Sufferer Newly Diagnosed And New To Site

[9flashmob1]

Hi, im really not sure what im looking for from this site but wanted to tell whats happened to someone who might understand.

In november last year my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer having shown little to no symptoms of even being ill. In december we were told she would have a year left however at the end of january she passed away.

The deterioration was so fast and so scary. I was 22 and in great shock, fear, anxiety throughout the whole situation. Coupled with this i had little support at this time (or so i felt) and struggled to cope.

In march i went back to work part time and was working full time again by april. It was during this time i spiralled out of control drinking excessively, fighting and taking drugs and generally acting out if character. I hated the world and people around me and desperately wanted to escape. I did not understand the point of life and relationships. If there was an easy way to escape i would have taken it.

At the end of may i overdosed on ecstasy and collapsed. I woke up in intensive care and was told i had been admitted around 10 pm. I stopped breathing for 15 minutes and was resuscitated and forced into a coma with intubated lungs. I was finally stable at 7 am and awoke from the coma at 10 am. At this point i had also suffered a heart murmur. I could barely speak or move and was covered in bruising.

The whole experience of being in hospital was horrible. I could not understand why i had been helped when there was people who were more deserving than me.

Ever since i have flashbacks, panic attacks and extreme mood swings and have now been diagnosed with ptsd.

I still feel extremely alone although i have many people around me. It is ruining my relationships - coming on to strong and clinging to some while being very cold with others.

I still feel i cant cope and now i am on here where i know many people have suffered far worse traumas than me. Like i said i dont know what im looking for from this.

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

Hi 9flashmob1 I'm so sorry to hear abt the news about ur mum , it must have been heartbreaking for u, as well as traumatic and soul destroying. I'm not sure how I'd cope with sum thing so distressing in losing the woman who gave birth to me and brought me up .
Welcome to the site, like you I'm new here too for v different reasons, but same diagnosis cptsd . Please don't feel guilty about going of the rails I think it would be only natural considering the circumstances, it's important to know that everyone deals with trauma differently , it's only natural. I'm happy to hear you recovered but not suprised at ur diagnosis as uve suffered trauma and shock.
From this site I hope, like me, and many others you will find friends that don't judge u, support, honesty, and some peace through your ordeal nd heartbreak. It's a fantastic forum to meet people and post your feelings without anyone knowing who you are. You can be you without pretending to be someone else and trying to behave in ways that's society perceives, translates or wants us to behave!!! You can rant, rave and write down your inner feelings and someone will be able to relate to what you are going through. Unfortunately your journey has just begun, and may or not be a long one, may or not be a bumpy roller coaster journey, but what eva it is , I can guarantee that you will get support from here. It's the best forum I've found and although my traumas are different from yours the symptoms will be almost identical. May your mum rest in peace and you nd your loved ones fine inner peace and the strength to continue. My thoughts are with you all xx god bless x

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Not sure, but I was always under the impression that a prolonged death didn't cause PTSD as you were given warning. This happens to everyone at some point, end of life, people die. I don't put this in the realm of a criterion A trauma to be honest. That is, it happens to everyone. Not to be rude, but its just annoying when PTSD is handed out like candy for anything where someone can't cope.

 

[violetclouds]

Not sure, but I was always under the impression that a prolonged death didn't cause PTSD as you were given warning. This happens to everyone at some point, end of life, people die. I don't put this in the realm of a criterion A trauma to be honest. That is, it happens to everyone. Not to be rude, but its just annoying when PTSD is handed out like candy for anything where someone can't cope.

Not to be rude - but who are you to judge others traumas? Just because yours was different does not make ours or anyones less of a trauma to them - you are a danger to the safety of this site and the people who need a safe place to share their burden.

 

[KwanYingirl]

To lose your mom so quickly at such a young age is shocking. Literally-a shock. Frankly it doesn't sound like anyone was prepared for her passing and it happened so quick there simply wasn't enough time to build a support system. I agree with Solara, you may benefit from grief counseling and particularly perhaps a group of young adults that have suffered the sudden loss of a loved one. It sounds to me like you just threw yourself into a maelstrom of negative coping. Shock is very real and with the right approach, you can work through the stages of grief to ultimate acceptance. I doubt your mom would want you to be suffering. Illness happens, it's life, it's tragic but you can thrive. You must thrive it is not time for you to lie down in defeat. I hope you're in therapy. You can heal, you can feel joy, you aren't required to feel guilty. I wish you well.

