Relationship Is this something you can expect in a relationship with someone with CPTSD?

[John L.]

I hope this message is allowed as I’m searching for some clarity. I’m not trying to blame or upset anyone, sorry if it might look like this.

I was/am “in a relationship” with someone who has CPTSD, she grew up in a family with NPD. She told me right from the start that she has CPTSD but couldn’t tell me how I could support her. At the moment she ended contact again for the 6 or 7th time. I’m blocked everywhere and I leave her be.

I have read a lot about it on internet but some of her behaviour just doesn’t seem to make sense:

• On my socials I occasionally add some new friends. She literally does some sort of background check on the female ones (old classmates, neighbour).
• She found posts on socials in which I was tagged of which I didn’t even know I was tagged in, years ago.
• She can go from very sweet/caring to cold/arrogant/angry and back again within minutes.
• One moment she wants kids, the next moment she gets upset if you speak about children. Making statements that she can’t handle kids and don’t want them.
• She can make very hurtful accusations towards me. You’re a narcissist, you project, you’ve cheated on me, and many more.
• One time she loves me, the next she hates me.
• She very seldomly apologizes for accusations or behaviour
• We live apart from each other. When I’m with her, she is very sweet, lovely and seems to be happy. No arguments whatsoever.
• When we’re not together and we speak via whatsapp, we have an argument at least once or twice a week.
• It seems that the goal posts move around. One moment we agree something, the next week she has a completely different opinion about the same subject.

More hurtful things have happened like making threats and very hot and cold behaviour. One moment she loves me, I was the best what ever happened to her, gave her wonderful memories. And the next moment she says she felt used, asks me how many victims I made, and more of these painful things.

I’m still very much in love with her but don’t really know how to deal with this. Is this all behaviour I could expect from someone with CPTSD?

 

[Friday]

Some of them are. Some of them are reeeeally not. Whether that’s just her & her personality, or another disorder entirely? (AKA, not CPTSD but XYZ, or CPTSD+XYZ?) I couldn’t speak to.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

My wife and I are currently living apart at her request. We are doing counseling. I found it particularly helpful to read about styles of attachment. I have an obviously anxious attachment style and she is a dismissive avoidant. I am looking at it as a growth opportunity for both of us and she is slowly opening up. It is super painful but that is where the opportunity is.

 

[John L.]

Some of them are. Some of them are reeeeally not. Whether that’s just her & her personality, or another disorder entirely? (AKA, not CPTSD but XYZ, or CPTSD+XYZ?) I couldn’t speak to.

Could you tell me which ones clearly aren't? I have an idea myself but it is always good to have someone else point of view.

 

[John L.]

My wife and I are currently living apart at her request. We are doing counseling. I found it particularly helpful to read about styles of attachment. I have an obviously anxious attachment style and she is a dismissive avoidant. I am looking at it as a growth opportunity for both of us and she is slowly opening up. It is super painful but that is where the opportunity is.

I suggested to go to counseling but sadly she refused. Recently she said that she has an avoidant attachment style, I seem to be secure leaning anxious. This whole experience certainly brought up the anxious side in me.
I would really appreciated it if she would open up to me but the opposite seems to happen right now. She gave me some sort of closure, said that I shouldn't blame myself and that she loved me. But that she just couldn't, it was energy draining. "There is no point in continuing the relationship out of pity" according to her.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

Sounds familiar except my wife is participating in counseling and both are doing individual therapy as well.

 

[StarChild]

She told me right from the start that she has CPTSD

Was she properly assessed by a Trauma Therapist / Psychiatrist and got this diagnosis "officially"? Was or is she in a continuous trauma therapy? Was she able to tell you, what exactly lead to the CPTSD?

she grew up in a family with NPD

I'm sorry if I come across as ignorant... But NPD is not a disorder one gets like the flu. Will say, what does that mean that "the family has NPD"? Is it one person, two? And again, are they properly assessed and diagnosed by a psychiatrist? This all sounds quite puzzling and vague on her side. Could you elaborate, please?

More hurtful things have happened like making threats

What kind of threats did/does she make? - More details could help us help you understand this situation better. Thank you in advance.

 

[John L.]

Was she properly assessed by a Trauma Therapist / Psychiatrist and got this diagnosis "officially"? Was or is she in a continuous trauma therapy? Was she able to tell you, what exactly lead to the CPTSD?

I'm sorry if I come across as ignorant... But NPD is not a disorder one gets like the flu. Will say, what does that mean that "the family has NPD"? Is it one person, two? And again, are they properly assessed and diagnosed by a psychiatrist? This all sounds quite puzzling and vague on her side. Could you elaborate, please?

What kind of threats did/does she make? - More details could help us help you understand this situation better. Thank you in advance.

Thank you for your answer, all information is highly appreciated.

I never have seen any "proof" of her having CPTSD (and some other fears) other then her telling me. She is in therapy for a few years and still has more planned.

It was a bit of a sensitive subject to speak about, which I understand. The only thing she said that in the past her boundaries were crossed and that she grew up in a family with issues. Two siblings would be narcissistic and abused her. And another has BPD, that is what she told me. One of them with NPD is in therapy, the other two aren't in therapy. I only met the one with BPD and didn't noticed anything odd.

About the threats, these were all verbal, like:

1. The tables will turn
2. Everyone will know what you did (apparently her family and therapist are under the impression that I caused the breakup and is the one to blame for all painfull behaviour)
3. I will follow everything you do (which she proofed by online stalking)
4. I've got you cornered and I have proof

And more like the above. Also quite a few strange comments both during and after the relationship. Thing which at the time seemed innocent but quite ambiguous when I think about them now.

 

[TCC]

Thank you for your answer, all information is highly appreciated.

