Hi, and very sorry you went through this. It sounds pretty horrible. And impossible to talk about. No one wants to know, everyone is baffled, these things aren’t supposed to happen until they do.
But obviously, lashing out at others, especially loved ones, is tragic. Because they start to distrust you, too, and in return you might carry on that way as the trust is already broken anyway. But the guilt always looming and ready to morph into anger.
Saving won’t happen at once. Apologies are one thing. Accountability another. And repair, a third step. Each one is hard. The accountability period is the one you’ll have to probe and heal, mostly on your own. Perhaps with some support, but limited. And then the repair will happen when not only you’ll be safe enough to be around and able to redistribute the support you have been given. It’s not a piece of cake. Gently rewire. Keep somewhat distant. Relationships will change. Not necessarily in bad. But it will be different.
Anger happens when something is blocked. You’re not getting what you want. You’re feeling stuck. And then the lashing out often lands on someone who isn’t responsible for the essence of it. What helps is to target the anger to its real targets. In your case the abusers aren’t there anymore, but can you do something in that sense? Or using the energy of that anger to address that issue, read about it, write about it. If it’s compulsive and obsessive? Better than randomly insulting someone you love. If you can’t attack the right target, you can find a screen.
I don’t know if what I’m saying makes any sense. I’ve not been so much in this position. But someone I know was and was constantly circulating in lashing out, apologizing, lashing out again. Scared if he stopped being angry, blaming, resentful and even violent, he’d collapse into a sadness with no return. All the angry structure build in avoidance of grief. Then the guilt of having been horrible piling up. The avoidance, the blindness to maintain such a system.
I don’t know you and don’t know how you’re managing this. But problems of this nature generally get cyclical and spiralling. What you want is get out of the spiral. As long as you aren’t okay it might be wise not stay too close. It’s not forever though. Not being close also avoid further problems and complications. Healing needs rest.
I hope you can find here the information you need. Again sorry for what happened, and welcome.
