New Relationship Advice

[Diane in Dc]

I have read on this forum that those suffering from PTSD, as my new boyfriend is, can go check out of a relationship. Those who care for them should give them space and not contact them- in any way- giving them space.

My new boyfriend is a kind, caring and a thoughtful man who has sent me incredible text messages and been amazing the few times we are together. He is an Iraq veteran who is currently enlisted but suffers from tremendous "guilt" from his tours.. We had an exciting realtionship, but he recently had a friend die in Iraq- causing him to cancel one of our dates (we live two hours apart) then go into "retreat" mode. A few days later, he resurfaced only to become very agitated at a text I later sent. I repeatedly (once daily) sent him a text, for a three days but haven't heard from him.

So my question is this: the normal rules for relationship do not seem to not apply. Traditional support, offering to be there in time of crisis or need, from what I read on this forum, smothers those who have PTSD. So, how long should I wait to contact (text) him again? In a few weeks? days? What is a normal time frame for me to check in on him, or should I just let him go and live with the sadness of having met a great person, never to hear from him again?

 

[anthony]

PTSD is just a real complication in relationships. Books love to tell you that a PTSD person will be open to accepting that their partner is their best asset to help them, to talk with, to trust... but theory and practice is just not the same, and military PTSD is one of the worst types, because of the training we've endured... which there is no deprogramming. So what happens as civilians vs. military / ex-military, are vastly different, and you can nearly toss all the books out and you really need to make some judgement calls based on your specific situation.

You need to let him know you're there for him, however; if he simply refuses to let you be a partner, to support one another, normal relationship stuff, then you have to be willing to make the hard decision of moving on with your life and putting him as a past relationship.

The end result in reality is: you cannot help someone who isn't willing to help themselves.

He may be ready to help himself in the future, he may be ready now... but unless his actions match that process as well, then you may as well make a decision, either put up with the crap and accept it as part of your relationship, or get out now and move on with life, knowing you tried, but he didn't.

There just isn't an easy answer to a relationship with a veteran... because its the military training + the actual combat experience that makes it so much worse than the majority of PTSD trauma types. Combat PTSD is the most dangerous of all types of trauma, for both aggression and suicide... it surpasses complex trauma in these areas.

 

[Diane in Dc]

Thank you for the quick and very honest reply. In your opinion, should I continue to occationally reach out every few days, or wait for him to reply to me? (Sound like a high school girl, but I don't know how to navigate this)

 

[anthony]

I would simply send him a brief message... something like: I assume you want space, so I will now wait for you to contact me. If I receive nothing from you within x period, I will move on with my life. Love x.

To be perfectly honest, you hold no real aces up your sleeve unless he actually wants to be with you, at which point, such a message will provoke him to act more responsibly and contact you, to talk with you... if he ignores you, then he doesn't want to be with you, PTSD or not... didn't matter how sick I was, and ignorant, when given an ultimatum, if I wanted it, then I acted... if I didn't really care, then I didn't act.

 

[Diane in Dc]

Anthony, Thank you. Perfect advice. Diane

 

[Army_Brat_88]

Diane -

Everything Anthony said is right on. It depends if you want to hang in there with him or not. After months of not hearing from my ex guy no matter what texts I sent here and there, or emails, today I basically said to him "Do you want me to jump off a cliff and never contact you ever again?". That got him to respond to me that he didn't want that. You also need to decide if you'll be there through it all, because what you're experiencing won't be the last time. If you know you like him enough now, start learning and reading everything you can on PTSD. You'll need it, and it STILL won't prepare you for what's ahead for you.

The BIGGEST thing you will have to overcome is learning to NOT take his actions personally. I'll let you know when I conquer that one, which may never be. :confused: You will begin reading into things, or being offended or hurt, and talking yourself into it as a, b, and c - when it's x, y, and z. Know that's normal. Many of us who have military we care about are in that boat. But most signs point to that not being the case, we just think it is because we're emotional creatures who need answers.

Second BIGGEST - which is actually sharing the first biggest, is patience. If you don't have it, start faking it, at least for now. Not sure what you wrote in that text where he became agitated, but know it won't take much when they are in "that place".

So don't make any major life decisions now. Let him know you'd like to hear from him, and come on here if you need support.

 

[anthony]

Excellent advice AB...

It is really hard for all partners of PTSD, let alone military... why, because of that damn military training. If your a partner, you know what I'm talking about. The military training combined with PTSD equate to serious inflation of all issues relationship based.

I know that many with complex trauma may find that hard to believe, but its not about the trauma when it comes to military, its about the military training and lifestyle that comes with being military. The "I'm tougher than a stone wall" type attitude, unfortunately when combined with PTSD becomes, "I don't need anybody and I will suffer it alone" approach... only wanting to interact with people when having the emotional capacity to do so... which again, soldier + PTSD nearly means very little time during initial PTSD stages that emotional anything will exist.

Its not just the PTSD, its the damn training and military lifestyle that magnifies PTSD's issues.

A person with the most complex of trauma and heightened symptoms, without military training, can still and usually will be emotionally available at times of importance if they want to be loved, and love someone else.