Supporter New Here! I Think My Husband Has Ptsd

[Nicole75]

My husband and I have been separated for 9 months now. Our story is that we met 12 years ago and I really believe he is my sole mate.

Sadly we had a very rocky road. We had 3 children in 3 years and after our second daughter was born my husband was driving to work one morning (in the dark) and ran over in his 4x4 two brothers who were wrestling on the road.

He didn't even see them. They were both instantly killed. He got out of the car to see what the noise was to find the very mutilated bodies. The police described it as one of the worst road accidents they had seen in over 10 years. When he phoned me amid all the sirens, he said "I will never get over this, I have killed 2 people".

When we came home, his father came over to see him. He said "well if the police think that's bad, they mustn't have seen much!" right then my husband thought that he had to toughen up and be strong. He couldn't let his dad see him not cope.

In the weeks after that the drinking and the anger began. His stress levels were high. We went on to have another child (third). The next year, our second daughter was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 3. Her treatment was successful and she is now healthy.

My husbands answer was to drink more and not allow me to talk about it. Then the physical abuse started. I have had physical and verbal abuse for years since then. We also had our own business which was very stressful. I remember him through all of this having bouts of anger and then depression where he couldn't get out of bed or off the couch. He pushed me away so much but wanted me to save him. I didn't know how.

Two years ago the children and I moved out for 6 months. It didn't seem to phase him much. We moved back in. He did an alternatives to aggressions course which didn't seem to do much. I did a womens course called when love hurts. They told me he was highly abusive which I agree to but now I am wondering if this is because he has PTSD from the car accident?

He never yelled or abused me before that? Can anyone give me any advice please? I still love him dearly and I know he loves me, can/should we save our family before it is too late?

 

[Shellbell]

Hi Nicole,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum :)

I am really sorry you and your husband and family have been through this terrible accidental car tragedy and the immense stress of your daughter having cancer. Such a massive amount of stress to cope with for you all. These are indeed life changing traumas.

No-one here can say whether your husband has PTSD, he would need to seek an assessment by a mental health professional for that. Is he open to therapy?

I am so sorry you have been physically and verbally abused and as you know you must protect yourself and your children. PTSD, or any mental health illness or problem is not an excuse for, or ever justifies abuse. But I really do understand you love your husband and want to help him.

There is a supporters section on here with many wonderful supporters all going through the many varied and difficult issues involved in supporting someone with PTSD. It is not easy on supporters at all.

I really hope you can heal individually and together as a family.

Sending you a hug if you don't mind :hug:

Shellbell

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi and welcome to the forum. Go to the supporters section where you will meet people who have walked in your shoes and will understand and support you. I am sorry for what you have endured and suffered with your husband but i agree with Shellbell that ptsd is no excuse for abuse of any kind. It is nice to meet you.

 

[KP the nut]

Nicole, I am so sorry for what your family is experiencing.

As Shellbell has said we can't say he has or he hasn't. IMHO he does need help. Unfortunately that decision must come from him. If possible he needs to see a professional, trained in trauma therapy. Then hopefully a plan of treatment can begin.

It may also be advisable for you to see someone as well, even just to talk.

Stop by the supporters section here as well. I'm sure you will be able to relate to their experiences. I'm pleased you found us, this is a good place for information, support and friendship.

(((HUGS))) if you accept them.

 

[Pinkcake]

I agree with the above, even though I'm super new.

I separated from my husband at the beginning of October. Two big things my therapist stresses to me are:

1. Its not the cause of the behavior that is the problem, its the behavior itself.

2. If someone cannot love themselves, they definitely cannot love you.

One thing I would stress to you is that you get counseling TOO. I am co-dependent which stems from growing up with an alcoholic father (who got sober and I had a great relationship for the past 14 years before he died). Your post seems like you have a need to "save" him or be there so he won't hurt himself or embarrass you. I would hope you are attending Al-anon classes or therapy. If not, give them a try.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Nicole,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

No one here can say whether or not your husband has PTSD as only a licensed medical health professional can provide that diagnosis. But it is important that you take are of yourself and your children.

PTSD is never an excuse for abuse and that is something you do not have to live with. If and when he gets help, you can work together. But until that time, focus on you.

Wishing you the best.

Debbie