Hi everyone!
I am pretty new to this forum and wanted to say "hi." I am 49 y.o. male. My PTSD goes back to my childhood. I was really in denial for a while until my late 20s, when all of the sudden I stopped hiding behind super-achieving and desperately started seeking help. I have worked so hard at recovery since then. Many years of individual therapy, group therapy, EMDR, and Al-Anon (my mom is alcoholic). Also since my symptoms are extremely somatic/physical, I have done tons of body recovery work too -- chiropractic, Rolfing, Alexander technique, Feldenkrais, Tai Chi, acupuncture, pelvic floor therapy, cranio-sacral, yoga, mindful body scans, and guided meditation. Along the way I also went pretty deeply into the male survivor community, which really illuminated some of my deepest attitudes about intimacy, love, and power/abuse.
I kind of think of my situation like being the child of Holocaust survivors. My mother is an incest survivor. My dad lost his mother to suicide when he was 2, and then his oldest sister and oldest brother also committed suicide separately a few years later. I grew up with some inexpressible sense of things being bad, even though we were the "perfect family" until my own mother attempted suicide when I was 27, just a few months after I had stopped hiding and started seeking my own recovery.
So, I have been working my recovery pretty hard for 20 years, and I have sacrificed a lot over that time. Especially career. When I "woke up" at 27 my life's work (Ivy League PhD) suddenly felt toxic, and my career is still pretty jumbled even now. I have been unemployed for 18 months now, and for 5 of the past 15 years. I have also been mostly single all that time. It wasn't until I was in my 40s that I started to get a handle on sex does not equal abuse (with me as the victim).
During all the years of my recovery, I have been very dedicated to spiritual practice, but that's been very rough at times. After 4 years in one church, I lost my faith and many friends with it. Eventually I found a new church/religion where I planted myself for 12 years. That was awesome for a while but unfortunately that ended very badly 3 years ago. I ended up feeling exiled, and what's worse, the collapse of my community there seemed very intertwined with my efforts to relate more openly as recovering PTSD / male survivor.
Last year was the worst. I have been in far more pain but never so hopeless. Having tried so hard, and still lost my dearest community and then my job/career, left me despondent. My men's therapy group of 14 years also dissolved (after a super run!).
I recently found a new church/religion and I am slowly rebuilding socially, still struggling to find work, and extremely aware of the passage of time. Despite all the discouragement, I want to have a life again.
Late last year I discovered Bessel van der Kolk, his book "The Body Keeps the Score," and the trauma based yoga offered at his center. I resonate deeply with everything in that book and I'm happy to have a new physical practice in trauma based yoga. My body really does keep the score and it's time for a comeback!
I have become a jazz musician during my recovery journey. Piano is my first instrument but I am most enjoying drums these days. That's the background of my avatar. Rock on!
I am pretty new to this forum and wanted to say "hi." I am 49 y.o. male. My PTSD goes back to my childhood. I was really in denial for a while until my late 20s, when all of the sudden I stopped hiding behind super-achieving and desperately started seeking help. I have worked so hard at recovery since then. Many years of individual therapy, group therapy, EMDR, and Al-Anon (my mom is alcoholic). Also since my symptoms are extremely somatic/physical, I have done tons of body recovery work too -- chiropractic, Rolfing, Alexander technique, Feldenkrais, Tai Chi, acupuncture, pelvic floor therapy, cranio-sacral, yoga, mindful body scans, and guided meditation. Along the way I also went pretty deeply into the male survivor community, which really illuminated some of my deepest attitudes about intimacy, love, and power/abuse.
I kind of think of my situation like being the child of Holocaust survivors. My mother is an incest survivor. My dad lost his mother to suicide when he was 2, and then his oldest sister and oldest brother also committed suicide separately a few years later. I grew up with some inexpressible sense of things being bad, even though we were the "perfect family" until my own mother attempted suicide when I was 27, just a few months after I had stopped hiding and started seeking my own recovery.
So, I have been working my recovery pretty hard for 20 years, and I have sacrificed a lot over that time. Especially career. When I "woke up" at 27 my life's work (Ivy League PhD) suddenly felt toxic, and my career is still pretty jumbled even now. I have been unemployed for 18 months now, and for 5 of the past 15 years. I have also been mostly single all that time. It wasn't until I was in my 40s that I started to get a handle on sex does not equal abuse (with me as the victim).
During all the years of my recovery, I have been very dedicated to spiritual practice, but that's been very rough at times. After 4 years in one church, I lost my faith and many friends with it. Eventually I found a new church/religion where I planted myself for 12 years. That was awesome for a while but unfortunately that ended very badly 3 years ago. I ended up feeling exiled, and what's worse, the collapse of my community there seemed very intertwined with my efforts to relate more openly as recovering PTSD / male survivor.
Last year was the worst. I have been in far more pain but never so hopeless. Having tried so hard, and still lost my dearest community and then my job/career, left me despondent. My men's therapy group of 14 years also dissolved (after a super run!).
I recently found a new church/religion and I am slowly rebuilding socially, still struggling to find work, and extremely aware of the passage of time. Despite all the discouragement, I want to have a life again.
Late last year I discovered Bessel van der Kolk, his book "The Body Keeps the Score," and the trauma based yoga offered at his center. I resonate deeply with everything in that book and I'm happy to have a new physical practice in trauma based yoga. My body really does keep the score and it's time for a comeback!
I have become a jazz musician during my recovery journey. Piano is my first instrument but I am most enjoying drums these days. That's the background of my avatar. Rock on!
