Relationship New Relationship With A Man With Ptsd

[Lady1515]

Thank you for posting this. I am new to this site, but am very much in love with a wonderful man with combat PTSD. I thought I could be strong and deal with things, especially since I work at the VA and have more than general knowledge of the illness, but it is hard. I am also someone who struggles with anxiety stemming from a sexual assault and physical/mental abuse in two previous relationships. This relationship is really new, but I am seeing the distant, disconnected side of PTSD and it is making me very confused about the relation ship. I need more reassurance in relationships due to what I have been through, and it make me want to run when he goes through bad days. I myself am struggling with what to do, since this is taking a toll on my mental and physical health. The one thing I do know is that I love him, and really want this work....but I am not sure at what cost to my own well-being.

The main advice everyone is giving is to give a person in this situation their space. Is there anything else we can do? At one point should someone walk away?

 

[Iamhere]

Is there anything else we can do? At one point should someone walk away?

Yes space seems to be the key....it's harder than it seems. Everyone walks away at different times. Only you knonhow much you can handle and how bad it is. Just don't loose your self.

 

[KyGirl31]

Welcome and you are so right, it is so draining and I just recently walked away from my sufferer. It took a major toll on me mentally and I just had to. Don't be discouraged however many people here seem to make it work. My guy wants his cake and to eat it to and that's just not how it works! The forum is great:)

 

[sthrngirl]

I feel the same as you.. I feel I need more.. I am too nice to get these attitudes and mood swings thrown at me when I have my own problems.. I feel it's a one sided relationship..

 

[CateM]

I've been through this myself. My ex just ended the relationship out of nowhere saying he felt out of control and couldn't cope with the stress of being in a relationship. After 1 month of no contact initiated by me, he came back saying how much he missed me / us and that, whilst he usually just walks away from relationships feeling relieved, this time was different.

Since then (3 months ago) we have stayed in loose contact whilst he's been seeing his psychiatrist, and sorting himself out because he doesn't want us to get back together just for us to break up again in a month's time. I have supported this attitude and tried to be there for him as much as I can without suffocating him - in fact I always wait for him to contact me first.

I have spent this time educating myself on PTSD because it's a pretty difficult illness to understand and can be extremely painful to be involved with. My ex has been periodically distant and cold and then close and caring. Whilst telling me not to wait for him, it's always backed up with descriptions of how he is trying to get to a better place and questions about whether I am seeing anyone else (he's very jealous), as well as suggesting things that we could do together.

All of this led me to believe that there is hope for our future and I have trusted him to be honest with me which is why I have given him this time to work on himself without any pressure from me.

Last week I found out through a friend that he is online dating and has asked out at least one person. To say that this has been a slap in the face is an understatement. I confronted him about and he admitted that it was a rubbish thing to do and apologised.

The reason for my posting on this thread is because I fully believe in standing by someone who is trying to get through a difficult time, no matter what the people around you say. However, this support deserves recognition, even if only by your partner being open and honest with you. If my ex had told me he was looking to date other people, I wouldn't have been as angry because at least I would know the situation I was in. This sudden feeling of manipulation and dishonesty has completely changed the dynamic of our relationship and for me it is a deal breaker.

I think it's hugely important for supporters to have a cut off point where it is realised that behaviour has become unacceptable. Obviously, it's up to the individual as to where/what this point is.

 

[sisu]

Why oh why are there so many of us with such similar stories? Why oh why did I think my relationship would be different?

I think the hardest part for me at this point is the loss of power or the loss of control in my relationship. We were totally fine in the morning and in the evening that same day he gave me a surprise break up. I had no idea it was coming - and was given no opportunity to change the outcome. I stupidly thought we were happy. He told me the same ole stuff - he's stressed, needs to spend more time with his kids, get his head on straight, yadda yadda yadda. (if only any of that were true....)

I'm okay with being off the rollercoaster and I know I don't want that again. However I am now trying to find a way to feel that I had some control in this so I can get my power back. When the rug gets pulled out from under you by surprise it takes a little while to get back up. It has been a bit over 3 weeks since we broke up and will be 2 weeks tomorrow since we saw each other to talk about the break up. He initially broke up with me over the phone - after 3 years, he broke up over the phone! (coward!)

He is on dating sites looking for the next victim because alone is not an option for him. He is moving on - even though we all already know the outcome of the next relationship because he does not properly manage his PTSD. He is selfish because he won't take ownership of his part in all of this and he won't get help for it. This stings a little - not because I want him back, but because he can so easily move on.

Time heals all wounds - I just wish it would hurry up!

 

[KyGirl31]

Grrr. I talked to my guy today for the first time in a week and sheweee! He calls me psycho, skank, and says he's not changing for me or anyone else. He said he " hoped" it would've worked but it didn't. Bla bla bla... How can you hope something works when you won't give an inch? He says all women are crazy, not just me. I said " you hurt me" and he told me I hurt myself, whatever that means... Such a bad day:(

 

[sthrngirl]

Some men I've noticed think they do know wrong.. It's their opinion and what they think is all that matters. MAYBE a big reason why they have issues!

 

[Mistyeyed2013]

@ Sthrngirl-I am dealing with the exact same thing. But my BF suffers from complex PTSD (stemmed from childhood)...it's similar. Avoidance and disassociation is common with PTSD sufferers. While frustrating to the rest of us, especially women. who want to 'talk" everything out. Just know that it's NOT personal. I had a hard time adjusting to that. Avoidance is the way they deal with it. It's best to leave him be for a few days. That is STILL the hardest thing for me to do. I'm all about action--getting to the bottom of a problem. My BF was fine for the first 3 months and then all of a sudden I saw the mood swings, getting mad and yelling at everything...then later avoiding me, feeling shame/guilt usually followed. I felt like I was walking on eggshells. He also has anxiety issues. He has to learn to "trust" you first in order to open up. They don't trust very easily. You can not take a normal approach to handling a topic or certain topics that are touchy. I feel the best way to deal with a subject is to let him talk first. Also, talk about things after things have calmed down not when he's all fired up.

My BF was called an "ass" as well. But it hard to explain PTSD to others and they need to fully get the picture before making judgement. It's difficult to discuss this with my friends because they don't understand. Educate yourself in this forum or do some researching on the web. I am more than happy to send you some links if you would like. Also are you sure he is suffering from PTSD? Especially since you mentioned that he wouldn't get help. There are other personality disorders than can be similiar. I had an ex who had a passive aggressive personality and he would avoid me for days/weeks when we fought.

 

[sthrngirl]

Since I've posted this thread he has gotten better and I have adjusted. He recently told me that I'm not like the other woman he has been in a relationship with because I haven't once been mean or "crazy" and I'm like why would I? I think he expects everyone to run away. He has told me many many things about his past that are awful and most people don't go thru yet I can relate bc some of the same things have happened to me, so we have some "bad" things in common but I understand.

He was also injured over seas about 3 years ago and still won't talk about it.. It wasn't until a few days ago I hadn't really asked and last night he just shook his head and I didnt press to make him tell me, he will tell me when he is ready.

But yes he has been diagnosed with PTSD and I've educated myself best I can. He hasn't run me off like he probably expected his moods to do, I have learned to not take it personal. We have great days and then days when we don't talk, but the great days are so great I know it's worth it.

 

[KyGirl31]

I love that! So happy for you:)

 

[sthrngirl]

Thank you! I really hope things progress with him!