yourloveneverfails
New Here
Hi! I'm new, I'd like to for now, keep my name anonym. if that's ok.
Had my first therapy session today, it went ok, except for my therapist got stomach-sick in the middle of it (apparently she picked up a bug?).
Anyway, I am really into shows like Law and Order SVU; Cold Case, Criminal Minds; 48 Hours Mystery; Lifetime Movies, etc.
Lately in life, I've had to give up watching half of those shows and now it seems I will have to give up the Lifetime movies as well.
I survived molestation, when I was a little girl, by a family member. I've dealt with it, on and off throughout life and even lived most of my life fairly decently and mentally healthfully.
The other day, I was watching this Lifetime movie, about a sex addict, who got help and overcame her addiction. - My husband called to talk on the phone and I closed my eyes so I could focus on what he was saying (muted the tv, didn't turn it off, cause I planned to go back to watching the movie after we were done talking). When we were done talking, I saw this flash-scene on the screen, of a leg being felt up, I thought it was just a regular love-scene, but then saw that it was an older hand, climbing up the leg of a LITTLE GIRL :(
Normally, I stay away from movies that have possibly graphic rape scenes, and definitely do not watch anything that shows or insinuates molestation - because they trigger me.
I've always had doubts when I babysit, but not very heavy ones. (I'm also a survivor of a physically and verbally abusive previous relationship; the man before my hubby).
When I babysit for my friends, sometimes I wonder if I'll ever grow up to be an abuser, in any way shape or form that I have been abused (sexually, verbally, physically, mentally); and usually, I am able to talk myself down, pray, seek God out and get peace of mind.
The other day, I was doing my work, and was babysitting for my friend, and out of the blue, my mind was attacked with this image from this movie that I saw, except for I was the old man and the little girl was the little one I was baby-sitting. I quickly ran to her, told her that I was going to be in my room for a while, went into my room, locked the door, then into my bathroom, locked that door and proceeded to have a melt down. I called my hubbs and my mother, who both prayed for me, and I felt better after that, was even able to spend some time reading the Bible and that calmed me down some, but I am currently terrified to even look at a little kid, that is how much this jolted me.
I am dealing with shame for even having the thought and guilt, wondering if I may be alone in these awful attacking type of weird reality-mixed-with-non-reality flashbacks, having to do with previous abuse?
Does anybody else out there wonder if they will ever hurt their children?
We want to have children, but I told him I couldn't until I had this all worked out in my head. Today was my first appt. I think it went really well, Dr. told me that I should find something that brings me comfort, like a picture or something I can carry around for a bit, and if I get hit with the thought again, to ground myself and bring myself back to reality with this object, she felt I was dealing with disassociation.
Am I the only person who's ever dealt with something awful like this? If you have - what have steps have you taken to deal with it, or even purge it from your system - that's what I would like to do! purge it entirely! (sigh) God help us all.
Thank you, your replies are welcome.
Had my first therapy session today, it went ok, except for my therapist got stomach-sick in the middle of it (apparently she picked up a bug?).
Anyway, I am really into shows like Law and Order SVU; Cold Case, Criminal Minds; 48 Hours Mystery; Lifetime Movies, etc.
Lately in life, I've had to give up watching half of those shows and now it seems I will have to give up the Lifetime movies as well.
I survived molestation, when I was a little girl, by a family member. I've dealt with it, on and off throughout life and even lived most of my life fairly decently and mentally healthfully.
The other day, I was watching this Lifetime movie, about a sex addict, who got help and overcame her addiction. - My husband called to talk on the phone and I closed my eyes so I could focus on what he was saying (muted the tv, didn't turn it off, cause I planned to go back to watching the movie after we were done talking). When we were done talking, I saw this flash-scene on the screen, of a leg being felt up, I thought it was just a regular love-scene, but then saw that it was an older hand, climbing up the leg of a LITTLE GIRL :(
Normally, I stay away from movies that have possibly graphic rape scenes, and definitely do not watch anything that shows or insinuates molestation - because they trigger me.
I've always had doubts when I babysit, but not very heavy ones. (I'm also a survivor of a physically and verbally abusive previous relationship; the man before my hubby).
When I babysit for my friends, sometimes I wonder if I'll ever grow up to be an abuser, in any way shape or form that I have been abused (sexually, verbally, physically, mentally); and usually, I am able to talk myself down, pray, seek God out and get peace of mind.
The other day, I was doing my work, and was babysitting for my friend, and out of the blue, my mind was attacked with this image from this movie that I saw, except for I was the old man and the little girl was the little one I was baby-sitting. I quickly ran to her, told her that I was going to be in my room for a while, went into my room, locked the door, then into my bathroom, locked that door and proceeded to have a melt down. I called my hubbs and my mother, who both prayed for me, and I felt better after that, was even able to spend some time reading the Bible and that calmed me down some, but I am currently terrified to even look at a little kid, that is how much this jolted me.
I am dealing with shame for even having the thought and guilt, wondering if I may be alone in these awful attacking type of weird reality-mixed-with-non-reality flashbacks, having to do with previous abuse?
Does anybody else out there wonder if they will ever hurt their children?
We want to have children, but I told him I couldn't until I had this all worked out in my head. Today was my first appt. I think it went really well, Dr. told me that I should find something that brings me comfort, like a picture or something I can carry around for a bit, and if I get hit with the thought again, to ground myself and bring myself back to reality with this object, she felt I was dealing with disassociation.
Am I the only person who's ever dealt with something awful like this? If you have - what have steps have you taken to deal with it, or even purge it from your system - that's what I would like to do! purge it entirely! (sigh) God help us all.
Thank you, your replies are welcome.
