Supporter New To Here, And In Need Of Advice

[dr23]

Thank you for letting me join your network. I am a single mom of 3 daughters, and have been in a wonderful relationship with a man who has PTSD.

He had a total of 11 tours in Iraq/Afghanistan and saw a lot of bad things, did a lot of bad things (in his mind), etc.

The first year of our relationship was one out of a fairy tale. I have never been treated so well emotionally and physically. He was my rock. We were engaged, had our invites sent out, things were great, then about 2 months ago he just changed. He called off the wedding, has been cold, distant, affectionate and my hearts is breaking. He wont get treatment for his PTSD, and he wont talk about it. I am assuming his PTSD is what is causing this turmoil and change in our relationship, but I know I cant ask him if that is what is going on.

He swears nothing is wrong and he just wants to move our wedding date, but his actions, and now his words say something else. I can't talk to him about us, because he starts being mean when I bring anything up.

I love him so much, and I want to stand by his side, but my fear is that he will never get past this.

I have my 3 girls I have to worry about as well. We have moved in with him, etc... he made so many wonderful commitments to me and my girls and now he has completely changed. I don't know him anymore. I feel like a death has occurred. I don't know how to handle this, how to help him, etc.

Any advice? Thank for listening, and now I am off to read the other boards.

 

[amethist]

Hi dr23

Welcome to the forum.

Sounds like PTSD anxiety issue to me, and with him becoming mean when you mention it, could mean he is trying his best to deny anything is wrong.

Come down to the supporters area, where you will find loads of useful info, as well as others who will understand what this is doing to you and your family.

If he is treating you well when you dont mention it, then for now except that and don't, but dont let him walk all over you either.

Reading the "Sticky notes" at the top of some sections will help you understand a bit more of what could be going on with him right now.

Also read this thread, as it will explain abit more of what could be going on with him.

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/[/DLMURL]

Just remember, no matter what he says this is not about you, it is about what is going on in his head right now.

Take care of you and your girls first, then look after him when you are able.

Amethist

 

[Nancy2809]

Hi,

Your story sounds similar to mine, but I am married and the symptoms didn't come out until 3 months after we were married and 6 months after he had returned from Iraq the first time. I am still learning about PTSD by reading books and ordering audio CD's that I can listen to in the car where he can't hear. I wish I had some advice, but I am sure others here are well more qualified to give that to you. But I guess I just wanted to say, I understand the rejection you feel when you might feel him change towards you just for asking a question. I truly understand and hope it gets better for you both and your girls.

Nancy

 

[want2cope]

I just wanted to say that I am sorry you are going through this. I do not know what I would do if I were in your situation. I hope you find support, help, and encouragement here.

 

[JohnJohn]

dr23 welcome,

Hang in there. I know you are in a tough spot, especially when you are not getting much feedback from your loved one on what is going on or getting relationship feedback that we like to have from loved ones.

First of all take care of yourself, you will see that time and time again on this site and it can not be said enough. If you get worn out then you can not take care and support loved ones, much less yourself of children. Second, if he won't get help or admit there is a problem that does not mean that you can not get help. I sought domestic abuse thearapy to understand my wife's position. It helped me and showed her my positive response to its' help, so it encouraged her to seek it also. It is still a long road and she is still reluctant, but progress is progress and the more positive you are the more it compells loved ones to follow your path. Negative, adversarial positions and the tough love approach are not very effective on an issue that largely revolves around "control" and traumatic events tend to make us feel that we are not in control over our life or mind.

If you push that is taking away their control more and they probably won't react well to that, believe me.

Everything here is an opinion, so do not feel lke it must fit exactly. But, if you seek out a military spouse PTSD support group or stay in here long enough you will get an idea of what course is best applied for you. Either way take it slow and be prepared for your loved one to move slowly with this process. Supporters can move toward progress faster than sufferers. That may be frustrating, but we need to steel our resolve with that in mind and know our limits, so we do not over do it.

Hang in there. You are not alone and among friends and supporters now.