Sufferer Newly Dx With Ptsd

[tinac21]

I've sat here for about 15 minutes trying to think of where to start. I'm not much for sharing, but I though this might be therapeutic and it would be nice to talk to others who can relate. I've been going to therapy for about 8 months, I had an emotional break down around that time and decided to call someone instead of sit in my car contemplating life and death. I just thought I was depressed, or who knows. Anyways, I always thought ptsd was something war victims suffered from. That my life has never been so bad. I'm a fighter, survivor, blah blah bull crap. Truth is, I use humor, and a very well crafted fake facade to pull off my day to day. When I cant put on the show, I hide. I run far away, sometimes literally. I leave behind my family and escape the world. I use to drive for hours, going no where. If I couldn't escape, Id hold it all for days, get no sleep, and cry when no one was looking. Or stop eating or do really stupid things, mostly physically harming. Anything to distract. Anything. I've never turned to drugs or alcohol like my family, always thought that meant I was ok, that I was better. The lies we tell ourselves.

At this moment of my therapy I'm working on trusting, isolation, disassociation, and coping without humor or whit. Its f***ing hard. I've lived through abuse of every variable, Cancer (I've had leukemia since 04'), mother (is) and father (was) alcoholic, & my two brothers cycling the abuse, ones an alcoholic and the other is trying to get help as I type this. All that is easier than talking in therapy. All that is easier than typing this. Right now I'm on high alert and shaking. I hate it. Makes me feel weak. I want to punch something.

The goal is that I want to eventually sleep nightmare free. I want to be able to sit in a public place and not be aware of every one coming and going. Some people set me off, I have no idea why, but I immediately grow weary of them and watch every move they make until they leave. Its not like they look the same or are just male, it could be a young kid or an old lady. I don't want to mentally scope a place out before I pick my seat because I don't want to be trapped encase I need to leave fast. I watch the damn doors, I don't even know I'm doing it until I already did. I want to feel comfortable with a closed door in my own house or an opened one. I want to be affectionate and express myself with out getting mad and shutting down. Most important I don't want to feel alone in this.

 

[rosey]

hi @tinac21 sorry you feel so alone. It is good that you are in therapy and getting some support. you say you are weak but from what you have said about you life both past and present I would say that is far from true. i believe you have an amazing strength that you do not see. believe that it is possible to have the peace that you crave, nightmare-free nights and no anxiety when being around people etc It takes a lot of time and hard work to get there but is worth every bit of it.

hopefully this forum will help you feel less alone as you see others talking of their experiences and offering support to you unconditionally.

 

[LateInThe Day]

Hi @tinac21, I'm glad you felt you could post. I don't know if I can help but I want to say that you're not alone. I can relate to lots of your post. I got through to my 40's before things (and my own happy, funny facade) caught up with me and I came close to an emotional breakdown. I have issues with isolation, disassociation, trusting (especially trust, it even makes me sweat to post on an anonymous website like this!). But, gradually, and after a few tries at therapy/CPTSD helpbooks I do now have significantly less nightmares and don't wake up in a huge flashback every single morning, I currently have a milder form of it which is an improvement. I have the same public place issues and it drives me mad some days that I can't switch off even for a moment. Sometimes there's a clear link between someone I see and a trigger, sometimes none. Tiring, frustrating, annoying, irritating. One or two people who know some of my history say I always look normal and composed, but I know that I would freak out if I had to sit in a public place without being able to see everyone that comes in or not be able to see a clear route out (in case of some emergency I always seem to be on high alert for). But it helps me when I come on here and remember that I'm not completely alone. I hope some of this makes sense, it's late, I'm tired and I can't think straight, but I wanted to quickly post something. Take care of yourself.

 

[seedling]

Welcome to the forum!
You are brave and strong for taking the actions you have to get better. Therapy, starting a thread, setting goals for yourself.

Here, you are never alone. So many of us together here, all in the same boat, in different unique stages of a familiar and common journey.

Keep on wanting those things for yourself and - little step by little step - you will create the life you want.

 

[tinac21]

Thank you all so much for the support. I was on here about a week ago reading the posts by others, trying to find some common ground and talking myself in and out of posting on here, so this was a big accomplishment in itself. Until my therapy, I didn't think I had anxiety, I still don't know that I have ptsd. I mean I see it, its real, I've read a lot on here in the last week and I know I'm just like you all in some way or another. Its just hard to except that its not just depression, or mood disorder. I've spent my whole life coping like this, Its like I don't know anything else. I'll be 30 this year and I want more.

 

[ladee]

We do get better. Some parts of healing are harder than others. You are never alone.
Like you, I have used humor most all my life. My T also would not let me use humor. The other side of that coin was rage. Its been hell sometimes finding and maintaining a balance.
I appreciate the courage to make your first post. This is a great well rounded forum with many people from all over the world.
You will be heard, supported and validated here. Glad you found us But hate the cicumstances of you being here.

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome to the forum. :hug:

 

[Sailor_Jerry89]

I see a lot mirrored in your post that I also do in my life. Dark humor to cope, ride my bike down the highway and just let the sound of the pipes drown out everything. I'm right there with you. Sleeping 1-2 hours at the most a night, waking up to panic attacks. Hyper-vigilance (military took away my firearm due to this, so now I sit behind a desk which makes it worse; I want to be out there with my brothers and sisters). I want to sleep normally, not wake up with my heart pounding, sweating profusely, no idea where I am and gagging. I feel useless here, and I want to be an asset. You are not alone Tinac21, and we all share your pain, just in different ways. I offer this to you, and anyone else on this site: if you need to talk, are lonely, depressed, or thinking of hurting yourself...reach out to me. Seriously, together we can do this. The first thing they drill into your collective brain group in boot camp is that alone, we are only so strong. Together, we can overcome anything. So please, use us. If not me, someone. But you are not alone.

 

[Ka-9]

Hey Tina... I also had the mis-belief that it was a combat only syndrome or ailment. When I realized all the major causes that exist from severe accidents/illness to severe domestic/childhood abuses, I was floored. So glad youre here- hope you find a lot of support and validation.