New therapist throws me for a loop

[Angelwings]

My new therapist is really nice. We talked about getting my abuser (my father) out of my life for at least the next two months. She doesn't think I will make progress if I'm still in the abuse (which is a new concept for me, I thought the abuse stopped at 17). I am afraid to tell my parents that I am not going to talk to them for a while. They will not like it. I know it has to happen I just can't seem to find the courage to call them. How do I take that first step?

 

[Friday]

How absolutely necessary is it that you tell them?

 

[Angelwings]

I'm not sure. They do come over unannounced once in a while, sometimes to see my aunt, sometimes to see me. My mom calls pretty often. If I just dissappear or stop answering their calls they may just come to my house to see why.

 

[hithere]

I had to do this for a time. I wrote a letter in a note card. I "asked" to please give me the space and time I need to deal with some private issues. Please do not call me or come over. When I am ready I will reach out to you. It may be a month it may be more. It may be less. I am asking you to respect my wishes and to care enough for me to not contact me for awhile. I still went over to their house for large family gatherings such as neices or nephew birthday celebrations. Easter, etc. The only reason for that was I had two small kids who adored their cousins and aunts and uncles, and yes even grandparents. So I did not keep my family away from these celebration gatherings. Those were very awkard and I'm happy to say they did for the most part leave me alone. My dad acted all sad and dejected. That was hard but I did not give in. I should have stayed away longer.

 

[Angelwings]

Wow. Good to know. Writing would be way easier than calling. Are you thinking about getting more space from them in the future?

 

[Friday]

Sometimes it’s worth the big dramatic fight.

Sometimes just letting people know you’re not going to be very reachable for the next few months, neatly sidesteps that. They want to know why? You didn’t want them to worry, it’s nothing major, just expect to be busier than usual.

Sometimes it’s better to just let things happen organically. Distancing yourself purposefully, but also gradually.

There are a lot of different ways this can go. Informing them in advance? Is only one way.

...One of the patterns that distance can teach is not “having” to tell your business to any and all. You don’t “have” to inform people of your plans before/during/after. No one is owed an explanation. We give those to people we care about, but are not required to. Even if it’s a job/boss, you don’t have to tell them you’re not coming in this week. Being fired is the consequence of that, so it’s generally avoided, but it’s not like they’re going to drag you out of bed and force you at gunpoint to go to work, or to call in. Doing either is a decision we make.

 

[hithere]

Wow. Good to know. Writing would be way easier than calling. Are you thinking about getting more spa...

well, this was a long time ago. My kids are now adults and having their kids. So about 4 years I greatly reduced my contact with my mother but I did so by just not coming over and not calling. I used to put it on the calendar one visit for one hour each week, and one 20 minute phone call. That was until I started therapy again this is decades later. Since I'm not parenting, my body says it's time to deal with this stuff. So since I started therapy again I only call when I am strong enough emotionally. I feel very guilty about it because my mother isn't the same anymore really. She is very healthy and very mobile and has lots of friends, but I know I have an obligation but I am not fulfilling it. Maybe when and if I ever feel strong enough.

edit: within the past recent 4 years I've greatly reduced contact. two decades ago after not being around them for about 6 months I started going around the again. There is some good from that. Honestly, though, it delayed my healing. It really just perpetuated my sick way of interacting and caused me to really force denial and minimize everything. I desperately wanted these people to like me, but it was just never going to happen. I at least had an uncle and an aunt who cared about me and my grandparents cared about me, but did not understand me. so that helped a lot.

 

[Angelwings]

I suppose you're right, @Friday . I'm still in my people pleasing mode. It's hard for me to think that making them angry is safe.

 

[hithere]

Sometimes it’s worth the big dramatic fight.

Sometimes just letting people know you’re not going to...

This is really good. I wish I had had some sort of realization of this. It really is none of their business. It becomes very confusing when the brainwashing combined with certain born personality traits combined with "love" are so entangled. It's hard to see "the truth" This is really freeing.

 

[Suzetig]

Shes right that you can’t deal with past abuse if it’s not in the past - for me that’s meant deciding the level at which I engage with my wider family. Some relationships are close, some aren’t. I see my dad occasionally and always on my terms.

You don’t need to make a big announcement, just let arrangements drift. If they arrive to see you, welcome them in but “sorry I’ve got go out in 20 mins or so - dentist/optician etc appointment”, gather your things and go. If they call to say they’re coming over, decide if it’s ok with you and if not say you’ve got other plans and would X be ok (for me usually coffee in a public place).

It’s not necessarily about having no contact at all so much as having contact on your terms that you can manage.

 

[Laurie2001]

I totally get this. I decided to stop contact with my mother other than my daughter having visits with her. But it took a lot for me to get to the place where I felt entitled to not see her. The past was an issue for sure but also after my father died the relationship became really toxic and coincided with me beginning to face my PTSD which was super intense. I tried everything to communicate with her including family therapy which was traumatizing in itself. Finally I realized there was no getting through to her and no stopping her hurtful behavior. Nevertheless, I needed a lot of support both from my therapist, DBT group, and husband to stop contact with her but it helped me so much. I have been doing better than I have in years. So I'll just say that I support you, but also imagine you will need a lot of support from you're therapist and anyone trustworthy to do this and to help you figure out the best way for you to distance yourself.