New Memories?

[St.Maybe]

I don't know what's up with me. On one hand I really do feel as if I'm in a healthier place than I've been in a long time... maybe ever, and I'm so grateful. Still I find myself spinning off into this circus world of active symptoms.

I feel sick to my stomach and I'm having trouble concentrating and sleeping. I've been having new flashes, I feel crazy. I don't know if it's real, and I don't want it to be. I'm small, and I'm sitting in someone's lap. I know who. From my vantage point, I'm looking at a couch and then a carpet in a room I could never have described in detail before, but in a house I remember visiting well enough. I don't have any memories of being abused there, and yet I begin to panic and wonder whenever this happens. The more I think about it the more intense my fear becomes. It happened for the first time today, and it's happened three times.

Has anyone else had experiences like this? Normally when I relive a memory, I'm coming out of being asleep or laying down to go to sleep.


Be well folks,

Reno

 

[ladee]

Yes, memories can come in many ways. Mine will be in little snippets. Just enough to make me feel crazy. Certain things are so real , so I know it's true. We can't make this stuff up, and especially the feelings that go with the memories....
You are still doing very well !! Hopefully you have tools to help with the feelings. Are you in Therapy? If so,please share with your T to help you make sense of things..
Very glad you are here. You don't have to be alone on this healing journey.

 

[HappyJock]

That sounds quite scary, I'm sorry that you're having new flashbacks (but it's a good sign!). I've had experiences like that. I was in a happy and healthy place and I thought what I remembered was the last of it -- until it wasn't and I remember details I never wanted to be true, but ultimately I had to make the choice to believe that they were real, as scary as they were.

As I say, flashbacks, like nightmares and bad dreams are necessary -- they help us process left-over fear, anxiety and emotions. You're remembering now because you're healthier and your brain knows you can handle it better than you probably would have before, so it's normal even if it may be unwelcoming and scary. Hang in there and I wish you the best going further into your recovery. :hug:

 

[Dissociated1]

Over the course of recovery I went through several spells when all was calm. My flashbacks were gone and I wanted so much to believe the worst was behind me. My trauma specialist told me the mind needs time to rest and for me to absorb the things it revealed. She called these "Plateaus of Healing." Sometimes they lasted a few days. Some times a few months.

I have slowly come to accept my mind will only allow me to know what I am ready to know. As the walls continued to come down it was always from a safe vantage point- nightmares, dissociative episodes that were like watching a movie and flashback where I was an onlooker, a different person, a different gender or older less vulnerable version of myself. My understanding of the things that happened to me came into better and better focus as I was ready to experience the feelings and emotions my alters have been protecting me from.

 

[Poofycat]

I experienced a flashback with a new memory on Saturday, so I can relate. It's happened me to a few other times over the past 7 months or so. I always make a point of keeping things really calm for the next couple days, giving myself a lot of space to process the new information. It can be really, really exhausting. I also don't want to believe my new memory, and I really have no idea what to do with the one that came on Saturday. But I know that I don't need to immediately act on it, and I need to wait and process it safely with my T who I see on Thursday. I also trust that the new memory is real because my body is telling me that it's true. I've learned to trust my body more than my mind when it comes to these things.

Do you have a good trauma therapist that you can process this with?

 

[St.Maybe]

Thanks everyone. I feel a bit less crazy after reading your posts :)
@ladee @Poofycat, no I'm not currently in therapy... nor am I on any pharmaceuticals.

I'm calming down a bit more now, taking frequent breaks to dig my toes in the grass or watch funny videos. It's helping, though I fancy myself feeling that kind of rumbling that you feel when one of those old wooden roller coasters starts up, just before you lurch forward and up for the climb.

Wishing you well,
Reno

 

[ladee]

We are here for you when the roller coaster gets going !! Keep us updated and please share all you want and need to... it really helps... and curling toes in the grass sounds delicious !!!! Happy you drug out the 'tool box'.
Sending hugs for the ride !!!