Relationship Newbie... Glad Im Not Alone

[Mypurpose]

Hi all! So happy to have found this site. I've been feeling extremely alone and when I try to talk to friends, it only makes me more confused because they don't understand.

Starting dating this guy back in July. A army vet and now a police officer. He swept me off my feet and I fell hard. For the first 3 months things were great. The sex was good and I was happy. He told me from the beginning he had severe PTSD and has always been open with me about what he was feeling. It was something I said I could handle because even though I knew his condition, he was still so amazing so I was willing to stay the course.

After 3 months is when things started going down hill. He started to become distant. Sex and any type of affection totally stopped. The daily calls, texts and words of affection stopped too. Not fully understanding his condition I of course thought it was me and questioned his behavior. He assured me its not me and his comfortable with me now so he doesnt feel like he needs to put up that front. I started to get upset when I would notice his facebook activity. Lots of women and women flirting with him. He tells me to not be bothered by it because he literally hates everyone due to the PTSD and he uses that as an illusion to sooth his pain. He tells me he "likes" me and I should understand how big that is. Im trying but its so hard. I miss how he was...the affection and sex.

He rarely leaves the house and sleeps alot. I live an hour away and throughout this 7 month relationship I would go visit weekly or bi weekly to cook and clean. We would just lay in bed and talk and I would watch him sleep which he cant do without shaking. Even though i miss how we were...just being with him felt good. But now as he becomes more distant its hard for me to continue to drive an hour, spend money to buy groceries ( about 60 bucks weekly) and feel like Im getting nothing I need. He assures me its not me and my visits and meals are the only thing that stops him from going totally over the edge but when I see how he likes all of these womens pics on facebook and the conversations while I cant even get a good morning makes me feel some kind of way...like im being taking advantage of. I even got him christmas gifts and he didnt even bother for me. That upset me and I let my flood of emotions out. I backed away but everytime i set boundaries and stay away...i feel guilty and worry like crazy about him.

He told me he cant deal with a relationship because he needs to fix him which I'm in agreement with but he still wants me to visit weekly to cook and talk and im the only friend he has left. Ive let go of the man he was in the beginning because I know now that was an act. I have strong feelings for him and I know he cares about me but i dont think I can continue to put so much energy time and money into him only to be left feeling empty and sometimes used but I dont want to abandon him either. He said he needs me to help him get better.

Sorry so long but it feels so good to unload.

 

[mamachick]

Mypurpose-welcome to the forum. Im sure you will get lots of responses here.
I have to ask...what is in this for you?
You have only been in this relationship for a few months...good time to get out. Im sure there is someone out there that is willing to provide what you want and need. Ptsd or not, it sounds really shitty...not even a Christmas gift. The gift is not the point but not bothering is very significant to what you are settling for.

A counselor my former partner and I went to-I asked why he would lie about stupid stuff, she asked why "I would tolerate him lying"??? Point taken. Since then I have discovered why I had such low expectations. I need to fix myself first. Maybe you need to discover why you would even consider traveling to see this guy and flipping the bill to offer him cooking cleaning and loving??? I don't mean to be harsh, I have done similar and it only gets worse

 

[GrayOwl]

Thank you. That was well spoken.

You speak many truths, but are you able to accept them? Denial and fear so often cloud our ability to protect our emotions. And ourselves.

It definitely sounds like ptsd. It also sounds like an immature male and a "player". As a sufferer, I am sympathetic to him for what his illness causes, but that is not an excuse to hide behind symptoms and use and abuse a wonderful supporter. It is such a complicated issue, but this post is about "you", and my suggestions are:
***Take care of yourself first and foremost. Don't get "played" or taken advantage of. It's hard to discuss these things with ptsd sufferers - they like to go into flight mode. Bluntly, you could be screwed here. He needs to fess up and take responsibility for his actions and emotions. Most of the time when someone is looking at the menu, it's because they would like to order something, even if it's just desert. I suggest gentle, compassionate, understanding, and firm. You have the right to decide how much you are comfortable sharing him - because his energies seem to be drifting - and that suggests immaturity and selfishness more than ptsd in my book. All of which need to be addressed.
*** Be very strong. If you don't keep yourself mentally and spiritually fit, you aren't any good to either of you. You do not deserve abuse. Period. Or neglect.
*** Accept my sincere wishes for strength, healing, and honesty. For both of you. It sounds like you have had some great chemistry, that is a difficult thing to detach from, if indeed you need to. I'm sorry for that pain.
*** ALWAYS, ALWAYS, in life, in dealing with ptsd, or ptsd causing situations with trauma or triggers ( I don't know this guys' story or how stable he is), make sure you use the buddy system - someone needs to know where you are and who you're with, have escape routes planned and don't get cornered, and know where your support mechanisms are - such as police, medical, friends, therapists, family, or us.

