Relationship Is this something you can expect in a relationship with someone with CPTSD?

[empathuniverse]

I hope this message is allowed as I’m searching for some clarity. I’m not trying to blame or upset anyone, sorry if it might look like this.

I was/am “in a relationship” with someone who has CPTSD, she grew up in a family with NPD. She told me right from the start that she has CPTSD but couldn’t tell me how I could support her. At the moment she ended contact again for the 6 or 7th time. I’m blocked everywhere and I leave her be.

I have read a lot about it on internet but some of her behaviour just doesn’t seem to make sense:

• On my socials I occasionally add some new friends. She literally does some sort of background check on the female ones (old classmates, neighbour).
• She found posts on socials in which I was tagged of which I didn’t even know I was tagged in, years ago.
• She can go from very sweet/caring to cold/arrogant/angry and back again within minutes.
• One moment she wants kids, the next moment she gets upset if you speak about children. Making statements that she can’t handle kids and don’t want them.
• She can make very hurtful accusations towards me. You’re a narcissist, you project, you’ve cheated on me, and many more.
• One time she loves me, the next she hates me.
• She very seldomly apologizes for accusations or behaviour
• We live apart from each other. When I’m with her, she is very sweet, lovely and seems to be happy. No arguments whatsoever.
• When we’re not together and we speak via whatsapp, we have an argument at least once or twice a week.
• It seems that the goal posts move around. One moment we agree something, the next week she has a completely different opinion about the same subject.

More hurtful things have happened like making threats and very hot and cold behaviour. One moment she loves me, I was the best what ever happened to her, gave her wonderful memories. And the next moment she says she felt used, asks me how many victims I made, and more of these painful things.

I’m still very much in love with her but don’t really know how to deal with this. Is this all behaviour I could expect from someone with CPTSD?

Its common for children of Narcissists to have Borderline personality disorder traits, look into it. Its not good that she reacts this way but maybe if she learns about it she can get help for it.

 

[shimmerz]

More hurtful things have happened like making threats and very hot and cold behaviour. One moment she loves me, I was the best what ever happened to her, gave her wonderful memories. And the next moment she says she felt used, asks me how many victims I made, and more of these painful things.

Given that we (ourselves) are the only people we can control and given the severity of things on your list and the things quoted above, I have to ask -- why are you not in therapy trying to figure out why you are accepting this and calling it love? This shouldn't be happening nor accepted in a truly loving relationship. Please no offence meant -- but in my opinion this doesn't have only to do with her. It has to do with you as well.

 

[Bobbbb]

I hope this message is allowed as I’m searching for some clarity. I’m not trying to blame or upset anyone, sorry if it might look like this.

I was/am “in a relationship” with someone who has CPTSD, she grew up in a family with NPD. She told me right from the start that she has CPTSD but couldn’t tell me how I could support her. At the moment she ended contact again for the 6 or 7th time. I’m blocked everywhere and I leave her be.

I have read a lot about it on internet but some of her behaviour just doesn’t seem to make sense:

• On my socials I occasionally add some new friends. She literally does some sort of background check on the female ones (old classmates, neighbour).
• She found posts on socials in which I was tagged of which I didn’t even know I was tagged in, years ago.
• She can go from very sweet/caring to cold/arrogant/angry and back again within minutes.
• One moment she wants kids, the next moment she gets upset if you speak about children. Making statements that she can’t handle kids and don’t want them.
• She can make very hurtful accusations towards me. You’re a narcissist, you project, you’ve cheated on me, and many more.
• One time she loves me, the next she hates me.
• She very seldomly apologizes for accusations or behaviour
• We live apart from each other. When I’m with her, she is very sweet, lovely and seems to be happy. No arguments whatsoever.
• When we’re not together and we speak via whatsapp, we have an argument at least once or twice a week.
• It seems that the goal posts move around. One moment we agree something, the next week she has a completely different opinion about the same subject.

