Relationship New Ptsd Supporter - Need Advice

[HisLobster]

I am SO happy I found this amazing site. I've been reading these forums all week - reading so many accounts that sound like my own. I'm so very new to all this and I have some questions hopefully someone can give me some input on how to handle some of what we're experiencing.

My boyfriend and I have been together less than 3 months. This is brand new. He's the kindest soul I know. Such a sweet, loving man. I was crazy for him immediately after we were introduced - and vice versa.

We saw each other every day right off the bat - just couldn't get enough - storybook-feeling kind of romance. A few weeks in I started noticing he was "getting flaky" - not showing up when he said he would be there or just messaging me to say "goodnight" instead of whatever we'd talked about doing that evening. Then I got completely blown off for the first time. I was pretty upset - I just didn't understand why he would do that. The friend who introduced us sat me down and talked to me immediately after that - telling me he wasn't like that before he left for overseas and they didn't know what happened, but that he'd been that way ever since. Basically she let me know it wasn't just me.

That next day, after getting my messages from the previous day asking where he was (that I sent when he never showed up) he felt really bad. He apologized, telling me he didn't remember making any plans with me, and let me know he never wanted me to feel forgotten or unwanted. He made it very clear.

From that time on, it's been constant every couple few days. Forgotten conversations, forgotten plans, last minute canceling plans .... I took to heart what my girlfriend had told me about him not being the same since returning home and it made me feel sad to know that, but I still didn't know what that meant and was taking everything pretty personal.

I didn't understand why when I would attempt to talk to him and ask him what was going on he never seemed to know what I was talking about but always seemed genuinely sorry and very attentive to my feelings, telling me he always wants to be with me and talk to me and how good for his heart I am, and how important I've become in his life.

Eventually, a few arguments over issues like this and I took to researching online to see if this was common or if I might be able to figure out what was going on. It just started as a general search for information and lead me to the realization that he has combat PTSD. I don't know if he even realizes it. If he does, he hasn't admitted it. He doesn't sleep. I don't know how he functions. When he does fall asleep he has nightmares, and last night (the first time we had seen each other in four days) he had some kind of a nightmare/flashback within 20-30 minutes of falling asleep that was extremely upsetting and he actually had to just get up and leave in the middle of the night because he couldn't calm down. I tried holding him close and rubbing his head (which normally calms him) and he couldn't stop trembling. It was absolutely heartbreaking to see him like that. He said he just needed to be alone, and he left. That was around 1 o'clock in the morning.
Fast forward to midmorning, I checked on him to see how he was doing since he had said he would come back and see me soon .... and he was already up the mountain snowboarding with friends, which is our planned trip for tomorrow. I am trying not to take this personal. I put a lot of thought into his Christmas present and the one thing that stood out the most was he had been wanting to go snowboarding .... so I pulled some strings and got him a trip to the snow for both of us (his first time in 4 years, my first time in 17 years). I told him how much I wanted to make that happen for him and be able to take him for his first time back - he was SO excited when I told him that. Our trip was for tomorrow .... and he decided to go one day earlier and experience it with friends instead. Yes, I am happy that he is doing something that he loves and got out of his funk this morning, but I can't help having my feelings hurt that he would push my gift to the side like this when it seemed that it meant so much to him.

I'm very emotional about this all. I try to keep that from him and just keep a happy face as often as possible. I'm absolutely crazy about him - but each time he forgets or blows me off it hurts a little more and I'm not sure how to process that. I know he doesn't do it on purpose - I don't blame him for what he can't control - but that doesn't make it sting any less when it continues to happen.

We have gone from spending time together daily to seeing each other every three or four days, and I might hear from him just saying "hi" or "goodnight" a couple times by text in that time. We live less than 8 minutes apart so it's hard to swallow that he's not wanting to see or talk to me as much. I'm trying to back off and give him time and space to do what he needs, I'm just having a really hard time trying to figure out how to process this and handle my emotions when he keeps forgetting me. I can't help but think if I was as important to him as he says, how would he be able to forget that me all the time?

I adore him and want to make things easier for him and be a support system for him, but I am not sure how to do that if he won't talk to me or let me in.

Any advice or just a kind word would mean a lot. It's great to read everyone else's accounts and know I'm not alone. But it still hurts

 

[Thizette]

Advice from someone with PTSD: set your expectations and boundaries and stick to them. A relationship means both people have a right to express their feelings: you are not required to keep a happy face on for him all the time. That is not what support means.

