General Newly Diagnosed Spouse Is Driving Me Insane

[goingonhope]

Spacwti, My best advice to you is for you to deal with your own patterned thinking about loved ones and yourself, .........and things and subjects such as mental illness. Identify if you will from your own thoughts, exactly what is worth keeping and what is worth tossing.

Because, "No matter where we go, there we are."

It may take time for it all to catch back up to us, and it may do so in a differenct scenario, perhaps a different relationship or so, ...but faulty thinking-styles simple do not evaporate without much work upon ourselves and any disposal of its real source of much of our unneccessary sufferings.

Suggest you start the work first from within, and then observe positive changes over-time, as many will occur naturally in your wife too, as a result of your progress.

And, provided she reaches out for the medical help she needs, you too will benefit from her progress.

If you're wondering if I'm suggesting that your efforts will cure her PTSD, the answer is obviously No.

IMHO though, with your possible newly, growing Informed mind, ....and through you practicing Acceptance, ....and with your Love given freely away to her, these are all part of a real answer, ....to again find joy in sharing, living and loving someone with PTSD.


Hope

 

[xxarmywifexx]

Reputation goingonhope :occasion:

It was within myself that I had to change. I found my road a hard one before I began my journey on what it meant to love someone with PTSD. As you say it didn't cure my DH, but I can assure both of you that our relationship is more open. I know he feels my understanding much better these days.

This is a long road, keep on truckin is what I have to tell myself everyday .

I hope things have gotten better for you spacwti.

Prayers,

-xxarmywifexx

 

[FightingLily]

I am very familiar with the military culture. When my parents where going through their tough period, and Dad came to me, I told him; "Think of her as a fellow soldier, not a subordinate but someone with equal rank especially when issues arise." In parenting, this is also important, as you don't want to undermine her authority in the child's eyes.

Start thinking like a team. Team(family) building activities are essential. How does she know you have her back? Because you say so? No, it's time to show and prove with the PTSD element. Duties have been split equally despite gender and familial roles. You take care of the financial end, she protects and tackles the home front and provides care for the children. Relieve her of her duties when she's stressed, assign a babysitter for some together time. Face to face seems combative and aggressive, speak to her from the side(sitting next to her watching tv, or during a jog), like you would one of the boys.

That's all I got. Good luck.
Lily

 

[Auburngirl]

spacwti,

I'm glad my earlier post was helpful. Although I'm the one who is dealing with diagnoses this time around, in the past I've lived with people experience severe depression and who were suicidal, so I have some sense of the extreme stress that can come with caring for someone who is ill/in distress.

Sources of support for yourself come in many forms: you may have a close friend you can confide in (ideally you could talk to your wife and say I want to be there for you, this is hard for me too and I sometimes need someone to talk to about what I'm going through without stressing you out - then identify someone who isn't family), there might be some form of support group where you live, there is the carers section here, and other support online.

You may want to have one or two places where you can talk about some things in more detail, and some friends and family who just know generally what's going on and to whom you can just say - it's been a rough day, and have someone give you a pat on the back, or take you out for a drink. Based on what you've written it may also be helpful to find a counsellor for yourself. That doesn't mean I think you're ill, but it sounds like you are having a tough time. It's not an easy voyage, and it's one on shifting terrain. While many of us see therapists for treatment, there are also counsellors who can serve simply as a sounding board, give you a chance to rant, and reflect, and clarify for yourself what your concerns are.

I have to reminded of it every so often, but it is true that it takes strength to seek support. It demonstrates strength not weakness. This is what you did in coming here and, although it was a bumpy start, I hope that you do seek both to support your wife and look after yourself.

Best wishes and take care

 

[Auburngirl]

one other note - I noticed on another thread you made a comment about your wife 'getting quiet.' This is a symptom I also have, usually meaning I actually am not able to speak and, in some cases I also can't move.

There are loads of possible reasons, but getting quiet could mean she's in distress (ie having flashbacks, or dizzy, or dissociating, or confused, can't remember something that she should know and feels like she's going insane, or panicking) and so all her energy is involved with trying to deal with that, or internally trying to calm herself down.
It could be that something triggered her (this is like when the doctor taps your knee and leg swings out automatically without you thinking about it, except phychological - maybe a smell, or sound or object triggered something alarming - ie if she was raped she might smell something that takes her back, and it feels like it's all happening again, or, she simply feels physically ill or shaky or panicky and doesn't know why).

At the beginning it's really hard to understand what's going on and my answer to anything about my symptoms would have been "I don't know" because I had no idea what was happening to me. With time, at least for me, they started to make sense at least some of the time, I could recognise patterns (what triggered me, and share that with my partner), and could start to deal with them.

 

[LuckyStar]

Spacwti,
My husband was in the Marines when we met and married. He did a tour overseas and it was a lonely time without him I remember. We've been married 20 years now and during that time we have had blocks of time where we've been separated by miles but still happily married. I can remember being a bit screwy when communication would finally happen and as xarmywife said our conversation requiremnts were NOT the same. It happens in young marriages. Two minds are learning how to work as one and the road is not easy.
Add a baby to the mix, even more difficult to stay on the same page. Now you throw in moving? Career change? Going back to college?
Your wife is probably a bit overwhelmed considering she probably feels like carrying your child and bringing that child into the world was a lot! Then she had to move and set up home without her partner - her partner. That is what marriage is. It is a partnership. Right now you feel like she's not holding up her end of the deal. Well she probably thought the same of you while she unpacking in a new place with baby. She may even has Postpartum Depression.
She may have put a kink in your plans, but I seriously doubt she did that with any intention.
It is my husband who suffers from PTSD (i think, I'm looking for answers here) and I have had to "suck it up" and be the soldier while he has slowly fallen apart. I have kept our home and family together. I have kept our business going. I have held as he cried with terrible memories and unexplained fears. I have been hurt at his accusations when he accuses me of cheating and wanting to divorce him.
Luckily we have a strong foundation and I have no doubt of his love, so I know its not "him", but other factors.
You must ask yourself if you are able to love her through this because if you can't your negative thoughts and comments will only harm her more. You married her because you loved her, did you qualify that love with requirements? Did she?
A soldier sees too much and they risk the ultimate for the rest of us, but a mother who is alone with a child feels the darkness at the windows, and knows her protector isn't there. She must face every day alone when all she wants is her Family.
Please take some time to remember why you married her and what life is like for her when she alone with your child. All she wants is help, from you, from doctors, from solid sleep, or from a maid cleaning her home and doing the laundry. Whatever, she is needing help and you must decide if you will help her or hinder her.
I wish you both luck, but remember marriage isn't luck it is work, everyday.