior and not think I'm weird or crazy or something. I know it's so irrational, but these are the true thoughts that I am having and I need to share them so they are real for me.
I suppose I'm just sharing my thoughts -- putting it out there, wondering if others experience similar things -- I guess maybe I'm looking to relate to someone. I don't want to screw this up, but I recognize that I cannot control that in either way it goes -- I wish my thoughts would just stop so I could just be, rather than having all of this cycle through my mind. I do practice meditation but when I'm in the thick of it, it has a strong, strong hold on me and I can't seem to get a handle on it until I release it into the world.
Thanks for listening