It's good that you are doing research and trying to understand. Try talking to him about why you think he's got these behaviors and ask him to go to counseling. Let him know what you expect from him in the relationship, and what you won't tolerate. If his actions continue to hurt you and he's unwilling to work on being better, it won't matter how much love and support you give him--you will be unhappy in the end. Those of us with PTSD do a lot better when the supporters in our lives take care of their own health and wellbeing and are direct (and fair) with us about what we're doing and how it affects you. Understanding why a person does something doesn't make their actions ok (example: my husband might understand why I flew off the handle and hit him in the face, and he might not blame me for doing it, but it's still wrong that I did and we need to be able to talk about that if our relationship is going to work).

 

[Suzetig]

Do you know he has PTSD or are you assuming that's what's going on? Diagnosis of PTSD is a complex thing - there could be 100 different things going on with him - has he told you he's been diagnosed?

You're only 3 months in - that's very early to be have planned a trip without talking about it first. To be honest, seeing each other a couple of times a week with a bit of texting in between sounds normal for the start of a relationship - maybe he just needs some space?

 

[TheMinsterman]

It seems in part you've learnt the biggest first step, don't take things personally, at least, in part, from his friend. It's incredibly tough believe me, my partner is completely different now since her descent into a very bad episode of PTSD and she has treated me in ways I never ever imagined she would. It's hurtful, she spends time with other people instead and stuff and it really hurts when you get overlooked and treated as unimportant.

Things are very difficult, coming here is a good first step. I'll try to answer some specifics a bit later after work.

 

[HisLobster]

@Thizette thank you so much for your kind, honest advice. I did try talking to him last night. I tried to let him know how I've been feeling and making it how "I feel" - while specifically trying not to upset him or sound like I was placing blame. I had a hard time keeping my emotions in (I'm quite emotional and have some anxiety issues of my own) and did let a few tears roll out. He ended up looking so hurt and sad anyways, and said that the things I said to him "made more sense to him than I could know" and he needed a couple days to think. He hugged me before he left and told me to just give him some time. I am giving him space and hoping he's processing okay. I've been thinking about him all day. By his reaction I kind of wish I hadn't said anything - or at least not yet. Maybe I didn't say the right things. I just don't know.

@Suzetig as I said, he hasn't come out and said it or admitted anything about PTSD to me himself. He's told me he knows he has memory issues and unknowingly gets "flaky" and I've seen firsthand the nightmares and flashbacks. His best friend of 11+ years knows. Personally, I have not felt a right time or comfortable way to ask him myself. I feel if he feels at whatever point ready to talk to me about it/let me in - he will. Me ending up here and reading so many posts that sound just like my guy was enough for me to know I was in the right place to start understanding/*trying* to understand this.

As for this early on being too early to take a trip...an hour up the road to go snowboarding for a day isn't a huge trip - but it was based on something he had verbalized to me multiple times that he wanted to do. We've already gone out of town on a trip and the other two we've talked about he has planned both and I didn't ask him, he asked me - including asking me to accompany him when he drives across the US next year. That was a huge indicator to me of how he feels about me and us.

I know 3-4 days apart at a time is of course normal for many 3 month relationships - just for the first month or more it was so much different and that's why I brought that up. He's just backed off from how it was and I wondered why until reading so many similar accounts here.

@TheMinsterman I'm so sorry you have been hurting as well, and I much appreciate your words. I agree this site is a great first step - it was a GREAT find.

Though it's hard not to take things personally when it's happening .... my adoration for him makes me want to learn how to work through it and learn how to most effectively handle it on my end and help him through whatever I can when he needs it.

 

[TheMinsterman]

It's incredibly hard to not take things to heart, I mean, why wouldn't we right? Somebody blanks you, says hurtful things etc is normally the sign of a horrible person we shouldn't be going anywhere near, but it's actually our partners! It's very difficult to see this sort of behaviour and not react naturally and emotionally, you have to tell yourself "it's not me, it's not personal" and sometimes you're going to fail and you will take it deeply personally.

If it helps, I'm not sure the length of the relationship seems to matter, I've known my SO for nearly 10 years, we've been very close all that time, she's always loved me, hasn't stopped her near total withdrawal though, I think that's just the nature of the beast and it doesn't seem to make a huge difference if it is a few months of several years.

 

[Sighs]

lead me to the realization that he has combat PTSD. I don't know if he even realizes it. If he does, he hasn't admitted it.

Don't diagnose him based on what you've read on the internet. He may have combat PTSD. He may have some other disorder. He may just be unreliable.