General New Supporter Male

[Jeremy]

Hey guys I want to start by saying thank you for this site and all the information you all share. I have been reading this for about 3 weeks now and its really helped me out alot. I am a 24 male with a fiancee that went through an abusive relationship that drug her to new york and florida..

I feel like our relationship has really helped her grow and get to a good spot in life. I got her to get therapy and her first real night was tonight.. I feel great but she has been at her mothers (who i love) telling her all about it for 3 hours now. I'm happy for her and glad she is talking, but the natural instinct for me is why cant the person that has helped her and been her rock when no one else was not a person you wanna go talk to first and most?? I know I am being selfish and that is why im ok with it but I want to know if this is a natural feeling? Her family was never really there to dig in deep and talk to her and get her to open up, but as soon as i do some dirty work and go through the struggles it seems like everyone wants to act like they were here all along and are the ones she needs to be with...

Am I wrong to feel this way or should I feel hurt???

 

[Pale Warrior]

Hi Jeremy,

Honestly, if you are going to live your life with a PTSD sufferer you will need to develop a rhino hide, teflon shoulders and a good suport network of your own.

If she has a formal diagnosis and an experienced therapist you stand a chance of getting through this. Ofcourse, with the proviso that she goes through with the therapuetic process, it can be very painful and the immediate aftermath of a session can itself be traumatic.

Also, you don't say how long you have been together, but as you are 24 it is not likely to be more than a few years. I guess she may have had a relationship with her mother for her entire life. No contest.

If you are getting jealous over this or questioning her priorities, I would question your role in the relationship. Many men, and I have had a few of them in my time as a sufferer, like to be the saviour/protector which can evolve into controling.

 

[Jeremy]

Yea its been a year. And I understand the controlling part and I dont want to be like that. Its just that last night I felt like I was the one that did get her to open up when no one else could and now that I've been through all the hell, I felt like I deserved to hear if she was ok and how things went in her session yanno. And I know feeling like that was wrong but I guess I was just hurt and felt like I helped a lot and was her main support, and now I'm getting shuffled out now that shes in this position.

Before me she didn't have a good relationship with her family at all and I've really focused her on them and becoming close with her family again.

Thanks for reply I do get what your saying its just hard I'm so new to this.

 

[ProudWife99]

Its just that last night i felt like i was the one that dis get her to open up when no one else could and now that ive been through all the hell i felt like i deserved to hear if she was ok and how things went in her session yanno.

Read this carefully, as I wish someone would have said it to me.

When you're in a relationship with someone with PTSD, what you think you deserve and what you get are two totally different things. She doesn't owe you a "thank you" for helping her open up. Hell, when I begged my husband to seek counseling it wasn't so he would thank me later. I didn't give a shit about his words. I wanted him to be healthy, happy, and good to and for me. Him continuing through treatment regardless of how difficult it was on him was thank you enough.

You're certainly allowed to feel bummed that she went to someone else before coming to you. For a long time in my marriage I spoke with my mother about things before my husband, because he tried to fix me. Even in all his struggles he wanted to be my hero. I didn't want a hero and I never expected to be his.

There is no physical reward for being the reason someone decides to get help. We don't wear medals or have trophies. We just get the satisfaction of knowing that we can provide comfort to someone we love.

 

[wife of]

Maybe if the session caused her to have a few realisations she may of had things she needed to address in that relationship that she is not ready to share right now or maybe she had realisations about how supportive you have been and simply did not wish to add to the burden.....!

 

[Pale Warrior]

just hard im so new to this

Too right, hard indeed, very hard and hurtful.

There are so many "fine lines" and so much double thinking, "what's me, what's him/her, what's the PTSD" and of course the eternal: "where do I make a stand and when should I suck it up and back away".

Not to forget, the "am I trying to control him/her or do I need to push this issue to protect myself or the relationship".

However it goes for you, you do need to ensure your own sanity by having life of your own, not getting hung up on being a supporter/saviour.

Best of luck, x

 

[Jeremy]

Thank you all its just i read about boundaries and i dont know where to set them and she wants me to tell her what im feeling and shes so hypervigilant that she knows something is wrong. Well thank you all for lending an ear and support it means alot i feel like i have some pple i can truly talk to and that is amazing for me

 

[ProudWife99]

Jeremy, I don't think there are any rules against telling someone how you feel. Just remember that, at times, she may not be able to handle or respond the way you would prefer.

Boundaries vary from relationship to relationship, so you'll have to figure out where they'd be the most beneficial for you. I will not be screamed at, so if my A starts screaming I walk away. He can keep screaming at the wall for I care, but the boundary there is that I will not be screamed at. I will also not be called stupid. If he uses the word stupid, regardless of how calm he seems, I walk away. He can call the wall stupid, but he cannot call me stupid.

Things like that may seem small, but it allows you to continue to have respect for yourself and understand your own worth, even if in that moment your sufferer cannot. If I was still being screamed at and told how stupid I was every day I would feel so terrible about myself I would be no good to anyone. Because he cannot rationalize what I need in terms of respect, I make it completely clear. If you DON'T give it to me, you'll be alone until you can.

Hope that helps.

 

[Barberian]

Sometimes people need someone of the same sex to talk to about the tough stuff they have gone through or discovered about themselves. When I go to my mother inlaws with my wife I often fall asleep in the chair as they talk about "girl stuff".

My wife is the supporter. Sometimes I'm GLAD my wife wants to talk to her friends about "life" instead of me. I don't take offence to it most of the time.

Although you are an important part of her life, you can't be EVERYTHING to her. That would make her dependant on you for her self validation. Be glad for her she is strong enough to do things on her own without you from time to time. Many PTSD sufferers can only deal with their supporter which makes life tough for everybody involved.

 

[LizardViolet]

Honestly, if you are going to live your life with a PTSD sufferer you will need to develop a rhino hide, teflon shoulders and a good suport network of your own.

Left out a vast reservoir of patience. Be patient. She will talk to you when she's ready. Take deep breaths. Be calm.

Another thing is, this is a pretty new relationship. Maybe you feel a bit insecure. That's fine. Ask for what you need from her, within reason, within the scope of what you know right now she can give you. And then do your best to be OK with it.

This is a long, long road you're on. Take it one step at a time.