New To The Ptsd World

[Look4Advice123]

Hello! I have had no real experience with PTSD until recently. My boyfriend of 6 months has PTSD. I'm SO glad I found this site. He was up front from the get go about the PTSD, which I am grateful for. But at the time I didn't understand much and didn't think it was going to be an issue. The first few weeks he was extra happy and then (as some on here have said) I saw a change. It's not as drastic as some. I understand there are so many forms of it. Through our last 2 disagreements, I've learned that a most of my issues are things associated with the PTSD (him shutting off, being cold about things that are sensitive to me). I'm learning that I need to change my form of communication when something bothers me that may be associated with the PTSD. But I also need to be strict on keeping my boundaries, keeping me happy, while being sensitive to his needs at the same time. I've read posts where people in relationships are ok with no connection (like living as roommates) for months/years. That is not ok with me. He is willing to talk to me and work on having more a connection when we're together and when there is a problem. - Which I am happy with. I'm only nervous as he's told me he's never done this with anyone else. And from reading on here, I'm worried that he could just shut off feeling and leave me with no warning. We are total opposites with emotion. I am more emotional on all aspects than most women. And he is less emotional than most men. I do love him with all my heart. PTSD is confusing.

Here's a question/example for anyone more experienced with this... something I can't seem to shake and wish I could do something about... He had a bad day at work, we are going to a get together right after. He's late, I meet him and he's grumpy and irritable with me. But as soon as he sees his friends, he's a happy outgoing fun guy, his mood is turned around. I've asked him about it, and he says he can be himself with me, with the others he needs to put on a front. I kind of understand that. But if strangers can bring his mood up, why can't I? We even got into an argument once because he was in a bad mood and I was dancing around (in a good mood), when he'd come near me I'd try to dance with him, be silly, trying to get him to smile. He blew up that I was trying to change him. I know now when he's in a bad mood leave him alone. But why can other people cheer him up and me (his girlfriend) not?? It frustrates me. When I'm in a bad mood I want him to cheer me up.

Ugh, I have so much to learn. But SOOO glad I found this site. Thanks to everyone who have been posting on these pages, I've learned a lot already.

<Full line spaces inserted between paragraphs by Amethist>

 

[Navy Spouse]

PTSD is very confusing. This is all new to me also. Only about 6 weeks into it, since my husband returned from Afganistan. I have seen my husband be perfectly "happy" in front of others. I think for short times they can put on a "show" or escape for a time. Even when it's just the 4 of us doing something as a family, we can have a really good time for hours and I think wow things are getting better. Then I'll see the anxiousness start again. Also the part I have the hardest time with is it seems that the people or person they should feel the most emotion for are the people they push away. I've read so much in the last few weeks on this subject and every time I think I have things figured out I'm confused again. Just know you're not alone and keep reading.

 

[Lady Rig]

My husband is the same way. With the guys at work he's funny, when we go places he's charming and attentive. But when it's just us he can be moody and irritable and have explosions of anger. It always confised me because I'm his wife, for cripe's sake! I thought it was me not making him happy. I blamed myself for many years. That I wasn't being a good enough wife, that I wasn't being helpful enough. He got his PTSD diagnosis just over a week ago and it explains so much of the last 6 years. It's not your fault and its nothing to do with you. I used to tell my husband that his buddies got the best of him and I got the worst. And it really does come down to him being more comfortable with you.

It's like a toddler. They can behave terribly at home, but go to a friends house and they turn into a perfect angel. It's a comfort level, and knowing what they can get away with. My husband and I are working on ME getting his best, not other people. I know it's nothing less than what I deserve as his wife. And like I said, we're just taking the first steps into this journey, so I can't really offer advice on how to survive- I'm still figuring that part out. But I do understand his behavior a little better now.

 

[Navy Spouse]

I to blamed myself. I couldn't figure out what I had done. He told me it wasn't me, but I seemed to be what frustrated him. It wasn't until I started checking into the PTSD that I realized it really didn't have anything to do with me. I find myself trying to make him happy at times, even when I feel really angry inside.
Lady Rig, I think your example of the toddler is right on. Your right we do deserve the best as their spouse. If the friends had to deal with the shit we do they probably wouldn't be friends.

