I met him 3 months ago, in a unconventional way, we fell in love and the first month was bliss. I knew he had been in the army and suffered combat PSTD, but I didn't know how it would effect us until recently. He came in to visit me, then 3 weeks later the symptoms set in. A mixture of the missing, stress, and my neediness from the missing him. We moved too fast into the relationship, but we love each other like neither have ever felt before. For the first month, I made him happier than he said he's ever been in his life. Just being around me, but that feeling does pass, as it does in any relationship. And now, we're fighting against PSTD and distance to keep each other.
We met as friends but the immediate attraction was undeniable. Incredible. Something I'd never felt before. Time pasted slowly but feelings grew quickly. He said I made him happier than he's ever felt before in his life, I knew he'd had a rough go at it, but he was so light and funny. His personality is.. he's great. I can't even begin to explain him, I don't think any words could. He loves me so purely. He told me of his life and problems and past. But nothing seemed big enough to stop the growing love between us. He told me of how he dreamed of me and slept better than he has in years. He told me he loved me which is the first he's ever to anyone. And I loved him back, so deeply as if any love I thought I knew before was the smallest part of how I feel for him. Before either of us knew it, we were together. I should probably add that this is long distance. But even that seemed minuscule.
About a month after being together and in love, he was here. I was in his arms, it was beautiful. It was perfect. We were happy. There wasn't one moment in that week that I felt a frown. For the first time in my life, I didn't want to go to sleep because my life was better than my dreams. I'd stay awake and watch him in his most innocent form. I couldn't believe this man that I love so dearly could have ever seen the combat in his 18 month tour of Afghanistan and Iraq. How could this loving, full of life person come from such a unloving childhood with no dad and a worthless mom? He gave me so much love and care, I didn't think it to be possible. The morning before he left to go back to his home, we laid together in bed and time moved faster than any before. I laid and prayed to God that the alarm clock would never go off because I knew we'd have to get up and get ready for him to get on a plane that took him so far from me.. It was unbearable for me. I cried so hard. My man though, he was strong as he could be. He held me in his arms and told me it was only for a couple months. He'd be back. We were stronger than any distance. We'll be okay. He had to have said it a million times. I drove him to the airport and we sat in the lot because we had some time, and he held me close to him and for the first time, I looked up to see these huge tears form in the most beautiful eyes. My heart felt as though it fell through the floor. I knew he loved me, but in that moment, I knew it was forever. I wiped away his tears and he mine and we held each other close as we walked into the airport to send him off. I couldn't bare to let go of him. I can barely even type this out..
But we got through it. That day. He called me when he got home, and he stayed on skype with me for the most of the next week. He was hurting for me too, but I was so selfish I couldn't see past my own pain of missing him. 3 more weeks past, and he started to be distant.. Slowly at first and then to the point I had to bring it up, and he cried and told me how he was feeling the depression come back.. I didn't know it could get much worse but the next few weeks showed me how.. He pulled away from me almost entirely. He tried all he could to take care of me like he wanted but it finally got too much.
Three nights ago today, he told me he couldn't do it, that he wanted to be alone. That he wishes so bad that he could take care of me like he wants but he can't. He said he loves me so much but he has to let me go. That he'll never be able to be who I need. He said that I deserve better. That I was perfect and he loved everything about me. I took it wrong and thought I did something and he persisted to tell me how it wasn't me and everything was him. I can't bare it. I asked him if it was permanent and he said he thinks so. Because as much as he wants to be with me, he doesn't want to talk or be around anyone ever. But the tears he cried and the way he stayed with me until we both slept told me differently. Then the second day, we fought and he asked me why I can't just let it go. And became even more distant, but he called me and said "Can i stay with you until you sleep?" I, without hesitation, agreed. My baby. The next day, it seemed weird. We talked like friends, but then we got on to us and he didn't want to hear it.. He still stayed until I slept and when I think he thought I was sleeping he said "I'll never stop caring, Ash. I love you" and made his kiss noise to me like we did so often before.. Last night, he got off work late and I assumed that meant he'd just go to bed. So, I said to him "Awh, just get some rest, I won't even ask" which he knew I meant I wouldn't ask him to stay on skype with me. But he said "We can still talk for a bit if you want" " I'll call before I go to sleep".. I waited 4 hours until he was finally ready for bed and he quickly said goodnight and to have a good day tomorrow, but never called. I called his phone more times than I should, with no return. I know I shouldn't have called him so much because all he wants is space but I haven't slept alone in 3 months. I didn't sleep at all last night. I've cried all day, I had to call off work. He's still at work himself, but I don't know what to do.. At all in this situation..
I know it's not over, without a doubt in my mind. I know me and him aren't over. I think it's going to take me learning to give him space and few weeks maybe.. But there's no way we're over. Does anyone have any advice? I know I have to give him space.. And not rely on him like I am so bad right now.. But how can I help him? What can I do? He's asking to be alone but I know that's the last thing he needs..
