Newly Diagnosed - I Lived In Fear That My Sister Would Stab Me To Death

[Richelle]

Hi, this is the first time I write about this on a forum, so I hope I'm doing this right. I've been hiding for a while, I'm too scared to share my whole story and yet so much crap has happened. I feel the urge to talk and let my story come out, but I'm terrified that my family would find out I wrote here. Somewhere around being 14-16 I lived months in fear that my sister was going to stab me to death because she got angry with me. Prior to that I was bullied in school so badly I couldn't leave my house.
I don't feel like I can trust anymore, my therapist tries to encourage me that it's such a low chance of being "mistreated again."
But what were the odds of the whole school ignoring and treating me badly? What are the odds of my sister being so enraged I thought she would kill me?

I can share one moment of my sisters rage to give an idea how I felt, I don't know if this took place before or after the actual "event." She was allowed by our mother to keep a 8 inch knife in the bedroom and I always feared that knife. My sister has Aspbergers Syndrome and would loose her temper real badly. She once kicked my friend repeatedly in the private area because we jokingly stole a swing from her and after kicking her she felt no remorse despite my friend cried in pain.

I was somewhere around 14-16, my sister was sitting in her room and I was standing in the hallway, I think I was going to the bathroom and she starts to argue with me by yelling from her room. We talk "my language" as usual, but she seems extremely agitated. I try to reason with her, but she claims I hate her or something. Suddenly she starts speaking English and not knowing what to do I respond in English. We were home alone. Suddenly my sister starts screaming hysterically (still in English) and I can only imagine her grabbing the knife and is coming after me. I rush outside the door and the only thing I imagine is her running after me with the knife in her hand, ready to stab my back. I'm too scared to look back.
I ran for a while, then I walked when I thought I was safe behind bushes. I would walk in peoples yards to not be seen. I never wanted to come back. At a crossroad, and I guess a chance in a million, my dad shows up in his car. He asks me what happened and I cry "Maria is going to kill me!". He drove me home and I don't remember what happened, I think my mother had come home and probably lied she would deal with it. I don't think I would have returned and probably would have been lost forever if my dad wouldn't have showed up. What are the odds of that?
Even more remarkably, my father is an alcoholic and didn't live with us, I saw him barely 2 times a year. Why he was there at just that moment still baffles me.

After what happened with my sister (the longer event, not that described above)I'm finding it hard to fall asleep and definitely staying asleep. I wake up anywhere from 4 to 10 times a night. I've tried so many different kind of medications, but nothing seems to help, sleeping medication barely makes me yawn. My body forces me to wake up several times a night and every time I do my heartbeat is racing and sometimes it feels like I'm going to have a heart attack. When I wake up around 2 AM I'm so panicked I can hardly move.I think something happened at 2 AM that I can't remember, maybe she did come into my bedroom with the knife? Somehow I must have seen her with the knife to be so scared of it.
I did a sleep study 2-3 years ago and I don't have sleep apnea. They could not explain why I wake up in the night, but they told me that when I've fallen asleep I woke up hyperventilating once every 15 minutes four times. Then I slept fine through the night. At that time I had two different kinds of sleeping medication.

After all of this I'm terrified of making people angry in any way. My sister and mother are both cold, my mother would yell at me when I was sick instead of comforting me. My mother knew my sister was angry with me, during the "long event" she left for work leaving me with my sister and the knife, then came home to watch TV as if nothing happened. She never asked me how I felt or alerted anyone.
I didn't speak about the event for 9 years since I forgot it upset me.

It didn't take much to make my mom and sis angry, I would always please them and never please any of my needs. I don't have any friends since I don't trust that people can truly like me, especially since my classmates turned on me and would try to silence me when I begged for help to stop the bullying. My only friend is my grandmother who has been an angel to me. I'm scared every day that she will be "annoyed" or "angry" with me and abandon me, but I know "in my head" that she never will.

 

[kers]

Welcome to the forum. I relate to what you wrote, because my brother abused me and threatened me with a knife, too. I suffer with all the problems you describe, too. You are not alone.

 

[Deleted member 1859]

Has your therapist discussed a plan to be put in place if you do become unsafe? Have you discussed the reality of it?

 

[Richelle]

Thanks for the responses, makes me feel better to know I'm not alone with this fear of mine.

Has your therapist discussed a plan to be put in place if you do become unsafe? Have you discussed the reality of it?

We are going to talk more about the situation, I've only had this therapist for 2-3 months, my previous therapist seemed to have issues on her own and would become emotional when I told her about a couple of things relating to her own past. I was with that therapist for 6 months since I was scared of telling her no, she also didn't speak much about the incident about the knife. She got mad at me once and snapped at something I said, so I didn't feel completely comfortable with her. She was stuck in one place always talking about the same thing. I only ended my therapy sessions with her because she became sick with pneumonia so she couldn't speak a word, which then made it impossible for me to see her. I actually didn't plan on getting a new therapist because I thought nobody could help me, but out of all the people in the world it was my chiropractor who recommended my new therapist.

The new therapist is a lot better, she will contact people for me and she's trying to get me to become a practitioner at a workplace since I do nothing but stay inside my apartment all day, she has promised to join me for 2 days. I'm a very unlucky person, the first day at work at the farm vacation resort one of the horses died from colic and I panicked when the horse was running around in pain, sometimes it would kick madly. Whenever something out my control happens I panic, I want to avoid the place and never come back. Realistically I know that nothing did happen to me, I hid behind a fence and the horse never even got close to me or actually kicked anyone. They weren't even concerned about the horse hurting anyone, they let 4 year old children walk in the area the horse was running.
The first day my grandmother was there with me, she kinda had a feeling I wouldn't go back if something happened and if I was alone that day I know I wouldn't have. She also joined me the second day and again nothing happened, but the owners kind of avoided me I thought they were "angry" with me for not showing enough emotion or whatever reason I could think of as they wouldn't say much to me. When my sister and mother ignored me it meant they were angry with me, so I freak out whenever people don't speak to me. My sister had this odd "revenge" behavior and would give revenge as long as she was angry.
I know realistically that the owners were upset about the horse and didn't talk much since they were trying to look fine, but I always believe the worst of things. I'm not sure if I can manage the work on my own, I will at least go there the last 2 days then my therapist evaluates if I should stay there or not.
My grandmother unintentionally made my first day at work worse because she kept laughing and joking about the horse running wild, I felt as if I was being laughed at while helpless which reminded me of the school bullying. She did apologize after I told her I didn't think it was funny and I know she never intended to hurt me.

I feel really stupid and ridiculous when I know the workplace is safe, yet I fear it as if I'm going to die if I stay. I guess it's a combination of the knife/bullying, whenever the situation is out of control I believe I will get hurt and that nobody will help me. The worst part is not being helped, being helpless and people just watch what happens is a horrible feeling. My therapist will come Thursday+Friday so I'll be able to speak about my fears.