More hurtful things have happened like making threats and very hot and cold behaviour. One moment she loves me, I was the best what ever happened to her, gave her wonderful memories. And the next moment she says she felt used, asks me how many victims I made, and more of these painful things.

I’m still very much in love with her but don’t really know how to deal with this. Is this all behaviour I could expect from someone with CPTSD?

Her symptoms sound more like Borderline Personality Disorder or NPD. I have CPTSD and was married to a woman diagnosed with BorderlinePD. She thrived on creating chaos. She accused me of all kinds of things and assigned evil motives to me. She rarely to never brought any joy or happiness to the relationship. She ended up cheating on me and trashing me to her family for sympathy. She frequently did the same in my direction - trashing her family so that I would give her sympathy. Sometimes I felt like the better diagnosis would have been NPD. Whatever it was, the relationship was a living hell. She refused to seek help and blamed me for everything - never apologized for ANYthing. She finally cheated on me and left me for a parolee she met on Tinder who beat her up. She would come crying to me for sympathy. I am glad that relationship is long over.

 

[John L.]

Given that we (ourselves) are the only people we can control and given the severity of things on your list and the things quoted above, I have to ask -- why are you not in therapy trying to figure out why you are accepting this and calling it love? This shouldn't be happening nor accepted in a truly loving relationship. Please no offence meant -- but in my opinion this doesn't have only to do with her. It has to do with you as well.

Sorry for my late answer, I just got a reminder because of the post of Bobbbb.

My ex accused me of being a covert narcissist. This has been the reason I went to a psychologist as I really thought she might be right. In order to help me get over the break up I have been in therapy (CBT and ACT). This seems to have made things worse and my old psychologist said she can't help me any further. This left me clueless and in an even worse state as before the therapy. Three weeks ago I found a new psychologist which gave me a preliminary diagnosis of PTSD. I will start with EMDR in two weeks. In my past there have happened things indeed, things which I thought where not so severe (being bullied, beaten by a teacher and a few other things). According to my psychologist at least a few of these single events could have been the cause of PTSD. At the start of the EMDR I hope to get more insight into my own traumas.

So yes, it certainly has to do with me. She was very sweet and caring for about 90% of the time and that is what I still hold on to (I know I shouldn't but it is hard to forget her). The mixed signals she gave, even after the breakup, doesn't help either.

Her symptoms sound more like Borderline Personality Disorder or NPD. I have CPTSD and was married to a woman diagnosed with BorderlinePD. She thrived on creating chaos. She accused me of all kinds of things and assigned evil motives to me. She rarely to never brought any joy or happiness to the relationship. She ended up cheating on me and trashing me to her family for sympathy. She frequently did the same in my direction - trashing her family so that I would give her sympathy. Sometimes I felt like the better diagnosis would have been NPD. Whatever it was, the relationship was a living hell. She refused to seek help and blamed me for everything - never apologized for ANYthing. She finally cheated on me and left me for a parolee she met on Tinder who beat her up. She would come crying to me for sympathy. I am glad that relationship is long over.

She once said that perhaps she should be tested on borderline. When I brought it up a later on, she denied it and said she had been tested on cluster B with very low scores. When I spoke to her after the breakup she first said she was an avoidant and later she told me that her therapist wanted to test her for autism. I start to get the feeling that she tries to diagnose herself.

I read the things you said about thrashing you to her family and viceversa, this is exactly what my ex did! According to my ex, her family and therapists think I'm crazy. And to me she said that her family have abused her, some of the family are narcissist, have autism, or bordeline...
You wrote: "thrived on creating chaos". That is something that sounds familiar as well! What she didn't do was coming back to me. But perhaps that was because I was always the one trying to reconcile with her.

Your story sound very familiar which makes me nauseous. I'm not sure what I can/should believe of the things she told me.

 

[Confusedly sad]

Thank you for your answer, all information is highly appreciated.

