Relationship New Here, Hi! Partner Gets Very Angry

[Yourghost]

Welcome to the forum, Yourghost.

Firstly, I am glad that you are getting the support that you need through a therapist. I truly believe that we all need that, as supporters. It becomes even more important to place an emphasis on our own self-care however, if we have issues of our own.

Sorry to only be responding to this now.

He has never had any form of treatment whatsoever, and his trauma was over 20 years ago. I think, during the 1980s when it occurred, it just wasn't as commonplace as it is today and so was never suggested to him, and also he comes from a family with 5 brothers who are very much 'men', you know, I think even without the ptsd he would be quite an emotionally closed-off person. He likes (needs) to believe he is coping, "like a man". He really does think he has devised methods of dealing with it that work for him (isolating, self medicating, engaging in an activity obsessively). I can see very clearly it doesn't work, but he thinks it does. Of course, this whole 'man up' thing is ridiculous, and certainly not something that makes him tough (quite the reverse), but it's very difficult to penetrate that mindset.

My own therapist has been very insistent that he needs some kind of therapy, and urgently so (he doesn't know I am back in therapy, actually nobody does and that's not for any real reason except it's something I'm doing for myself and don't need any input right now). She asked me what it is I find so hard about bringing up the subject with him. I think it's because he needs it so badly that I'm terrified of saying something the wrong way, hurting his pride... it's hard to explain, he can put on such a front with me because he thinks he should be the strong one, my 'interference' in the past (mainly with regard to his drinking) has led to him closing off even more because it has made him feel ashamed and weak, like purely down to gender it should be HIM taking care of ME, and this has reinforced to him that he is unable to do that and forced him further into himself. So, to me, any mention of him seeking therapy has to be done so, so carefully. Because if it forces him to retreat it will be very difficult to bring it up again at a later point. I think that's it. I am just afraid of messing up and missing the window.

So, my therapist suggested I could work my way up to it. It was good advice, and something I've been following (taking every opportunity to bring up just the general subject of therapy, briefly mention my own positive experiences with it, etc). Eventually, recently, I took the dive and asked him if it was something he'd ever thought of doing for himself. He stated (it was a very short conversation!) that he hadn't and he didn't think it would help him. BUT, I could sense he was curious. And it didn't feel a complete brick wall. My therapist (who actually specialises in trauma and is experienced with EMRD) said it can sometimes take an almighty low to get sufferers to seek help, and that at least if he is armed with the knowledge that help is out there, he may choose that path himself when he's ready. So, to answer your question (very long-windedly, sorry!), I don't know if he would. But I'm hopeful he might. Unfortunately, money is also a factor for him/us and (good) therapy is expensive. Mine is free through work.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

Sounds very familiar. Hug.

 

[Vel]

Wow. I started counseling for PTSD in the spring. Since then I've been looking at the experiences that have led me to where I am now. Your post really struck a cord with me. My ex was an abuser. It's taken a long time for me to understand that he had even more issues than I do now. He also chose not to seek help. He jumped hoops when it was needed and accepted prescriptions he never really gave a chance because he felt he didn't need them. As far as I know I am the 3rd girlfriend he abused, and the second to end up on medication.

Looking back now I know he had a lot of trust issues. I think that watching his parents in domestic violence and finding that his mother hung herself when he was 16 destroyed his ability to trust women, or even people in general. He spent over a decade and a half finding ways to justify abusing women. I hate that there's a very good possibility he has moved on to new victims.

Living in denial is a horrible thing, I know. Yes, needing help is scary and can have a big impact on self confidence. Being helped, in some way, is so relieving. Sadly, even if he landed in anger management, I think he's spend the whole thing protesting his need to be there. The truth is people can find a lot of ways of avoiding dealing with the problem. It's amazing how much time and energy (and money) you can save by finding ways to face it with therapy, and or medication, knowledge and communication. I'm learning new things reading these posts because most of the other resources I can find are directed at combat related PTSD traumas.

Some of the things you said I've heard in domestic violence groups. That constant push and pull and demands emotionally... I think some of these other folks are right. You have to decide what you want to live with. To a certain extent you have to figure out how much you can do. Can you live with what you have now or is it time to suggest therapy, offer friendship, and bow out? Do you have the stability and time and energy to help? I reached a point where I realized I could never help my ex. Any way I wish you the best of luck.