Hello. I am new to this website as a result of research trying to find help how to help, if I can, my boyfriend who has PTSD. We have been together 5 months and the first "episode" since we've been together hit about a week ago. I haven't heard anything from him, he had either removed me from his Facebook page or completely shut it down.. not sure which. He does not respond to my texts or voice mails, and the only reason I know he is going through this is because I called him from work and he answered his phone that time. He told me he was busy, asked if I remembered that he has PTSD and was experiencing flashbacks. I said okay, to take the time he needed to work through it and we would talk later. He said okay and conversation over. I've left messages or texts on his phone just to let him know I am here and thinking about him, but don't know what to do. I understand this is his battle to get through, but is there anything I can do to help? Are the messages I'm leaving helping or hurting? Does the length of time these last vary from person to person bad event to event? I'm an emotional and nurturing person... I know this should be about him, but this being cut off and not knowing if he is okay is killing me... Any advice would be much appreciated... Thank you...
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Relationship New To Ptsd Relationship - Help?
- Post starter delta1869
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nursenurse
Diamond Member
You have done all you can for now. Leave him alone. Make sure that you keep doing what you need to do for you - go out with the girls, go away for a weekend. Laugh. Live life. If you are a nurturing person, it is easy to fall into codependency.
This is so early into any relationship, PTSD or not. He may not be able to cope with a relationship right now, or he may not be into you, and is just being a weasel. If this was someone who did not have PTSD, would you tolerate this kind of behaviour?
On the other hand , it has only been a week. Give him his space. The big red flags for me is that you have either been blocked from, or he has shut down, his FB.
Whatever you do, NEVER bother him at work. Ever. Or anyone else you may be with. Work is work, you have no business jeopardizing their well being at a place that pays for their housing, food, etc. If he is not answering you otherwise, you have your answer as to whether or not he wants the relationship. Move on.
This is so early into any relationship, PTSD or not. He may not be able to cope with a relationship right now, or he may not be into you, and is just being a weasel. If this was someone who did not have PTSD, would you tolerate this kind of behaviour?
On the other hand , it has only been a week. Give him his space. The big red flags for me is that you have either been blocked from, or he has shut down, his FB.
Whatever you do, NEVER bother him at work. Ever. Or anyone else you may be with. Work is work, you have no business jeopardizing their well being at a place that pays for their housing, food, etc. If he is not answering you otherwise, you have your answer as to whether or not he wants the relationship. Move on.
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Thank you. I guess I should clarify about the phone call... I called his phone from my job, I didn't contact him at work. Should I stop with the messages/texts?
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nursenurse
Diamond Member
I would for now. You have told him, several times. Leave him be. Is he in therapy at all?[DOUBLEPOST=1401076483][/DOUBLEPOST]And sorry for the misunderstanding :) about work.
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- #6
I know what it's like to freak out during a radio silence period. It sucks. However, if I were you, I'd send a text that just says something along the lines of, "when you're ready, I'm here" or "hope all is okay, i'm here when you're ready to talk." Something that puts the ball in his court, when he's ready; leaves you safe in the knowledge that he knows you're there; and also allows you to go live your life.
As someone who has been in a relationship with a sufferer and a sufferer myself, I can tell you that contacting too much will push him away more. And that it's best to leave him with the option to get in touch with you, without asking any direct questions. If he's not in a position to respond to you right now, asking a direct question could make him feel guilty as he can't respond. Leaving it open ended allows him to respond when he can.
And it's best for you to keep moving forward through this. Know that you are worth it with or without him, it's just that his disorder pushes everything to the wayside sometimes... and really think about whether or not this is something that you can deal with. (There's no shame in saying that you can't. And it doesn't mean you don't care about him, just that until people are actively working towards their recovery, there is little we can do for them.) Here is a link to my favorite passage about dealing with someone not in recovery or dealing with hard times. It has given me strength many times before. It's written for addiction, but works for PTSD, too.
As someone who has been in a relationship with a sufferer and a sufferer myself, I can tell you that contacting too much will push him away more. And that it's best to leave him with the option to get in touch with you, without asking any direct questions. If he's not in a position to respond to you right now, asking a direct question could make him feel guilty as he can't respond. Leaving it open ended allows him to respond when he can.
And it's best for you to keep moving forward through this. Know that you are worth it with or without him, it's just that his disorder pushes everything to the wayside sometimes... and really think about whether or not this is something that you can deal with. (There's no shame in saying that you can't. And it doesn't mean you don't care about him, just that until people are actively working towards their recovery, there is little we can do for them.) Here is a link to my favorite passage about dealing with someone not in recovery or dealing with hard times. It has given me strength many times before. It's written for addiction, but works for PTSD, too.
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- #8
@delta1869, I don't think anyone is telling you to abandon him, but to go live your own life... those are two very different things. He will come back to you whether you worry or not, so invest that worrying energy into yourself (doing something kind for yourself) than spending the time worrying about him.
nursenurse
Diamond Member
How long has it been since he stopped contact?
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- #11
nursenurse
Diamond Member
I think if you have already told him you are there for him, you best leave him alone. Unfortunately, he has to come to his own conclusions, and he may come right back to you. And he may not. That is why the best thing you can do for yourself is to keep up with your own life. Honestly, in any relationship, each partner needs a life separate from the other's. Keeps the relationship fresh, should something go wrong, you have support.
Is he in active therapy, or trying to deal with this on his own?
The Facebook thing is a bit of a red flag. Do you have a friend in common that you could ask about his FB status? It is not uncommon for sufferers to go awol for a bit of time, and if he returns to you, you need to establish firm boundaries, as does he. For instance, if he does need to isolate, you need a text or something every x number of days to say he is okay, nothing more, no chatting until he is ready, that sort of thing. Some folks use the PTSD label to make excuses for not doing the right thing, for instance, not telling you he doesn't want to be in a relationship.
I am not saying to dump him at this point, I don't have enough information to give that opinion. I would however tread very carefully. Remember that PTSD is no excuse for poor behaviour, for leaving you in angst. Love should be uplifting, it doesn't matter who has what disease/illness/whatever and if it is not, then you need to rethink where this is going.
"The Post Traumatic Stress Relationship" by Dianne England is a worthy read for you. It's on amazon, not that expensive, and may help you.
Keep in mind relationships fail for many reasons, and PTSD may have nothing to do with it. it is easy for supporters also to give the sufferer a bye, oh, it's just the PTSD, when in fact, the relationship had run its course.
Is he in active therapy, or trying to deal with this on his own?
The Facebook thing is a bit of a red flag. Do you have a friend in common that you could ask about his FB status? It is not uncommon for sufferers to go awol for a bit of time, and if he returns to you, you need to establish firm boundaries, as does he. For instance, if he does need to isolate, you need a text or something every x number of days to say he is okay, nothing more, no chatting until he is ready, that sort of thing. Some folks use the PTSD label to make excuses for not doing the right thing, for instance, not telling you he doesn't want to be in a relationship.
I am not saying to dump him at this point, I don't have enough information to give that opinion. I would however tread very carefully. Remember that PTSD is no excuse for poor behaviour, for leaving you in angst. Love should be uplifting, it doesn't matter who has what disease/illness/whatever and if it is not, then you need to rethink where this is going.
"The Post Traumatic Stress Relationship" by Dianne England is a worthy read for you. It's on amazon, not that expensive, and may help you.
Keep in mind relationships fail for many reasons, and PTSD may have nothing to do with it. it is easy for supporters also to give the sufferer a bye, oh, it's just the PTSD, when in fact, the relationship had run its course.
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