 

[Lady Rig]

You're so right! I don't know how many arguments we got into because of that same thing. I told him just because I was his wife didn't mean I had to stay if he was treating me like crap. It was almost a relief to get his PTSD diagnosis. I guess it meant he wasn't being a jerk out of sheer ability, he just didn't know how to cope.

 

[Look4Advice123]

Thank you all for your responses. It's nice to know I'm not alone. It hasn't been for lengthy periods he gets like that. But I'm not sure I'd be willing to stick around if it were. As a partnership, I want to be able to share my burdens and him do the same. For me, it's hard to say, 'oh well, it's the PTSD'. I know to not bother him when he's irritable, and to change my way of communication when something bothers me. But I need to keep my boundaries and not allow myself to be treated coldly - especially when I see he can and does act nice and happy around others. This is so new to me. But so glad there are others in the same boat and it's not me!

 

[Lady Rig]

Is he seeking any treatment for his PTSD?

 

[vuduciel]

oh I am so grad to found this thread - I was going to post about this isolation issues but I just manage to come online again today so thanks Strwsundae for brought it up. I am glad that I am not the only one who get confuse here. I am too new to PTSD and I try to educate with it ever since. My bf has PTSD and I date him for two months . He been isolating him self for almost two weeks now. I come to his place the other day and he is not there and no one can tell me where he is right now also. He is not activate his cellphone anymore after 5th days of his isolation where I texted him that I wish he could tell me when he will ready to meet me and if I can come to his place. I didnt call him coz last time I called him he didnt pick up the phone and said that he was too stressed to talk with anyone. I am so confuse and dont know what to do. I cant contact him and dont know where to find him. I am worry sick and missing him so much but can not do anything. I dunno if I should wait or I already loosing him...:unsure:

 

[Navy Spouse]

Strwsundae and Vuduciel, I feel for you both being in such new relationships and having to deal with so much. I'm in it for the long haul being married 17 years and 2 kids. (We were together 6 years before getting married) I don't know if I would have been so committed if we had only been dating for a short time. It's hard when you love someone and are a caring person to let go especially when you know they need help. They have to take the first steps in getting the help and we can really only be there to support. I hate that part of it because I want to fix the problem and I can't. I told my husband I have to see that he's trying to understand his feelings and get better. It doesn't do any good for me to be the one reading everything I can, he must also. He is going to therapy and he is reading the books that I have passed on to him. He did move out for the time being, he felt he needed to get his feelings in order and was afraid he would do or say something he couldn't take back. He answers my calls, calls me on days I don't call him and comes when he says he is going to come over for family time. I hate the situation, I feel he should be home with us, but I have no choice but to support him. He's still good with our girls and I still hear I love you and receive hugs. Most the time I initiate it but atleast when he hugs back I feel like he's in there. When he first came home from Afganistan it seemed painful to him when I hugged him and his hugs were not really hugs.

Vuduciel, I think you have done all you can do for now. Try to stay busy and maybe he will contact you when he's ready.

 

[Look4Advice123]

Lady Rig, yes he is getting counseling. He seems very receptive to my needs. I see him making a big effort to communicate when there's conflict. - which was my main problem. He has also been opening up about his feelings and thought process when he's uncomfortable. I think I am lucky ... thinking his PTSD is not as severe as many cases I read and he seems to want to work on his problems more for him than just for keeping me in his life. His main thing is shutting off, getting moody when stressed, but he's never been disrespectful or physical and I don't see that as a concern. Although I still want to keep my eyes open and boundaries clear, and learn about it as much as possible.

To anyone, This may be a stupid question, but I am new to all of this... am I seeing the worst of it? I know if/when we live together I'll see more, but I'm asking, will this get worse? I'm assuming it's worse right after traumatic events. My boyfriend's PTSD was (I assume) started at childhood and got worse through a couple military deployments.

