Sufferer New here, newly diagnosed, my story: on scene of husbands mva.

[Mrs.CFW]

I was diagnosed today actually. Up until today, I have only been diagnosed with depression and that didn't explain my behavior or choices so my psychologist and I have been working on pin pointing exactly what happened to me. Here is my story, the cliff notes version.

My husband and I had the most amazing marriage. We were completely in love and had everything going for us. We were the couple that had the love that people write about in books. I loved my life and my husband and he loved me.

One summer night in 2015 my husband and I were at our neighbors having a BBQ and enjoying some drinks with a new couple that had just bought the house across the street. We were having a great time and going back from house to house to introduce dogs, and kids, and showing our homes to our new neighbors. Someone noticed that there was something going on on the block below us and we all went out onto our neighbors deck to see what was happening. All we could see were cops, ambulances, fire trucks, smoke, and a ton of people. With the lights on the cop cars, we couldn't really see what was happening. After watching for about 5 minutes, my neighbor looked at me and said my husbands name. I looked around and he was not there. I ran out the front door, looked at our house and our brand new Dodge Challenger RT was not in the driveway. I ran, barefoot, down our street, and down the other street where it then rounded so I could now see where it all happened. All I could see was half of my car wrapped around another car on the street and a body lying off to the side of the road with about 12 people surrounding it, half of them kneeling and the other standing. This body, was my husband. I was running to him, not knowing if he was dead or alive. I push through the people to get to him and I see his motionless body. I run to my husband, and kneel at the top of his head and hold his face in my hands and he opens his eyes and looks at me. THANK GOD he is alive! He was scared and in pain and kept saying he was sorry. I told him he is the only thing I cared about and then told the ambulance to take him NOW and they got him loaded and to the ER.

Now, from here is where I think a normal person should be thinking, he is okay, he will be fine, he's alive. But all I could think about, and still do think about is this accident. Seeing his body, not knowing if he was alive or dead, and his eyes. The look in his eyes haunts my entire existence.

My husband ended up spending quite a while in the hospital and then was bed bound once at home for a while, and then was only mobile with help for a while after that. But, once he was healed and our lives were trying to get back to normal something in me changed. I literally became a different person over night, after he was mostly healed. I now know I was suffering from PTSD with the flashbacks, the anger, the detachment and everything else but at the time I was basically living in a blur. I don't remember a lot of specifics about it and it was only 2 years ago. I ended up walking out on my husband, literally disappearing on him and if you read the start of my post you know that we had the best of the best of marriages and he was the best of the best husband to me. I had no reason to want to leave, or leave, but I did. I ended up avoiding my husband for almost a year and have just recently started talking to him again a few weeks ago. While I have been working hard on getting myself healthy and trying to figure out what was wrong with me I have been dying inside from guilt and shame and my heart is completely broken and my husbands whole world is broken. I am learning what he went through after I walked out on him and I can not believe that I did that. It is like I am expecting to wake up from a horrible nightmare and have my life back. I need to realize that I have destroyed the life I had and deserve this miserable life for what I have done and I might get to keep this miserable life. My husband is so shut down, that he doesn't even want to see me. He tells me he loves me and is still in love with me, but I completely destroyed him.

Now that I have this diagnosis, I almost have hope that I can get over obsessing about his accident and him dying and focus on getting my husband back.

Can anyone relate? Is your PTSD from seeing your spouse in a similar situation? Did you make completely irrational, destructive, instant decisions that you are now having to deal with, on top of the PTSD?

I don't deserve any support because of what I have done, remember this is the cliff notes version, but I desperately need it.

Thanks for reading and thank you for having this page. I am hoping to find answers and peace here.

~ Mrs. CFW

 

[NewBeginnings]

I am so sorry to hear about your struggle and while it is important to acknowledge your actions please be gentle and kind to yourself. We have to be forgiving to ourselves before we can ever begin to heal.

