Relationship New Relationship With Someone Who Is Emotionally Numb

[Abbyfan817]

I've recently started an actual relationship after years and years of being single. It started out great, we had fun. After admitting we were in an actual relationship and him asking me to be his girlfriend, he admitted to having slight PTSD which he still denies at times, saying his VA therapists diagnosed him, but he doesn't believe it.

Last night we had our first real serious conversation, and with what he was saying, he showed major signs of being emotionally numb to everyone, his children included. He said he didn't care to talk to his children because they aren't in his life, not being in the same state, not being able to talk and hang out with them. He was adamant that he did not care. He admitted when he asked me how my day was, it's simply because I want to be asked, but he did not care.. But he says every day he loves me and someday wants to marry me.

I'm confused about this, and want to be supportive in any way I can without being disrespectful. How do I tell him how I feel without causing him to be more emotionally distant or getting upset?

Any advise on how to handle and deal with this new relationship Would be helpful.

 

[Linda Lee Bogard - King]

The raw truth is best in any new relationship. My PTSD is the first thing off my list when I meet anyone new. I like the freedom of truth. It is best you know now what could happen if you ever decide to ask any questions about his family. They may be a reason for his numbness. It still should be something shared in a relationship that is intimate.

 

[nursenurse]

Tread carefully. Anyone who tells you from the onset that they really don't care how your day went, never will. That's it in a nutshell for me, I'd be outta there. And if he is treating his own flesh and blood kids like that...... 'nuff said.

 

[p-no]

Take him seriously, and take it from there. PTSD or not, he is who he is right now. And yes, he might be better in future. He might also not. I have changed to taking serious what people say to me and take it from there. I also have learned to look at what IS, and not so much at what could be or what potential there might be, etc.

If I were you, I'd ask him if he means what he says when he says that he loves you. How can someone who is emotionally numb feel love?

 

[tragichamlet]

I am married to a man who has PTSD. We have been together for almost 2.5 year and married for more than 2. We got married after 2.5 months of dating. CRAZY. I know exactly what you are talking about when you say emotionally numb. When we first got married, it was one of the most difficult things for me to deal with. i could not understand the coldness. I would cry and he would just stare at me with this vacant stare. I truly felt at those times that I could have been dying in front of him and he would not be affected by it. The first year o the marriage was difficult, but we finally have been able to manage this sucessfully. I have learned to give him his space when he has an episode....that's what I call it. He will get numb and if I'm in his face, he gets irritable so i just give him his space and do my own thing....eventually, he comes back....sometimes it is only a day, but other times it is longer. I dont know how to describe it to people because he is there physically but emotionally, it is like he is a robot....he goes through the actions, but there is nothing inside. It is strange.

I've gotten so good now that I can detect when he is having it. It hurts though, and I have to repeatedly tell myself to not take it personal. He does it when he feels threaten so he protects himself so if he gets hurt, he wont feel anything. When he is not having an episode, he is the most loving, romantic, affectionate man....but when it happens, he becomes soooooo cold. I dont recognize him.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

He seems to be in denial.

There's really no such thing as a "little PTSD". If you've got it, you've got the whole shebang.

And, if his doctors can see through his denial and hiding, then I'd say it's worse than you know. PTSD is notorious for being misdiagnosed and un diagnosed. I have a feeling he may be minimizing for your sake or to appear more normal.

But, I agree with the others. Accept the fact that he doesn't care or move on. Don't ever go into a relationship expecting things to change.

 

[Hashi]

As ScaredofLonely says, you can't have "slight" PTSD. This sounds like he's downplaying it to both you and himself.

Numbness, denial, minimisation and lack of emotional connection are common. I think tragichamlet describes it well. You'll also see this in many posts here. If your guy doesn't accept he has PTSD, that adds quite a challenge to how the two of you will manage this in the relationship.

In your post you don't seem to be wondering about what this relationship can give you. You've only asked about how to support him without upsetting him. My advice would be to check in with yourself about what you want from a relationship, and whether it's realistic to think that's available to you in this one. If this does seem to offer what you want/need (right now, as others have said, without expecting anything to change), then I'd suggest you bring that into your talks with him. Remember that you and your life are important too.

 

[Linda Lee Bogard - King]

Having PTSD and living with someone with PTSD, is eye-opening. My partner and I recognize each others triggers, we can't lie to each other... we know what we are doing to each other when an episode occurs. You can be emotionally numb, but it doesn't mean you can't 'love' someone - we have trouble exposing our feelings, expressing our thoughts, but after the air clears - we know it's PTSD, not the person. We say stupid things to each other. But we do mean it when we say, I love you. It just so happens, as it does in all relationships, PTSD or not, love, makes us all CRAZY! If the relationship is unbearable, fearful, depressing, etc.. then love isn't the problem.

 

[The Albatross]

In your initial post, the fact that he ignores relationship with his children because they are in another state is a big yellow flag. I would seriously be asking myself, why I would want to invest my time, effort, and psyche to a person who thinks that way. What is the pay off in this relationship for you? There is always a pay off.

Keep in mind that he is being very candid and transparent with you about his feelings. Should you decide to enter into a longer term or even marital relationship with him... well, he is no "pig in a poke". He is laying it out for you, as he is.

My mother told some young people (I wish she'd told me) to filter the relationship through these three things. No exceptions, no "buts" about it: Do you love him (unconditionally)? Do you like him (unconditionally)?, Can you live with him (unconditionally)? If any of the three you waiver on, I would reassess the relationship pronto.

To his credit, he is being frank, candid, and honest. Only you can know if you can accept him as a marital partner and commit to him long term.

 

[nursenurse]

I'd be giving my head a serious shake on that one. It all sounds fine and good in the throes of love at the beginning. Imagine 25 years of it. Someone who already told me he doesn't really care about my day. I lived that with a non-PTSD Ex Boy, and I quit. Never, ever doing that again. That's a lot of days of not being cared about. Imagine the damage he is doing to his children. Why would your future ones be treated any differently?

I love Albatross' three conditions, I am going to write them down and carry them with me forever. And I ain't no spring chicken :D

 

[The Albatross]

When I asked my mom why she didn't tell me that (I over heard her conversing with a troubled very young woman at her volunteer commitment), she replied "Well [my name], you wouldn't have listened to me anyway." I don't think she was right about that. But it was such a good bit of observation I kept it.

 

[Linda Lee Bogard - King]

My boyfriend read my comment and all I got was this, "Moonbeam!"