Supporter New To Ptsd, New Relationship With Ptsd Sufferer

[Chloekim]

Hi. I have been dating a woman with ptsd. She had some trauma, many traumas. We have been dating for about 4 months. She had issues with my parenting of my son. We were seeing each other about every day. She was not working at the time and now she is working full time too. Then suddenly, we are barely seeing each other 1 time per week. She says she has set bounderies and that she isnt going to let anyone pass those bounderies. I try to compromise and improve, but its not enough and this hurts me quite a bit. I know she is going through some stuff. I think some of it has to do with my parenting mirroring her parenting when things were difficult and the one of the traumas was going on. I dont know what to do. Any suggestions? Why this sudden space? I don't understand. I try to, but I don't know what to do.

 

[Nebulustrix]

Raekai,

Space is healthy! :) I know that can be hard when you seem to be faced with a sudden wall, but relationships are healthier when you are both able to have time to yourselves, to be yourselves. It also gives you both time to think about how you meld into each other's lives when you are together, to put your brain to use analyzing your emotional responses, internalizing your thoughts and feelings, and seek the input and advice of friends and family.

It is possible she was spending the amount of time with you she was, because she needed that extra support. She needed the connection and attachment of your relationship to help rebuild her confidence, and now that she is working she is starting to feel ready to face the world and rebuild her sense of self. It can be hard to do that when spending all your free time around a significant other, because there is no time for "self" only "us".

Support her, encourage her, be happy for her success, and make sure that the time you do spend together is fulfilling and enriching.

 

[Chloekim]

The thing was, we had space before. Maybe I misrepresented. We would have usually 2 days a week where we would have our separate days. I am happy for her sucess. I know space is healthy. I am willingly giving her space. But I am also feeling abandoned too. I am encouraging her and supporting her. I do not understand the pulling away. I knew she needed space but usually it only took a week before. This has been 3 weeks of seeing her 1 day a week. She pulled away emotionally, physically and it just hurts me.

 

[Nebulustrix]

Hmmm... "pulled away emotionally" does put your explanation in a bit of a different light than I was originally reading. Have you attempted asking her, in a non-threatening way, why she is sharing less with you emotionally? And when I say in a non-threatening way, I mean being aware of your surroundings, timing, body-language, tone of voice, etc when you approach the question. Something as simple as being seated next to her as opposed to facing her can make a world of difference in making it feel more comfortable and less threatening.

You might also try explaining to her how you are feeling right now. Let her know that you feel abandoned and that you miss the openness you used to have. Then offer some kind of compromise/agreement that will help reconcile your need for emotional support without treading on her need for boundaries. Showing respect for the boundaries she's putting in place while exerting yourself and your emotional needs will let her know that you are concerned about her, aware of her needs, and willing to put forth the effort to keep your relationship from drifting apart.

 

[Mouseshadow]

You came to the right place to learn about PTSD. The best thing I learned here was that assumptions are the root of most heartache. It's better to get the answers directly from her. I do recommend you learn about the "stress cup" analogy. It's possible that the added stress of a job has filled her cup higher than before and that is the reason you are seeing her less. Here is the link to the post on "Stress Cup Theory." https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/

 

[intothelight]

Hi Chloekim,

Welcome!

You might want to take the time to check out the supporter's section. Isolation is common with people that have PTSD, but don't assume her pulling is all related to PTSD. It is best to just to ask her when she is ready to discuss why she pulled away.

I hope you find some of the answers you are looking for.

Debbie

 

[Chloekim]

I thought I had seen some books that were posted for supporters to help them understand more. Does anyone know what books they were?