Newly Diagnosed

[Sammy]

I am far enough into the "introduction" thread, I do not know if anyone will even see this.

I am going to visit family in a week and I can feel the stress levels rising. Got an email from a family member today and I spent the day anxious and angry for reasons I'd rather not explain. Tonight, I feel sick to my stomach. I know it is anxiety. No wonder it has been over 2 and a half years since I have visited.

A friend of mine described family as a "mixed bag of nuts." I think he is right.

 

[sunshine35]

Hi Sammy,
I was just going to say can you make a short statement that you keep repeating to church members (the "broken record" thing)? Something that keeps your privacy but doesn't push them away--allows you to get some time without sacrificing the bond? Maybe, I need some time for personal business right now. I'll come back to the church when I'm feeling ready. ?

 

[anni]

Good luck is, I suppose the only thing to say but isn't quite what one means, really. I wonder if your posts sound so familiar because there's some 'type' of 'us' who tend to loose themselves in peaople pleasing which makes dynamics across the board similar? Your initial mention of how your husband thought marriage was easy because you made SURE he did made me nod. That anxious thing you're doing with this weekend is another! Same thing-family with underlying dreck factor.Almost said NO, too but of course haven't in the end. We're going. Sigh. I'm just replying because this time, at least I actually do have the dregs of my dignity wrapped around me and will quietly stand some ground. Even that will cause a firestorm but at least this time wll neither avoid an unpleasant situation ( rather an M.O. here ) nor cave like a deflated balloon. :) Hopefully the jackals will then be unwise enough to abandon me for easier prey, because for some reason THAT situation I'm well able to engage in as a combatant in defense of that hapless person! All this to say, in the end, perhaps not 'good luck' but 'all the best', and at least know that you're not alone with this sort of nonsense from others.

Take care,

Anni

 

[Sammy]

I have been working on some deep breathing, trying to let it all go and enjoy when I can. I do love my family... I have just gotten tired of the "role" they seem to expect me to fill. I expect I have had PTSD since I was very, very little. I learned very young to "take it" or hide. So, they ignore me and simply do not seem to care much how I might be feeling. I have been the "pleaser" and the "stable one." how funny is that? I am determined to do what I need to do to stay sane. If it means going somewhere else for an afternoon and creating space so I don't say something I do not mean, I will.

It will be OK and it will probably even be fun. I am creating the anxiety for myself. PTSD is based in my childhood - being around family sends me into those crazy thoughts that cause anxiety. I need to do this trip. I haven't been there in over 2 and a half years. I need to face this fear, too. I know I am stronger. I just need to trust in all the things I have learned.

I have actually been back to church. It is one of my safe places - if I allow myself to believe it. The people are really accepting - I just need to use my words... Carefully and kindly.

 

[Sammy]

Got to receive the wrath of my father again after many, many years. He has dementia and basically acts like a 4 year old... Except has done that all my life. You'd think I'd be able to tolerate it after all these years. It has been 2 and a half years since I have seen him and I guess I don't know what I was expecting. But getting yelled at and throw out of his place wasn't it. Sadly, it happened on the day of the wedding of another family member and I spent the day feeling very dissociated. Mostly just tired, headachy and sad now. My siblings thought it was kind of funny and about time I got it. They have heard it a lot because they are around here. They forget, they are much older than I am and he was not as bad when they were growing up. They had much different circumstances. They also did not have added abuse from teachers. They are also not diagnosed with PTSD which began in the violence of family. It wasn't funny and it doesn't give them the same stress and anxiety responses.


I get around my family and all the old wounds seem to be gaping open again. Being yelled at by my father was a quick return to the violent childhood I experienced. To make it even better, he will have completely forgotten it in a couple of days. He is approaching 90, not healthy and the little exchange this morning could easily be the last time I see him. He may well refuse to see me before I fly home in a couple of days.

Family... a mixed bag of nuts, for sure.

Wonder which one am I.

 

[Marley]

Sammy, welcome! I'm a new member as well :) Your new diagnose will hopefully give you more of a clear purpose about your life's directions. YOU are in control, and so is God! Together you and God will get through this! Everything really does happen for a reason!

 

[Sammy]

After a week with family, I will be heading home tomorrow. I am in need of some serious quiet!

Today we took Dad to the doc and we had "good dad." I have to continue to remind myself he is doing the best he can. I don't want to hate my father. I am working on Forgiveness. I

 

[Sammy]

Darn...
I am looking forward to a day on an airplane... Noise reduction head phones, some calming music and then my own bed to sleep in at the end of the day. I have really enjoyed hanging with my sister. We are doing so much better. I just need the comfort of home again.

I know Heavenly Father is holding me in His hand and will help me continue to heal, but for now, I need some quiet and a visit with my counselor! While very difficult, I hope that in the long run, this visit home will be helpful.

Deep breath...

 

[Iam]

Hi Sammy and welcome to the forum. Glad you found it. You will find a lot of support and information here.

 

[Sammy]

I have been here a month or so. It is where I sign in when feeling stressed... Read some posts, read some articles, feel less alone and crazy. It is one of my coping mechanisms. The past week has a been particularly difficult with seeing family. Re-experiencing the wrath of my father was tough. But, I survived and am getting better with seeing the old man he has become. I love my parents, but will never be close to them. Mom is gone and dad is not far behind. I need to make my own peace. Working on it.