Personally, I don't think there is anything wrong with taking some time. You can detach and drift a little yourself and the results may indicate where you should go with this. It is so hard in matters of the heart to detach and protect ourselves from harm, even if that harm is unintended by a sufferer. You'll have to make the call.

Disclaimer...as with any opinion, it's just mine, doesn't necessarily reflect a good or bad path, so I wish you the best. Be very careful and take care of yourself.

 

[Justmehere]

Your heart is in the right place. I can tell you care about him a lot too.

I agree with the others - he's a player. 1 in 3 law enforcement officers have PTSD, so I don't think it's an act that he has PTSD... but the way he is handling it is very unhealthy for you both.

He told me he cant deal with a relationship because he needs to fix him

He is right. He needs to fix him. He is the only one who can do it. Others can help support him, but they can't fix him. He has to start making some changes in his life if he is willing and ready to do the hard work of getting better.

He assures me its not me and my visits and meals are the only thing that stops him from going totally over the edge but when I see how he likes all of these womens pics on facebook and the conversations while I cant even get a good morning makes me feel some kind of way...like im being taking advantage of

No, the thing that will stop him from going over the edge is getting therapy and treatment for his symptoms. Relying on meals from you and flirting on social media is not how on keeps from going over the edge with PTSD symptoms - it's avoidance of dealing with his symptoms and building a healthy support network.

which I'm in agreement with but he still wants me to visit weekly to cook and talk and im the only friend he has left. Ive let go of the man he was in the beginning because I know now that was an act. I have strong feelings for him and I know he cares about me but i dont think I can continue to put so much energy time and money into him only to be left feeling empty and sometimes used but I dont want to abandon him either. He said he needs me to help him get better.

He needs treatment to get better. Everyone needs good friends, but not just one person and not in a context of avoiding doing other work to get better and invest in them too.

You also deserve to be able to invest in other relationships so that your relational needs are met. It seems an especially rough situation for you because you do still have strong feelings for him.

Is he going hungry if you don't bring him food? Is the reason due to finances? If so, perhaps helping him get connected to a food bank makes sense... But his expectation that you would buy him hundreds of dollars in groceries every month or else he will "go over the edge" seems strange and manipulative.

Is he working full time as a police officer? If he is so symptomatic as to be unable to manage going to a store to buy his own food once a week, then he probably needs to take leave from work... and buying him groceries probably actually enables him to stay stuck.

If you are concerned that he wouldn't be able to function to feed himself and/or would go over the edge in a way that he would be an imminent danger to himself or others if you stopped bringing him food and etc, then I'd suggest calling the local crisis line and let them know. Let them sort out getting him emergency help so he can continue to safety function and feed himself.

 

[mamachick]

GrayOwl-well said

 

[J'qel]

Okay: first things first-you need to take care of you. He isn't your child, so he isn't your responsibility.

Now, that being said; is he seeing a therapist? If he isn't, he needs one. If he refuses, then there is nothing you can do. You are not his therapist. He needs someone to be able to help him on a professional level or he won't make a lot of progress. Some folks talk about how they "made it" but that's rarely the actual case.

If he has a therapist and he is working on it, then you have to decide if you still want to be around him. It's not going to be easy, in fact being the partner of someone who has PTSD is remarkably difficult. Even as a sufferer I know how hard it must be on my husband, *especially* in my rougher points.

If your answer is that you still want to be around him, then know that having you around may indeed, help him. You're by no means obligated, however. I'm just trying to say that that part may not be a lie in any fashion.

