Relationship New Here.... My Complicated Story About Ex's Ptsd....

[HollyB]

Saec: You keep saying that he he said Afghan wasn't real? What do you mean by that?

 

[Saec]

Not sure.... When I asked what it meant he said I don't know. I can only assume he means that it didn't count cause he was in afghan and maybe not in his right mind.... That it was a mistake and fake emotions on his part that he realized when he got home. That's all I can think.

 

[lanagirl28]

Hi Saec. Sorry, this is going to be a long one but hopefully will help you out a little. Your story sounds all too familiar. If you can find the post I initially made when my fiance broke things off suddenly, I'm sure you'll find some significant similarities.

I was with my guy before he deployed and then after as he transitioned out of the Marines just three months after returning. The day before I left to come visit my family he had told me (I think I mentioned this in that post - it sticks with me) that he "knew he had done things to be proud of before, but knew the proudest thing he'd ever do was marry me and make me a mother." When he called to break things off, telling me not to come home because he wasn't sure how long he'd be there and that we were going in different directions (which made no sense to me as I was only making positive changes in my life, things he'd told me he was proud of!), I reminded him of having said the thing about marrying me and making me a mother, to which he replied, "I don't remember saying it like that." :wideeyed: Of course my heart just dropped. He sounded rational and convinced of what he was telling me at the time, but also sounded cold and void of emotion.

It has been about seven months since then. For two months he wouldn't contact me at all, and later told me that he couldn't let me see him go where he went after I left - he spent two months drinking alone in his parent's basement before getting a job.

We texted back and forth a few times, once he initiated contact saying that he had thought of me and hoped I was finding peace and that he was working every day to get back to the old him. Conversations are never on my terms, I can try to initiate them all I want but it's only when he's ready to talk that we do.

I texted him one day pretty calmly telling him that when he didn't respond it made me question his sincerity during our relationship and hurt me because I thought we loved each other very deeply. It also hurt feeling like after two and a half years and waiting for him and standing by his side, he didn't feel like I was worth a reply, and my self esteem had gone out the window when he did what he did. I didn't expect a reply really. He didn't respond for days, but eventually he did (it was just a few days after visiting his good friend's grave for the first time). We were texting and then shockingly he CALLED me, and when we ended up talking he said he thought he was doing me a favor because he felt I'd look back and realize how bad he'd been treating me, and that at least here my family could take care of me and be there for me in the ways he couldn't. He said he didn't know what was going through his head the day he did it, that he did love me and thought this would be better. We both cried, and as soon as he started to, he shut down, hurrying off the phone saying he had to go. It was like he couldn't take it. It hurt both of us so much.

Fast forward a couple weeks and we were texting and I brought up how happy we were when he came home, how elated we were to find each other in the crowd and embrace! He said we couldn't talk about that, it hurt to much and later when he called me (at my request) he was saying I couldn't keep waiting for him, hurting over him and that he didn't know what would happen with us, those things sort of work themselves out but he couldn't think about it now because he didn't even know what he was doing. He did however tell me that deep down I had to know it wasn't me, that he felt like we were trying and it wasn't working, that he wasn't healthy, wasn't strong enough to work on it.

When I mentioned just not understanding or being able to wrap my head around it he said I wouldn't be able to, that nobody could understand what went through his head that day because he knew he was sick. I asked if he just didn't love me anymore, did he feel like he didn't love me the day he did it? He told me that he knew he did, but that he couldn't feel anything but pain. As far as missing sleeping with me he says he tries not to think about it and just accepts that it's something he doesn't have anymore. He has a dog now.

Then about a week later I drunk dialed him and he was drunk too and I asked if he would come visit me, and he said he'd like that! It was a short talk as we both had to go but he picked up which I was happy about. He never ended up coming and when I mentioned it again he said he couldn't, didn't have the time with work and the fire academy coming up but that he was sorry.

His brother wanted to come visit for Thanksgiving and my ex and I hadn't talked in months but I called him and asked if this was okay because he'd initially told his brother it "wasn't a good idea" but then told me it was fine, he didn't mind if we met up because he knew we were still friends (these two remarks were only about an hour apart). I asked if it was really okay and he said yes, and when I asked if he was sure he lashed back with attitude saying he wouldn't say it if it weren't true.. then he had to go. I was pleasant and told him to take care, with a big fat smile in my voice. I am careful not to fight back when he does these things.