Navy Spouse, wow, you are a strong woman. I wish I could give more support to you!

Vuduciel, I'm definitely not a pro at this... but I think you should look inward. Figure out if your needs are being met. For me, I wouldn't stay with my boyfriend if he shut off 100%, no communication, no explaination for 2 weeks. But everyone is different in what their needs are. You should figure out what your needs are to be happy and healthy long term and then compare them with what you are getting from him. I will be sympathetic and alter my ways of communication to better our relationship. But I won't change or ignore my needs. 2 weeks isolated in a 2 month relationship... that's a quarter of your time isolated.

 

[vuduciel]

@ Navy Spouse, just catching up here. You must have done so much in that long periods of time..

It's hard when you love someone and are a caring person to let go especially when you know they need help.

I agree with it. I wish I could be a strong as you are. Thank you so much for the support.

@Strw Sundae thank you! Why I never see it that way, now you got me thinking. Its true its 2 week isolated in two month relationship actually you can add a week to that as this is his second time doing it..so its three weeks in two month.He really pushed me away this time. I dont know what I did wrong. I feel so evil if I have to leave him tho so I don't know about that yet.
He just get divorced from his cheated and abusive ex wife and couldn't get the shared custody that really make him sad and grief a lot as he couldn't see his son anymore and that his ex-wife will bring their son to Holland following her new husband. Also he is so homesick after 10 years being expatriate in my country ( I from Indonesia and my bf from USA) but he doesn't have enough money right now to finance his flight or the living cost while he is there and also wont let me paying it ( he is conservative) and also he said many times that he don't want to go back to US without marry me first but we couldn't get marry right away coz to have legal marriage here he must get done some document which he couldn't get yet.

I also know he is very sad now after he called his dad and he got the news that his step mom had breast cancer stage 2. He told me he is worry if his step mom cant survive and die or if his dad die soon because of his age yet he is close to them plus all those stories from his past and his childhood that really really make my heart my cry and care about him more than just a bf. I know I only know him for two month but I care and love him dearly and I feel like I know him for years maybe because he was really open and honest but when he depressed he isolate him self. He is very very gentle and never hurt me physically nor verbally. And oh because he want to built serious relation ship with me I agree to let him stay at my house for three days when he asked me and so I can also introduce him to my family but then it extended to 10 days and at the end of last month he stay again at my house for a week. He said he feel calm and relax at house. When he stay at my house he always laugh, he joke around with me, he eat well, he sleep well, chatty and my family likes him. But he cant leave his place too long as he rent it and that we haven't married yet so he went back to his place and then he got the news that his ex already married and will move to Holland etc and he text me that his psychiatric told him to isolate him self for 5 days so he can recover from the grief of loosing his son and after that I totally lost contact till today.

I wonder if PTSD can be healed? And will he be okay- I mean to his mental health ( my bf also has anxiety disorder -besides many allergies) if I leave him without talking about it first? I thought I should meet him first and asked him what was really going on and ask him whether he want to continue this or not. I just not my style leaving without giving clear explanation and especially I think I have to consider his mental health condition and what just recently happened to him and also in his past and childhood but I don't know how long is the PTSD suferer usually isolating them self..does anyone know???

I am sorry if my post too long I know its StrwSundae's thread but I dont know where I should post it and I still learn how to use this site also.

<Please remember to insert a full line space between each paragraph. Thanks Amethist>

 

[Look4Advice123]

Vuduciel, Your relationship sounds scary! What needs are YOU getting met from him? It sounds like he's using you. A 3 day stay turns into 17? He's unloading all his problems on you and talking about marriage. It doesn't seem like he is in a place in his life to have a healthy relationship. I'm glad he didn't take your money. My strong suggestion - Don't offer again or give him money! If you're already worried about his mental health if you leave (after knowing him for only 2 months) think about how it will be months from now if you leave. You can always put it on yourself, that you aren't ready for a relationship, but nicely telling him the truth might help. Either way, it should not be your burden. You should read this book... Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. You can't fix him. This is only my opinion so take it or leave it. But please try to get the book and read it for yourself.