You need to decide where your boundaries are on the relationship and if you're ready for all that it may entail. It could get really messy and if you don't have a means to keep yourself steady, it could be very rough on you. It's also going to be up and down a lot I expect, from your description. If you do decide to keep showing up, it may interfere with your other relationships you have or want to have.

Dealing with a PTSD partner is difficult at the best of times. You need to make decisions for your own best interests, and then work from there. It's not being selfish, it's just basic self care.

If you do continue on, we're all still here and will help as we can, and if you don't, it may be one of your better decisions. Neither is wrong, but both have costs, you just need to find out what's best for you and go with it. No guilt, just simple taking care of your health and best interests.

 

[Teddy Bear]

He needs to go seek help. You ARE NOT his saving grace. You can't keep him together only he can.

 

[Mypurpose]

Wow!!! You all are so awesome and make really great points. Yes he is currently in treatment. He sees someone weekly. He is currently on medical leave but will be returning to work soon. He has tried several times to walk away from policing because he says its a trigger. He was in combat in the army and have also had a couple of shootings as an officer so I know it runs deep. The night terrors, the depression the guilt. Because of this I know he cant perform sexually. During one of my cleaning visits I found viagra but didn't ask him about it. I felt a little ok that it confirmed it wasnt me. Its weird because I feel like Im suppose to be here... helping. And I feel good when Im caring for him. Im definitely an empath and I was attracted to his pain but I know without a doubt I can't fix or save him and my heart hurts for what he has been through. It's hard to tell what is the PTSD and how much of it is just him being a jerk. He told me in the beginning he feels no emotion...but when I see how he is with is daughter I know it's in him. Before I found this site I did fuss with him alot about how my needs weren't being met. I know now that is why he withdrew some but he wont just cut communication. He will let me blow up and I usually feel bad and will reach out and then he will open up about how he is feeling. And reading these stories I know just the fact he shares with me is a big deal. My friends tell me he's being manipulative and playing on my good heart but I cant help but to be drawn to him. He says policing with the PTSD makes him hate everyone and the fact Im allowed in his safe place...his cave he calls it and im allowed to lay with him while he shakes himself to sleep should show me what I mean to him. He could get any woman to come and cook but he trusts me with his secrets and his career and Im able to hang at his apt when he's working so he says I shouldn't take that lightly and it frustrates him when I question it. We arent technically together so I cant get upset with the flirting online but I dont want to feel like the dumb girl. Still dont know how to take the no xmas gift. But he said because of me it was the best one he's had in a long time. He says that evey time I visit. You made my day...or this was the best day ive had in a while. That feels good to me but also like im settling for whatever I can get from him. This truly is so hard for me. Im an emotional person. I love affection amd love to talk about feelings and I will give my last to help a friend.

 

[GrayOwl]

It means times of insecurity and life can get to be an emotional roller coaster ride. The highs are great, the lows will suck.
This is what it means to "be strong". Living life with exit strategies, as well as denying some of your needs and pleasures does require inner strength. You sound understanding and compassionate. In his line of work it won't be easy.
But everything in life is doable. And you both seem aware of much. I hope for both your sakes it goes well.
I think it is a risk worth taking. I hope a year from now you can post that progress has been made and you both are well and happy.
We'll be here.

 

[mamachick]

All disorders aside....I relate in that it feels like you might be getting crumbs, him saying "you made my day". Sounds extremely co dependent in making others happy. Of course you have to decide. I get the great chemistry stuff too...that makes it harder. I am assuming you are young, I am quite old not....but spent 30 yrs getting crumbs...its just not enough at least for me.

 

[Mypurpose]

All disorders aside....I relate in that it feels like you might be getting crumbs, him saying "you made m...

We are both in our late 30's. And you're right...it does sound very co dependent. And that is what Im afraid of.

 

[Mypurpose]

It means times of insecurity and life can get to be an emotional roller coaster ride. The highs are gr...

This is the the strongest Ive ever had to be. It messes with me mentally and can make me feel a tad bit insecure. Im not bragging because im extremely humble but I model so I can honestly pick and choose from admirers so its hard to deal with someone who went from all over me to don't touch me. I keep hoping the man I met will return once he pushes through this.