The point I hope I'm making is that it doesn't matter how long you were together or how close you were, mine said that wonderful thing the very day before I left and told me how much he'd miss me and then said he didn't remember it. Since then there have been such great inconsistencies it's ridiculous, but I love him and so I hold out hope (I can't help it, we were planning our wedding!) while trying to work on myself.

Do not initiate contact, and if you do, leave it open so that he doesn't feel forced to respond. I feel this has helped.

Today I actually broke down and texted him (it's been weeks since I'd made contact and months before that) and basically just told him I knew he had loved me deeply and I loved him unconditionally, and for him to not forget how great he had been to me either (I feel they forget this). I didn't expect a reply, but it still hurt not to get one back.

Anyways it's been a long road to say the least but I hope this helps at all so you know what you're dealing with seems to be very normal and that he'll probably have moments of clarity and then slip back into it again and again.

Sorry for the book!!

 

[Saec]

I thought I'd share with everyone want I figured out.... Maybe it will help someone else. Let me first say that I feel my ex def has some PTSD issues. I know he's been through and seen more than I can imagine, and I know it hurts him. But I don't believe our relationship failing was PTSD anymore. I'm just being honest. It fell apart so quickly. I believe that it was something he needed at the time to get him through Afghanistan, and I helped him do that. I helped him keep his sanity through a tough time. Although detached and numb when he came home, I think part of that too was him realizing that he had gotten himself into something that he didn't want right now for whatever reason. I didn't listen, and I pushed and crowded him (from far away) until it cultivated into this horrible mess that ended last night with us saying the most hurtful things to each other, and ending even our friendship completely. A friendship we have had for over 10 years.

I hurt alot, but even I know that if its real love it can't be lost in the space of 5 minutes. That no matter how much pushing I did, if he really wanted me in his life no amount of pushing would have pushed him away entirely. Yes he asked me for space, but he never said he cared about me anymore or wanted me to wait for him. Those are signs that there was more going on than PTSD.

He has told me that he doesn't think about our times in afghan, and he never reads the messages we wrote to each other. It ended when he got home and ill probably never know why. One day into him being home, he had said to me that he'd be willing to give up boyfriend and girlfriend just to save our friendship...... One day after being home. Why did he even feel there was something that needed to be saved? Nothing had even happened yet. I think he got home and just realized this wasn't what he wanted...... For whatever reason. And I never accepted that. And now I have to. And it's the hardest thing to do in the world right now. I think about him constantly and I wish I could change so many things. It's a pain I can't describe.... And it' only gets worse when I think of that sweet kind man I fell for in afghan who I meant everything to at the time, and who now can't even stand the thought of talking to me.
People tell me to just got over it.....but it's so hard. At least when I was trying to give him space there was always a little hope. Now there's nothing left, he made it plenty clear that there will be no friendship.... And he feels any further contact will be damaging. I miss what we had, but I mostly miss my friend. And I don't know how it got to this point.

 

[Saec]

Just a little update... I was pretty upset when I wrote earlier. Since then I have realized a bunch of things. I feel like I have come up for air after being underwater for the past month. Thing are staring to make a little more sense again. It's like I wrote on my FB page: Time to take a backseat heart.....the brain is finally here :)

I texted him earlier today. I apologized for everything I did. I couldn't leave things the way they were with such hostility. And I wanted to know if there was still a chance for friendship later on. I get very emotional but I'm a good person. I just wanted to leave him with images of a same sweet person.... Not someone who has gone all crazy in the past month. I tried to explain a little from what I can figure out myself.

I told him that besides holding onto the past in afghan and being confused about what happened when he got home, I also was holding onto the future. We had planned so many things together. He had bought me tix to come see him, had plans for him to come stay with me for a few weeks at Christmas and my birthday, were gonna celebrate somewhere fun and exciting for New Years, an then he was going to pack up his life where he lived and take an army job in another state that he was so excited about.

