Relationship New (old) Relationship Fell Apart

[kacee129]

First a little background. Divorced last year...alcoholic verbal and emotional abuser. Reconnected with my high school sweetheart. He was my boyfriend all thru high school. When he was 17 he joined the Army and as soon as he turned 18 he was sent to Vietnam. Before he left he told me not to wait for him. I took it that he was blowing me off.

Now 46 years later he tells me that he didn't think he would come back alive and didn't think it would be fair to expect me to wait. I didn't wait....I got married about a year later. However, he was always in my heart and mind. So fast forward - 3 marriages (for both of us) later...we reconnected. Spent endless hours on the phone, email, text. He lived in Vegas, I in Tucson. He came out for a visit to see where I lived.. So he came out. It was so comfortable with him - we had a wonderful time, then he went back to Vegas. He wanted me to move there but I explained to him that I had to live in my home for 2 years of pay a large capital gains tax. So he decided to move out here. The first month was great. Then he started a small business making and selling costumes. He had done it years back - in Vegas he worked as an Impersonator...no calling for one here..so the costume business was going to a way to earn extra money as his soc sec check is small. (I am in a good place financially).

So he starts the business and there were problems after problems...It consumed all his time. Suddenly one day he has what I call a meltdown. There was a problem with some of the items, now I really don't remember the cause but he went into a tirade. Oh my God - I was so scared. I didn't know what to expect - if he would get violent etc. So I left my home for the day. He apologized when I got home but had "excuses" for the behavior. So I thought maybe its just a one time thing. I was wrong - he had these breakdowns anywhere from once a week to 3 times a week. He wasn't yelling at me, but coming from past abuse I couldn't deal with it. and of course we were not able to have a calm conversation about it. After a few weeks I told him it would probably be best if he left. He would agree, but after a few days that went by the wayside...until the next meltdown.

Just recently I found out that he had been diagnosed with combat related PTSD - but wouldn't get help or treatment for it. He still has nightmares, bad anger issues, has to have a beer by 10:30 am (but doesn't drink after 2:00 pm. I think he is self medicating?? I even tried explaining that he could probably get supplemental income and could do away with the costume thing...no more stress....but he blew it off.

Well...He went back to Vegas yesterday. I have to admit I felt a bit relieved that I could stop walking on eggshells, but my heart is totally broken. He wants me to go out there at least once a month...He said we are not over. Then why won't he seek help so we can be together?

I don't really know much about PTSD - but I'm reaching out to various places to learn about it. With my alcoholic ex Alanon trained me to not "fix" things - not get involved in "their problem" - is it the same with PTSD?

Any guidance would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Hello Kacee129,

I moved your thread into the supporter relationship section as it was in the wrong forum. You will find some great supporters here who should be able to help you sort through things. In the meantime, I suggest reading some threads in the supporters section so you know a bit more of what you are dealing with.

Best wishes.

 

[kacee129]

An update - since he got back to Vegas he has been calling quite frequently.

Today he was at a bar most of the day waiting for his car to be repaired. Earlier this evening he started texting - his first text asked if I work with his out breaks if he tried to get help at the VA. I replied that he has to want to get help for himself and that it was him that had to do the work. I mentioned that I had contacted a group (you folks) to help me understand and deal with it. Then he responded "I am a private person. If that's what it takes I can't let the whole world know I'm an asshole. I'll stay away.." I responded that I didn't understand and he once again said he can't share with others the things that make him go off the way he does.

My response was that I was sure other people have the same thing happening to them...everyone is human including me..then I said I would not force him to get help. If he wanted to be alone the rest of his life that was his choice. Then he said "I'll just go away" - I told him he had too much drink and he should probably try to sleep and we could continue with this tomorrow. Then he said no...I'll talk now. Thank you for all your love and hard work but I'll going to....that was it exactly and it made no sense to me. So I just responded "if that's what you want = I won't beg you. If our relationship isn't worth it to you to try to get help then there is nothing I can do. THEN the next messages I got were I'm going, I'll......then next message was just bye....then the next I really think it is time. I did not respond to any of those.

One reason is I do not like it when someone makes comments that may or may not allude to suicide....second reason I had no idea how to respond. Third reason I was hoping he'd just go to sleep.

Can someone tell me if I'm responding correctly or if not how do you respond to things of this nature. This is all new to me.

Thanks and sorry for going on so long.

 

[Nicolette]

Can someone tell me if I'm responding correctly or if not how do you respond to things of this nature.

Kacee, I can't advise you on what to say but I do think this is a form of manipulation and to that end I would be wary and careful.

 

[The Albatross]

Kacee you sound pretty reasonable to me (I'm a sufferer).

 

[Bilby]

You are right, he needs to want the help for himself, in order to make his life better. You can't make him want it, or do it. Having said that, I believe that if he's serious about a relationship with you, then he will need to come to the realisation that needs therapy. He needs to work on himself in order to be able to have a sound relationship.

I think your expectations about your relationship are quite reasonable, and I can understand why his outbursts are something that you find unable to cope with, particularly given your history.

 

[kacee129]

I feel so bad right now. He told me today he wants to come back "home". He said he would go to the VA here to get help. He told me to take my time and think about it. Of course 10 minutes later he wanted an answer. I told him I needed time to think it through.

What I came up with is I still live in the same place, around the same people, critters, snakes, bugs. Everything he complained about non stop. It hasn't even been a week. What's different? And if he came back would it be me pushing him to seek help? Probably - Now about 15 minutes ago I got a text (he finds it easier than talking) asking if he should "sign a lease". So I responded that I did still love him, but nothing has changed. That I felt he had to get help, for himself, not me.

I told him I had been reading a book about PTSD and was overwhelmed because I didn't really know all that was involved. And I told him I didn't want our relationship to get messed up more than it already is and that I need time to be able to learn how to support him not make things worse. So I suggested a 6 month lease. Well, I just got this response "OK I'm gone. Thanks for everything" I wasn't going to respond but then responded with "your choice". I want to just punch my pillow and scream and cry, but I'm a little too old for that. But maybe I will just to get it out. I know he is game playing now. Trying to manipulate me to get his way.

Thanks to all that replied. It really helps hearing from people that understand what is happening.