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Sufferer New To Ptsd And Recently Diagnosed With Ptsd, Depression, Anxiety Disorder

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DCP

New Here
Hi,
I have been recently diagnosed with PTSD, depression, and anxiety disorder.

My problems really began when I was 19 and involved in a fatal car accident in March 1990. While driving to school with a friend a car pulled into an intersection and I swerved to the left to go around the car not realizing there was an oncoming car. I hit the other car head on killing the two women in the other car. I can still see the drivers body. Her name was Rosemary. She was partially ejected. I see the green antifreeze flowing down the asphalt. I can still feel the gritt of broken glass in my mouth. It doesn't go away.

After the accident I never spoke of it to anyone including my family. I essentially buried it. And kept it buried. It was only brought up in the context of court appearances or attorney meetings.

I essentially kept it buried for years. About 4 years later my dad developed demensia/Alzheimers. Since I was the youngest and still lived at home, I and my mom were his care givers. This occupied my thoughts. It finally became overwhelming for us so we had dad placed in a nursing home in 1999. It was too much. During this time of calm I had a horrible time. Without having the distraction of taking care of my dad, the memories of the accident began to come back.

I had night terrors, night seats, flashbacks, crying spells, severe depression, and a suicide attempt. Then about a year and a half after my dad went into a nursing home my mom was diagnosed with cancer. Still living with her, I became my mom's care giver. I was once again distracted by another crisis. She was diagnosed in January 2001 and my dad passed away in December that year.

I continued helping my mom until she went in remission in summer 2004. It was then that my sister was diagnosed with cancer and I took on the role of care giver once again. My mom looked after her children and I would take her to her medical appointments, run errands for her. When my sister's cancerous tumor was removed and cancer was no longer detected, my mom's cancer returned. I was back to being her care giver until she died in December 2006.

It took me a long time to deal with my mother's death as we were very close. After I got past the worst of the grief of losing my mother, the ghosts of the accident began to resurface. It got to the point early last year that I started to have suicidal thoughts and planned my suicide.

I reached out to a coworker who pushed me into therapy. It has gotten better but not good enough. I was diagnosed with PTSD, Anxiety Disorder, and Depression. My therapist has tried to persuade me to take anti-depressants but I have resisted. Until now.

I have recently been through a rough period in January and today was prescribed Xanax and Celexa. Has anyone had experience with these meds? Any advice or suggestions are greatly appreciated.
Thanks
 
Welcome to the forum. :)

I am sorry that all that happened to you. It must have been very hard to have to watch your family go through all that.

In my case medication helped me a lot. It set a foundation so I could recover but medication is not for everyone. Is there a reason you have been resisting it?

Wishing you some peace,

Ayesha
 
Thanks for your reply Ayesha. I feared the side effects and the stigma of meds. I also felt that it was a sign of weakness. That I couldn't "suck it up and deal with it." And be "and be man" and get over it. It has come to a point that I realize that I need some help. I can't cope on my own. I became afraid that without medication that my suicidal thoughts would lead to me killing myself. That is what led me to therapy. I was afraid that unlike before, I would go through with it this time. I hope the medication helps me move on.
 
Hello DCP and Welcome to the Forum.

I have taken antiDs too and they were very helpful for me

Now I am weaning off them. I didn't take them for many years and I regret that now for the wasted time.
 
Anti-depressants make me more suicidal, so I don't take them. But they do work for most people.

Hi, DCP. Welcome to the PTSD forum. You will find some good information here, as well as caring, kind, supportive people.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I am also sorry you were not able to get help for it right away. I do hope you are able to talk to your therapist about everything. I know that will help, as they can give you ways to deal with everything.

I've seen several dead people and know the impact that has on a person, as well as lost loved ones and the hurt that can cause. As for sucking it up, that is so wrong. Too many men have that ingrained in the brain, and all that does is turn you into a person you don't want to become. Just like when others tell us to "get over it". As if that is an easy thing to do. And gee, why didn't we think of that? How kind of them to tell us.
 
Hi DCP,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

You've been through a lot the past years and it seems that PTSD symptoms sometimes really flair up after life has calmed down. It seems that life can keep a person too busy to process as they are just moving in survival mode.

Medication is a personal decision and it can really help a person to become more stable and process the things they need in order to get better. Processing trauma is difficult and it is critical to be stable and able to use positive coping methods as you work through it.

This site is a great source of information and support as you work on healing.

Wishing you much success.

Debbie
 
Thanks everyone for the supportive and kind words. I have just begun taking the meds and have been told that it may take a month for me to receive the full effects.

It is true Debbie that when I am busy and have distrations the PTSD and depression tend to be less active. It is when I have down time. When I have time to think. I have been supressing my bad thoughts and memories for so many years and have been successful at tamping them down because I have had other obligations in my life. But after getting past the grieving for the loss of my mother, I haven't had anything to distract me and any occupy my mind. As a result, I have had so many old traumas come to the surface and consume me and overwhelm me.. After going to therapy I have learned that these traumatic events have affected me much deeper and more prevasive effect on me.

Therapy is going okay but I still get into ruts with deep depression and dispair. These usually happen when I experience stress or get a trigger which sends me in a downward spiral. I am hoping the meds will keep me from falling too deep into depresion and don't get the suicidal thoughts anymore.
 
Hello DCP,

I'm sorry to hear about your car wreck experience that seems to have become "stuck" in your body.

You asked about xanax and celexa. I've taken both of those in the past year. Not to scare you, but xanax can become addictive for a lot of people. You might try an alternative like klonopin. In my personal experience I think xanax can work if you stay aware of how much of a tolerance you're getting an adjust it accordingly and you definitely wouldn't want to quit it cold turkey
 
welcome! Death is so terrible to witness. It is also what my PTSD stems from.

I am currently on Celexa. It levels me out. My PTSD leads to extreme mood swings and the Celexa helps with that. My dad was an alcoholic so I do not take anything that is addictive. Xanax has caused problems with several people I love but I know that it helps so many people who do not have an addictive personality. I do encourage you to be careful with it.

Just remember, medication doesn't have to be permanent if you don't want it to be.
 
When I was 18 (April 1998) on my way home from college I experienced pretty much the same scenario. A car was turning, so I began to turn in behind them heading the same direction. As I crossed traffic a small car roughly the size of a Mini Cooper suddenly appeared from behind the turning truck, which was a Dodge Dually. Due to the size differences it was impossible to see the other car. Just like you DCP, I still see the graphic images. I see the lifeless body amidst the blood and vehicular fluids. I watched them cut his lifeless body away from the mangled car... and for 13 years never spoke of it to anyone. If you spoke of it to me, you never spoke to me again.

Meds can help. I have taken Xanax but not specifically for this. My anxiety medication from my T is Klonipin. Although I stopped my treatment altogether after about a year. I stopped taking all my meds. 6 months later I feel like I am regressing but the anniversary was a few weeks ago too. Just feel like a mess right now. It is hard to concentrate at work and I know that I have a wife and daughter who depend on me to hold it all together but sometimes I feel like it is useless.
 
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