Relationship New Relationship And Confused

[g6khk0]

Where to start!? I am in a relationship of 3 months with a very talented, intelligent, and beautiful (inside and out) woman who also suffers from PTSD.

A little background first. I am 54 and she is 47. We live 2 hours apart from each other so we meet on weekends. I usually go there on Fridays and come back home on Sunday evenings. She has come to visit where I live once. On our second date she was very open and honest with me about her having PTSD. This is one of the great things about our relationship, the openness and honesty. I stay at a hotel when visiting her so as not to make her uncomfortable. She told me up front that if things move to fast she'll run for the hills. I respect her and am a gentleman and try to move slowly when discussing "us" with her because I see so many possibilities. We have not been intimate, we have discussed not going there until we're sure of a future together. I'm ok with this as I believe all things good are worth whatever effort it takes.

We have spent every weekend together for the last 3 months. She was very excited to introduce me to her family and friends at different functions and has been sure to include her brother and his wife on a couple of "double dates" so her family could get to know me and I get to know them. They are her only family and it is very important to her for me to be accepted by them and her 2 great dogs. I am accepted by them all.

Since almost the beginning she has used the terms "us", "we", and other terms indicating we are definately exclusive and we have discussed a possible future together without really pushing the issue. She has told me almost everything there is to know about her and I have done the same. My history is rather insignificant when compared to hers. By that I mean that my background is what might be called "normal" with the usual ups and downs of life.

Hers however has been very tough with many "bad" things that culminated in her PTSD. Bad childhood with bad parents and being raised by an overbearing spiteful grandmother. @ failed marriages, one ex physically and mentally abused her and the other cheated several times on her. She was raped by a close male friend at the age of 30. There's more but these are the big things.

Her PTSD came to a head about 5 years ago before I had met her. She got help about 2 years ago and has in her words "come a long long way". She says that her world is finally opening back up for her and she is letting things back in for the first time in a long time. Included in this new world is me. She has not dated in over 8 years so I think her PTSD goes back at least that far.

I know this has gotten drawn out but there is so much to the story. My dilemna is that after 3 months of so much fun and smooth sailing and walls coming down, this past weekend I could feel something different and maybe stressing her. I know from doing some research since we've met that she may react to something at times and withdraw. Well, she has withdrawn without any warning, what to do next. For the first time since our relationship started there was no email or text goodnight last night. Our routine has been that she ends her day with a short good night text or email to me and she wakes up to a good morning email from me. I still sent my usual good morning email to her to wake up to this morning without raising and issues and know enough to not push. My question is do I just continue as though there is nothing going on and wait for her to come out of it or do I question her if something is wrong? I should also mention that she has bipolar which she takes a couple of meds for faithfully everyday which can leave her too even keeled and sometimes a little unemotional, which frustrates her since she has mentioned many times that the meds has taken her passion away. Any replies here would be very helpful from either side. Thanks.

 

[20something]

I'm a person with PTSD, and have been in a long-term relationship with someone who cared for and supported me... and am now in a new relationship with a wonderful girl who wants to support me as well.

I wanted to give you some advice/insight as to what's going on and why you should feel a little more at ease.

Everyone reacts to their PTSD symptoms differently, and with varying levels of trauma and depression/anxiety brought on by triggers, different people need different solutions and coping mechanisms.

One of those is just time to yourself. No pressures, no stresses, no commitments. It may seem like running away (and yes we, sufferers, will place guilt on ourselves for running away or for putting someone else through this ordeal!) but sometimes the best thing is to just get away for a little bit, break out of the routine, and recoup.

For me, that might just mean sitting alone in my apartment watching DVDs endlessly, just doing something that distracts me and cheers me up... knowing my loved one is out there waiting and being patient, and is there when I need them.

I would say to just make your presence known, or assure her that you are here for her, but be patient while she sorts this out and uses whatever self-healing tools she's acquired. It could be that she really just needed a night to herself where she wasn't obligated to call/text, and do what's best for her. That doesn't mean you AREN'T what's best for her, it just means your role may need to be more passive for this short period of time. Don't keep prodding with things like "what's wrong?" and "what can I do?" just let her relax a bit and come to you if she needs you... if after a longer period of time passes (a week or two) where she isn't getting better, I would press just a little bit and find out if she's doing the right things to get better, like seeing a therapist or someone else that she knows and trusts and can talk to.

I hope I've been able to shed some light on this for you... just don't worry, we just need some alone time without any obligations sometimes while the symptoms run their course.

 

[g6khk0]

Thank you 20something for the insight.

I did get an email from her last night saying that her PTSD has been triggered and she is taking time for herself to get back on track and to not contact her as it will just make it worse for her. I will respect her wishes and not contact her as the main goal is for her to be well. She said that she's not sure how long it will take as this is the worst it's been in a while and that her frightened self is trying to take over and she needs to put all her energies into not allowing her fears to take over. When she has it under control she will call me.

She did say that after thinking about it that I had triggered it by talking to her about our relationship and that she felt as though things were moving to fast for her. I guess I just assumed that since I had met her family several times and her friends at social gatherings, these were very important to her to meet people in her circles; and when she talked about us she would talk long term, that she was comfortable talking about a possible future between us. I assumed wrong.

Her email did sound a little off on the events that she says triggered her and she sounded a little angry. She told me last Friday that she had had a frazzled and busy week at work and that she wasn't sleeping as well as usual. She also said that she thought she was having dreams that she couldn't remember but it wasn't normal for her to have her sleep disturbed as much. She is also bipolar and takes strong meds for her illnesses to help control her moods and sleep.

Do sufferers of PTSD sometimes not see the events as they are that triggered their PTSD and look to place blame on something or someone else? In this case it may have been me but also thinking of all she said about her week at work and not sleeping as well as usual there could be some other underlying issue that she isn't seeing. Either way I will do as she wishes and not contact her so she can concentrate on getting herself healthy in mind, body, and spirit. She did let me know that it will take up through this weekend at the very least and maybe longer if neccessary.

Thank you again 20something for the insight, you have been very helpful.