 

[franciemarnie]

I got terrible PTSD symptoms when I took care of my mother at the age of 22 when she had cancer and died a year later. I overdosed too. I also had trauma as a child and this woke it up big time.

Please seek help with a good therapist.

And I am so sorry you had to go thru this too.

 

[Chava]

So sorry about the sudden loss of your mom. I have heard of traumatic grief, though haven't suffered personally (a family member died in a similar, fast cancer death, but we were not very close...but it was terrible and confusing anyway). Sorry also about the hospital experience. I've been woken up unconscious, hooked up to O2, blood, etc, heart monitors. Not scary in a normal way. Surreal. Worse when there isn't support to "bring you back" or help you feel present with that. Don't judge or compare traumas, just seek help. I relate to the coldness and clingy thing too. Mostly I avoid close relationships and keep to myself or keep busy. When I'm really in a panic it's like my body thinks it's over and I'm screaming for rescue. Lately my therapist gets the brunt of that and I add to my panic the fear she'll get sick of me or give up at the worst moment, but she seems to understand what is going on. My rational brain works fine, but not usually in these times. Grounding stuff helps, if I can access it (trying to expand those tools) and trauma-focused therapy.

p.s.
@Solara I'm tempted to forget it, but for the poster's sake (and my own) it's plenty annoying if you respond without reading a post (or how it seems). And rude. Just don't even respond to that kind of loss. And F#ck the "criteria" talk right now anyway, but what is not "criterion A" about life support and a coma? jeez.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm so sorry @9flashmob1 . Hugs if it's ok.

There is an article posted on here called "Unexpected death of a loved one linked to onset of psychiatric disorders" (it includes PTSD).

I think @franciemarnie is very correct & it can unearth much. And it might take a long time to discover (or admit) 'what'. My dad died at 14 with 36 hours notice, but told he should be dead ten years ago. (Yes, I did the maladaptive coping route as well). It took me nearly 30 years to admit I saw someone precipitate it, because (and) to the present day to fight mentally taking responsibility for not stopping it. But that didn't touch on (other) traumas until years after my mom died (in my 20's), and a natural disaster. But wouldn't you know, what culminated in the breakdown of all of it was a 'bad' date 6 years ago.

Death & loss can be very traumatic. With all due respect, as someone who lost 9 immediate family members (& had 2 more terminal) by my 20's (& that doesn't include the friends who died), 1 or 2 months is no notice. Even extended time (which you did not have) & anticipatory grief never cover what you will actually feel. Especially when you are close.

 

[anthony]

Not sure, but I was always under the impression that a prolonged death didn't cause PTSD as you were given warning.

Yes, that is correct, however; that is not the case outlined in this thread. Diagnosed November, told they had a year left in December, dead in January. There is no prolonged period of death in there to settle things, come to terms with death, so forth. If the mother had the full year, then yes, PTSD would not be relevant based on criterion A, but in the space of basically two months from diagnosis to death, that is short-term, and in the span of life, quite quick to occur.

 

[9flashmob1]

Not sure, but I was always under the impression that a prolonged death didn't cause PTSD as you were given warning. This happens to everyone at some point, end of life, people die. I don't put this in the realm of a criterion A trauma to be honest. That is, it happens to everyone. Not to be rude, but its just annoying when PTSD is handed out like candy for anything where someone can't cope.

Im pretty sure my doctor is qualified to diagnose.

Thanks everyone else like i said not sure what im looking for but nice to know folk understand

 

[9flashmob1]

A couple of you have mentioned therapy... I have been prescribed medication. with regards to counselling..I received a crisis session with Cruse, who are a bereavement charity in the UK, in early June. I'm not sure how effective I found the service so did not go back. Unsure what to do next. Does anyone have any advice?

 

[franciemarnie]

The fact that you felt undeserving of care in the hospital, not to mention the overdose, etc., suggests to me that way before your mom got sick -- there was damage. So I vote you find a good therapist who can help you sort out what's happened.

If you were healthy and solid before your mom passed, you would have had a lot of grief with her cancer and death, but would have begun the grief process and been on the road to healing with self care afterwards. I would wonder to the doc or T why you reacted as you did.

Meds are great for helping a person with disabling symptoms, but they don't heal the wound. It's time to take care of you now.

Talking to a T is good for understanding things, but in my experience a person with PTSD needs to release the trauma energy with some kind of bodywork with a somatic therapist or craniosacral therapist or other type T's who can help you free your body/mind of the buried pain and energy.