I never have seen any "proof" of her having CPTSD (and some other fears) other then her telling me. She is in therapy for a few years and still has more planned.

It was a bit of a sensitive subject to speak about, which I understand. The only thing she said that in the past her boundaries were crossed and that she grew up in a family with issues. Two siblings would be narcissistic and abused her. And another has BPD, that is what she told me. One of them with NPD is in therapy, the other two aren't in therapy. I only met the one with BPD and didn't noticed anything odd.

About the threats, these were all verbal, like:

1. The tables will turn
2. Everyone will know what you did (apparently her family and therapist are under the impression that I caused the breakup and is the one to blame for all painfull behaviour)
3. I will follow everything you do (which she proofed by online stalking)
4. I've got you cornered and I have proof

And more like the above. Also quite a few strange comments both during and after the relationship. Thing which at the time seemed innocent but quite ambiguous when I think about them now.

I bet $100 she has BPD too. Augh. ptsd(c) and BPD sounds like this would explain her mood swings better..but im not a licensed professional, just a BA in psychology who's reading this. Narcissists make up less than 2% of the total population or 1 in 200 people..some people are just plain selfish sadly. :(

 

[John L.]

Thanks for your answer. You aren't the first who tells me that it might be BPD, my psychologist states the same and an befriended psychologist as well. I just find it so hard to believe seen the sweet and caring girl she was most of the time. She did had weeks in a row at which she was great and caring. Is that something you could see in a person with borderline?

 

[Confusedly sad]

I hope this message is allowed as I’m searching for some clarity. I’m not trying to blame or upset anyone, sorry if it might look like this.

I was/am “in a relationship” with someone who has CPTSD, she grew up in a family with NPD. She told me right from the start that she has CPTSD but couldn’t tell me how I could support her. At the moment she ended contact again for the 6 or 7th time. I’m blocked everywhere and I leave her be.

I have read a lot about it on internet but some of her behaviour just doesn’t seem to make sense:

• On my socials I occasionally add some new friends. She literally does some sort of background check on the female ones (old classmates, neighbour).
• She found posts on socials in which I was tagged of which I didn’t even know I was tagged in, years ago.
• She can go from very sweet/caring to cold/arrogant/angry and back again within minutes.
• One moment she wants kids, the next moment she gets upset if you speak about children. Making statements that she can’t handle kids and don’t want them.
• She can make very hurtful accusations towards me. You’re a narcissist, you project, you’ve cheated on me, and many more.
• One time she loves me, the next she hates me.
• She very seldomly apologizes for accusations or behaviour
• We live apart from each other. When I’m with her, she is very sweet, lovely and seems to be happy. No arguments whatsoever.
• When we’re not together and we speak via whatsapp, we have an argument at least once or twice a week.
• It seems that the goal posts move around. One moment we agree something, the next week she has a completely different opinion about the same subject.

More hurtful things have happened like making threats and very hot and cold behaviour. One moment she loves me, I was the best what ever happened to her, gave her wonderful memories. And the next moment she says she felt used, asks me how many victims I made, and more of these painful things.

I’m still very much in love with her but don’t really know how to deal with this. Is this all behaviour I could expect from someone with CPTSD?

Please look into schitzo affective disorder and the correlation with cptsd. Big hugs

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

I just find it so hard to believe seen the sweet and caring girl she was most of the time. She did had weeks in a row at which she was great and caring. Is that something you could see in a person with borderline?

people with BPD are people too, they’re capable of being as kind and loving as everyone else, but definitely need the therapy and professional support to understand themselves and learn to manage symptoms so things like splitting don’t lead to them reacting in harmful ways to themselves and others (especially romantic partners). lack of self awareness is the killer in most things, clinical or not. if you think you’re right and have objective truth then your feelings and actions feel pretty justified, regardless of what they actually are.

