Surviving_Sociopaths
New Here
Hi everyone,
I'm brand new to this community. I currently have no support system and, in turn, I'm becoming increasingly reclusive. I'm hoping to connect with anyone (even one person) who can relate to what I'm going through. I was brutally beaten by my sociopathic boyfriend for the last time in January (after years of crippling psychological and emotional abuse). He strangled me until I couldn't breathe and then punched me so forcefully he broke my nose. He completely brainwashed and manipulated me. I have horrific flashbacks, long-lasting bouts of dissociation (and an inability to feel/numbness), followed by extreme emotional breakdowns where I feel I can't live without him (which I know is trauma bonding). I cry myself to sleep in a state of fear and abandonment if I can even sleep at all. I've become extremely hyper-vigilant and distrustful of people. I come from an abusive narcissistic family as a scapegoat and they are completely unsupportive emotionally. None of my friends understand the severe and unsettling flashbacks I have where I need to get to him when I feel unsafe. I've been conditioned to equate abuse with love. I don't feel I deserve happiness and I've decided to avoid socializing because of my tendency to accuse everyone of deceit. I feel that everyone is out for themselves and if I was living with someone who could manipulate me for 8 years and didn't even know it, how will I ever know if someone I just met can be trusted not to further the damage? All I want is to come to terms with the fact that life is unfair, but I keep fighting for some justice that I'll never see. I feel weak, inadequate, ugly and unworthy he inculcated me with these comments everyday. I walk around in a haze and then come to filled with sadness and violent anger. These feelings/sensations have been going on for so long I feel trapped in what I feel hell would be like if I thought there was one. Hopefully I can learn from others on here and return the favor.
Thank you.
I'm brand new to this community. I currently have no support system and, in turn, I'm becoming increasingly reclusive. I'm hoping to connect with anyone (even one person) who can relate to what I'm going through. I was brutally beaten by my sociopathic boyfriend for the last time in January (after years of crippling psychological and emotional abuse). He strangled me until I couldn't breathe and then punched me so forcefully he broke my nose. He completely brainwashed and manipulated me. I have horrific flashbacks, long-lasting bouts of dissociation (and an inability to feel/numbness), followed by extreme emotional breakdowns where I feel I can't live without him (which I know is trauma bonding). I cry myself to sleep in a state of fear and abandonment if I can even sleep at all. I've become extremely hyper-vigilant and distrustful of people. I come from an abusive narcissistic family as a scapegoat and they are completely unsupportive emotionally. None of my friends understand the severe and unsettling flashbacks I have where I need to get to him when I feel unsafe. I've been conditioned to equate abuse with love. I don't feel I deserve happiness and I've decided to avoid socializing because of my tendency to accuse everyone of deceit. I feel that everyone is out for themselves and if I was living with someone who could manipulate me for 8 years and didn't even know it, how will I ever know if someone I just met can be trusted not to further the damage? All I want is to come to terms with the fact that life is unfair, but I keep fighting for some justice that I'll never see. I feel weak, inadequate, ugly and unworthy he inculcated me with these comments everyday. I walk around in a haze and then come to filled with sadness and violent anger. These feelings/sensations have been going on for so long I feel trapped in what I feel hell would be like if I thought there was one. Hopefully I can learn from others on here and return the favor.
Thank you.