So I tried to explain that I was so caught up in all those things that it just messed with my head. All of those dreams were crumbling around me. I started gripping onto him so tightly because I still wanted those things to happen so desperately. Basically I stopped hearing him and what he needed and just fell into something I couldn't get out of. I was wrong but I couldn't stop myself. I pushed him so far to the point of never even wanting to have any other contact again.

So I told him all this, without being mushy or lovey. Just direct and apologetic. Told him that there was NEVER an excuse for me not hearing him and respecting his need for space. Told him that I was in a fog and am now finding my way out of it. That we have been friends for over 10 years and I hope he can eventually forgive me not being in my right mind, and does he ever see a possibility of friendship in the future I'd I can finally give him the time and space he needs.

He texted back that he didn't know, maybe if I give him some time with no communication. To be honest. I was surprised he even wrote that. I could have sworn he would either block me (which he threatened to so last night) or ignore me, or say I'm sorry, but we can't be friends. So many things were said last night. I don't think he doesn't care about me at all... If that case he prob would have stopped all ties with me awhile go. Even when it's negative or anger it him begging me to leave him alone. He could have blocked me or anything a long time ago. So I don't think he doesn't care, but I know he doesn't love me. That's been a hard thing to accept.

He told me last night that maybe he is scared of commitment. I don't know how much of that may have played into what happened after he got here. He still says he doesn't know. He can only say it didn't feel right and wasn't meant to be. Because he was married before and it didn't work so he wasn't going to get into something else that seemed wrong....... Which is funny cause when he was in afghan he said it seemed like we were meant to be and that it felt like he was always just drawn to me.

So I don't know. I don't know how much of this is normal stuff and how much is PTSD. Obviously he has issues..... The comments about what he's been through and still not being able to talk emotions and still saying he doesn't know why anything happened and he needs to see someone and work things out......I just wonder if any of it us is mixed in there. Does this happen at all with PTSD? Does it sound like any of it could be mixed in with that, or is it just normal break up stuff? I guess when you're dealing with any form of PTSD, even normal stuff isn't just normal stuff, that other stuff lies deeper. Am I making any sense to anyone?

 

[HollyB]

It's hard to read what you've written Saec. You're looking for positive, good signs to hold on, when there doesn't seem to be any.

The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. What do you think he's really showing you right now?

I relate to soooo much of your story. Unfortunately, I'm worried that we were the quintessential "deployment girlfriends," there to help them get through their deployments, and to serve no purpose upon their return.

 

[Saec]

HollyB I hear what you are saying. And that would make so much more sense if we weren't friends for 10 years prior to afghan. You're right about one thing. He needed help getting through afghan and if anything I helped him through it. I helped him get home, and I know he would have gone crazy had I not been there for him. I'm ok with just that right now because he was my friend first. Everything else is secondary.

I don't know why what happened when he got back happened and neither does he. To his credit I have begged him so many times to tell me that he could have easily made up something to just get me to stop asking, but he never did. To this day he still swears that he has no idea what happened. And that he wants to get help to find out.

Believe me, he has been plenty angry at me prior to our last conversation. Not just indifference. I think it was hard for him to talk to me cause right now he cannot handle emotions, and I am one giant bundle of them. Now it's different.... Now he's just annoyed at me. He doesn't understand why I had such a hard time giving him space. It pisses him off that I couldn't just listen. I asked him if everyone in his life just leaves him alone when he tells them to and he said yes. I'm the one person who didn't.... Of course that would piss him off. And I assume be very confusing at the same time.

So Im not wearing my blinders. I know where things are right now aren't the best. But they are better than yesterday when the possibility of contact in the future was completely off the table. I know for most of you it's your relationship on the line. But I have a friend that I miss terribly, that I know is in pain and I hope to see a glimpse of him again one day. I want him to get better, because I know he wants that. And I hope he forgives me one day and can work things out in his head enough to understand why things happened and hopefully can talk to me about it.

 

[HollyB]

I understand where you're coming from, Saec. Like I told you, I have almost 7 years of friendship (6 of them pre-Afgh) on the line too. It might sound mean to say this, but your story, and my story, aren't unique. Keep reading these forums. They're immensely helpful.