I never have seen any "proof" of her having CPTSD (and some other fears) other then her telling me. She is in therapy for a few years and still has more planned.

It was a bit of a sensitive subject to speak about, which I understand. The only thing she said that in the past her boundaries were crossed and that she grew up in a family with issues. Two siblings would be narcissistic and abused her. And another has BPD, that is what she told me. One of them with NPD is in therapy, the other two aren't in therapy. I only met the one with BPD and didn't noticed anything odd.

About the threats, these were all verbal, like:

1. The tables will turn
2. Everyone will know what you did (apparently her family and therapist are under the impression that I caused the breakup and is the one to blame for all painfull behaviour)
3. I will follow everything you do (which she proofed by online stalking)
4. I've got you cornered and I have proof

And more like the above. Also quite a few strange comments both during and after the relationship. Thing which at the time seemed innocent but quite ambiguous when I think about them now.

I mean it sounds like your partner is the one with BPD or is exhibiting similar behaviors because of her PTSD. As someone who treated my partner like this (the way this woman is treating you), I would say that’s likely what’s going on. (I have CPTSD and was controlling and toxic in my previous relationship for the last year we were together). She won’t notice how she’s affecting you until you leave and stand up for yourself. Or if you outright call her out for her controlling and increasingly abusive behavior but that likely won’t go well unless you back it up with taking space and grey-walling her for a bit. Not the most recommended tactic unless you back it up with actually leaving if she doesn’t commit to change permanently. My ex did that to me and it was the only way I could realize I was the one who f*cked up not her. I never expected her to leave so I didn’t have a reason to change until she did. I feel lucky to have realized it and apologized to her for it and got help, but if this woman your with doesn’t do that, you can’t be responsible for her or subject yourself to that kind of treatment. Be kind and gentle about it as you can, but be firm on your values and feelings.

 

[Roland]

I mean it sounds like your partner is the one with BPD or is exhibiting similar behaviors because of her PTSD. As someone who treated my partner like this (the way this woman is treating you), I would say that’s likely what’s going on. (I have CPTSD and was controlling and toxic in my previous relationship for the last year we were together). She won’t notice how she’s affecting you until you leave and stand up for yourself. Or if you outright call her out for her controlling and increasingly abusive behavior but that likely won’t go well unless you back it up with taking space and grey-walling her for a bit. Not the most recommended tactic unless you back it up with actually leaving if she doesn’t commit to change permanently. My ex did that to me and it was the only way I could realize I was the one who f*cked up not her. I never expected her to leave so I didn’t have a reason to change until she did. I feel lucky to have realized it and apologized to her for it and got help, but if this woman your with doesn’t do that, you can’t be responsible for her or subject yourself to that kind of treatment. Be kind and gentle about it as you can, but be firm on your values and feelings.

I had thought the same. Maybe she has BPD not PTSD. But obviously we don't know, just looking at the symptoms listed.

 

[John L.]

I mean it sounds like your partner is the one with BPD or is exhibiting similar behaviors because of her PTSD. As someone who treated my partner like this (the way this woman is treating you), I would say that’s likely what’s going on. (I have CPTSD and was controlling and toxic in my previous relationship for the last year we were together). She won’t notice how she’s affecting you until you leave and stand up for yourself. Or if you outright call her out for her controlling and increasingly abusive behavior but that likely won’t go well unless you back it up with taking space and grey-walling her for a bit. Not the most recommended tactic unless you back it up with actually leaving if she doesn’t commit to change permanently. My ex did that to me and it was the only way I could realize I was the one who f*cked up not her. I never expected her to leave so I didn’t have a reason to change until she did. I feel lucky to have realized it and apologized to her for it and got help, but if this woman your with doesn’t do that, you can’t be responsible for her or subject yourself to that kind of treatment. Be kind and gentle about it as you can, but be firm on your values and feelings.

Thank you for your answer. The thing is, she once told me that she might have BPD. A few weeks later this subject came up again. At that moment she denied having BPD and said that she had been tested for cluster B and scored very low on all symptoms.
I find this a bit odd as I read on internet that CPTSD and BPD are being misdiagnosed because they have quite some overlapping symptoms. Shouldn’t her CPTSD come up in a cluster B test as well?

I haven’t spoken her since about two months and I’m worried that it is really over. During our last conversation I told her that I have noticed a lot of hot/cold behaviour, push/pull and that this behaviour hurts me.
She did apologize and said she didn’t recognized this behaviour in our relationship and that it never should have gotten this far between us. During our last conversation she also told me that she was extremely jealous and couldn’t stand seeing me with someone else. Followed by her saying to live my best life and go find someone else.
I still love her very much and would like to get back in touch with her again, certainly not ready for close contact with someone else.

I had thought the same. Maybe she has BPD not PTSD. But obviously we don't know, just looking at the symptoms listed.

I know it is impossible to determine what she has and to be honest, it doesn't change how I feel about her. But it might had helped me to support her and find peace in the situation.

 

[TCC]

I know it is impossible to determine what she has and to be honest, it doesn't change how I feel about her. But it might had helped me to support her and find peace in the situation.

Yeah it seems like regulardless of diagnosis she has a lot of rejection and abandonment issues that she seems to be taking out on you in a toxic way. I think even though she apologized, I don’t think she fully realizes yet her role in the hurt she caused given the jealousy response. When you apologize for being emotionally abusive or toxic, you should be fully accountable and not bring up any resentment or self centered feelings about the other person you hurt. Since she wasn’t able to apologize without doing that, she probably isn’t going to change any time soon. Not until she realizes how problematic her behaviors were and is able to be fully accountable for that. She should understand your decision to leave and value your choices and feelings separate from what she desires, if true respect and understanding is present.