While I have not had nearly the challenges you have experienced, I can so relate. For me about 3 years ago my husband went to the doctor after "feeling funny" for a few days- I did not go with him because I was convinced he was being a hypochondriac. The guilt set in when he was rushed to the ER by ambulance because he was in VTACH which basically meant his heart was beating super fast and irregular and could just stop (i.e. Would be a heart attack - I was told his condition was the widowers disease) Anyhow he was in the hospital for 4 days (a much shorter time than yours) and during that time he knew he was dying and refused to see our three children because he didn't want their last memory of him in the hospital. I don't mean to ramble about me but I did not bounce back from this experience. Similar to you I had a great marriage - my friends were always saying what a perfect pair we were and it was the best... funny now I have a really different perspective. I have been told this trauma stirred up other traumas in my life and I had made a very conscious decision many years ago that the past was going to stay in the past. I am not saying you have other traumas and what you experienced is plenty to have created havoc in your life. I have learned that I can't control what I may not want to deal with. When the universe knocks I have to pay attention or it knocks louder the next time. My journey is far from over. A part of me has changed and I can't get back to feeling how I was but another part of me is discovering life in a new way. I struggle and it would be a lie to not say that. I have good days and really hard days. For me, it is reliving my past that is my challenge. My T has told me that our family unit changed and that the other pieces are forced to adapt too. One of my challenges is to recognize I have needs and that doesn't make me needy.
Ok sorry for my ramble - yes this post did trigger me but in a way of "wow I am not the only one who was grateful my husband hadn't died and yet can't find it in myself to find happiness". I have so many crazy thoughts and odd feelings and still trying to sort through all the puzzling pieces of my life.

Again sorry for your challenge- you will find your way and be stronger in the end. We are the product of all of our experiences. Sending peace and love in you direction <3

 

[Mrs.CFW]

It feels kind of wrong, but I am happy that I am not the only person who is suffering because of something that happened to their husband. Nobody gets it. It gives me hope to hear your story and read how you are learning to love life in a different way. Up until your reply, not one single person could understand why I relive that moment over and over. I have had abandonment issues since childhood, and my mother was in a near fatal car accident the year I married my husband. My dr. is wonderful and now that we are confident that we are dealing with PTSD, we are going to create a new treatment plan, add and/or change meds, type different types of therapy and see if I can come to peace with the accident.

Honestly, I would live with the guilt and symptoms everyday if I could just have my husband back. I don't know how I am going to be able to get through all of this without his support. He has always been my protector and I would do anything to have his protection right now.

I am trying to learn as much as I can, and I just started today, but it seems that emotional detachment and even severe personality changes are a common symptom that people have experienced. I need to know how this happens and why it happens.

I know I need to watch how I talk to myself, but it was not only my husband that I turned on and walked out on and my husband tried his hardest but ended up losing our home, among other serious financial issues. So, I literally burned my life to the ground and then went back and buried it. I am nowhere close to forgiving myself. If I could make sense of it, I think I could start forgiving myself.

 

[NewBeginnings]

I too had plenty of people who had no clue why something that happened to my husband could affect me so deeply. For me, the event destroyed my entire foundation which is why I think the experience hits so deep. The process of rebuilding takes time but it is possible - I have experienced it in increments and I know I have a long road ahead.

I am trying to learn as much as I can, and I just started today, but it seems that emotional detachment and even severe personality changes are a common symptom that people have experienced. I need to know how this happens and why it happens.

Our brains are amazing in that we keep trying to make sense of it all and how and why we react the way we do. I am not sure but we may not have to answer all the questions in order for us to find compassion for ourselves. Often we are our worst critics. I do not know what you did or how you acted but regardless we can't change the past. If there is anyway for you to find some self compassion that may be a great startIng place. Of course so much easier said than done. You may be way too hard on yourself but at the time you probably acted in the only way you knew to protect yourself (survival instincts). By taking care of yourself you will be in a far better position to find peace.

I feel a bit hypocritical because while I sincerely believe all this to be true I have a really hard time with my own Self compassion. I know there is no one right answer and that different things click for different people but in essence we have to give ourselves a break.

There is tremendous support here.