I think he's scared of being with me. He's never loved anyone before and he's never had anyone who was always there for him. He said "I like being alone. Being alone is easy". But I know that's only because he's scared. I know he wants to be with me. And he loves me. I'm just hurting so bad because at the same time, what if we really are over or he talks himself into believing he really can't be what I need?..
I need support and advice.
We met as friends but the immediate attraction was undeniable. Incredible. Something I'd never felt before. Time pasted slowly but feelings grew quickly. He said I made him happier than he's ever felt before in his life, I knew he'd had a rough go at it, but he was so light and funny. His personality is.. he's great. I can't even begin to explain him, I don't think any words could. He loves me so purely. He told me of his life and problems and past. But nothing seemed big enough to stop the growing love between us. He told me of how he dreamed of me and slept better than he has in years. He told me he loved me which is the first he's ever to anyone. And I loved him back, so deeply as if any love I thought I knew before was the smallest part of how I feel for him. Before either of us knew it, we were together. I should probably add that this is long distance. But even that seemed minuscule.
About a month after being together and in love, he was here. I was in his arms, it was beautiful. It was perfect. We were happy. There wasn't one moment in that week that I felt a frown. For the first time in my life, I didn't want to go to sleep because my life was better than my dreams. I'd stay awake and watch him in his most innocent form. I couldn't believe this man that I love so dearly could have ever seen the combat in his 18 month tour of Afghanistan and Iraq. How could this loving, full of life person come from such a unloving childhood with no dad and a worthless mom? He gave me so much love and care, I didn't think it to be possible. The morning before he left to go back to his home, we laid together in bed and time moved faster than any before. I laid and prayed to God that the alarm clock would never go off because I knew we'd have to get up and get ready for him to get on a plane that took him so far from me.. It was unbearable for me. I cried so hard. My man though, he was strong as he could be. He held me in his arms and told me it was only for a couple months. He'd be back. We were stronger than any distance. We'll be okay. He had to have said it a million times. I drove him to the airport and we sat in the lot because we had some time, and he held me close to him and for the first time, I looked up to see these huge tears form in the most beautiful eyes. My heart felt as though it fell through the floor. I knew he loved me, but in that moment, I knew it was forever. I wiped away his tears and he mine and we held each other close as we walked into the airport to send him off. I couldn't bare to let go of him. I can barely even type this out..
But we got through it. That day. He called me when he got home, and he stayed on skype with me for the most of the next week. He was hurting for me too, but I was so selfish I couldn't see past my own pain of missing him. 3 more weeks past, and he started to be distant.. Slowly at first and then to the point I had to bring it up, and he cried and told me how he was feeling the depression come back.. I didn't know it could get much worse but the next few weeks showed me how.. He pulled away from me almost entirely. He tried all he could to take care of me like he wanted but it finally got too much.
Three nights ago today, he told me he couldn't do it, that he wanted to be alone. That he wishes so bad that he could take care of me like he wants but he can't. He said he loves me so much but he has to let me go. That he'll never be able to be who I need. He said that I deserve better. That I was perfect and he loved everything about me. I took it wrong and thought I did something and he persisted to tell me how it wasn't me and everything was him. I can't bare it. I asked him if it was permanent and he said he thinks so. Because as much as he wants to be with me, he doesn't want to talk or be around anyone ever. But the tears he cried and the way he stayed with me until we both slept told me differently. Then the second day, we fought and he asked me why I can't just let it go. And became even more distant, but he called me and said "Can i stay with you until you sleep?" I, without hesitation, agreed. My baby. The next day, it seemed weird. We talked like friends, but then we got on to us and he didn't want to hear it.. He still stayed until I slept and when I think he thought I was sleeping he said "I'll never stop caring, Ash. I love you" and made his kiss noise to me like we did so often before.. Last night, he got off work late and I assumed that meant he'd just go to bed. So, I said to him "Awh, just get some rest, I won't even ask" which he knew I meant I wouldn't ask him to stay on skype with me. But he said "We can still talk for a bit if you want" " I'll call before I go to sleep".. I waited 4 hours until he was finally ready for bed and he quickly said goodnight and to have a good day tomorrow, but never called. I called his phone more times than I should, with no return. I know I shouldn't have called him so much because all he wants is space but I haven't slept alone in 3 months. I didn't sleep at all last night. I've cried all day, I had to call off work. He's still at work himself, but I don't know what to do.. At all in this situation..
I know it's not over, without a doubt in my mind. I know me and him aren't over. I think it's going to take me learning to give him space and few weeks maybe.. But there's no way we're over. Does anyone have any advice? I know I have to give him space.. And not rely on him like I am so bad right now.. But how can I help him? What can I do? He's asking to be alone but I know that's the last thing he needs..
I think he's scared of being with me. He's never loved anyone before and he's never had anyone who was always there for him. He said "I like being alone. Being alone is easy". But I know that's only because he's scared. I know he wants to be with me. And he loves me. I'm just hurting so bad because at the same time, what if we really are over or he talks himself into believing he really can't be what I need?..
I need support and advice.