that being said BPD is absolutely a big factor in toxic relationships and it takes someone actually seeing the need and wanting the help to be able to improve. you don’t have to tolerate being treated badly. she may have lovely qualities but you need to decide wether you want to stay and wait for her to get to a better place or not, and how likely that will be to happen soon.
mental illness is not an excuse to harm people, and you can’t force someone to want to help themselves. sometimes we have to hit very rock bottom to realise for ourselves.
in an ideal world she wouldn’t be getting into relationships like this before getting a handle on who she is and why she feels and behaves in xyz ways. (regardless of if it’s BPD or not).


i have a friend who i’ve known pretty much lifelong, lovely, caring person, we’ve never had an actual issue, but all her (secret, online) relationships, especially deep into pre-diagnosis times? horrible. she will attest to how bad they were and how badly she acted in those. BPD is a lot about attachment and feelings of abandonment. a romantic relationship? ripe for every trigger under the book for being more symptomatic and having the intense attachment/fear of abandonment and being hated cycle. she was taken advantage of too in relation to her BPD but also was very harmful and real instigator of pain to others (threatening self harm, suicide, etc etc) and regrets the relationships (and other friendships that got tangled up with FP stuff) that she had before entering diagnosis and support.

now she’s in that place (which unfortunately took a long string of alcohol abuse and suicide attempts) she doesn’t want to enter a relationship until she’s really comfortable with the handle and knowledge she’s getting on herself and symptoms, and life in general now that she’s much more stable and functional than before. she also wants a life of her own where she can work out who she is independent of a relationship and all the BPD stuff that follows that.

but that has taken her being in a place where / someone who got upset with the awful behaviour (towards herself and others) she was displaying and wanting to know why she was the way she was (interpersonally and personally). i think many people can definitely be that but is that now? is it soon?

from my perspective it’s incredibly difficult feat for someone with BPD to enter the support stage while actively in a relationship. just by the nature of the disorder and perspective from sufferers in my life who have been on both sides of the coin (echo-chamber VS self aware).

regardless of if she has a disorder and what that is or not, this isn’t just about wether you’re ready to see this through but also wether She is ready and that the point in her life to approach the change, and the internal and external factors against it or not.

 

[NKP]

I hope this message is allowed as I’m searching for some clarity. I’m not trying to blame or upset anyone, sorry if it might look like this.

I was/am “in a relationship” with someone who has CPTSD, she grew up in a family with NPD. She told me right from the start that she has CPTSD but couldn’t tell me how I could support her. At the moment she ended contact again for the 6 or 7th time. I’m blocked everywhere and I leave her be.

I have read a lot about it on internet but some of her behaviour just doesn’t seem to make sense:

• On my socials I occasionally add some new friends. She literally does some sort of background check on the female ones (old classmates, neighbour).
• She found posts on socials in which I was tagged of which I didn’t even know I was tagged in, years ago.
• She can go from very sweet/caring to cold/arrogant/angry and back again within minutes.
• One moment she wants kids, the next moment she gets upset if you speak about children. Making statements that she can’t handle kids and don’t want them.
• She can make very hurtful accusations towards me. You’re a narcissist, you project, you’ve cheated on me, and many more.
• One time she loves me, the next she hates me.
• She very seldomly apologizes for accusations or behaviour
• We live apart from each other. When I’m with her, she is very sweet, lovely and seems to be happy. No arguments whatsoever.
• When we’re not together and we speak via whatsapp, we have an argument at least once or twice a week.
• It seems that the goal posts move around. One moment we agree something, the next week she has a completely different opinion about the same subject.

More hurtful things have happened like making threats and very hot and cold behaviour. One moment she loves me, I was the best what ever happened to her, gave her wonderful memories. And the next moment she says she felt used, asks me how many victims I made, and more of these painful things.

I’m still very much in love with her but don’t really know how to deal with this. Is this all behaviour I could expect from someone with CPTSD?

Are you still in this relationship? Dealing with something similar.

 

[NewUser1]

hey, yeah curious if any updates John?